Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Les Miles' Wolverine Press Conference Nov. 24, 2008

We need two particles to positively charge here in order to erect this Big Ten boner of a presser in '08: Miles to Michigan, which may already be in motion. And Miles to continue to be a moral victory master.

"This team has not lost a game not against Ohio State. I know it does not mean much to you guys (media). The point is, in a non-Buckeye game, we play as competitive as we can be. There is not a team in the Big Ten that we have played that has bested us besides the red sweater vest.

If you had to look at the length and width of the game, that is how it is measured. That is also how you determine whether it's a choad versus a dode.

Then you go to our rivalry game here against Ohio State, and I think our rivalry system is just as flawed as any other rivalry system. It's just the way it is and it is probably correct. You have to decide it then where it takes the ability to pound Northwestern and Minnesota out of it. It is imperfect, but a darn good system. You tell me if there are other teams in this country that can say that. If you just give us a tie against the Buckeyes, like in my wet dream system, we are undefeated with a tie. Maybe that adds up as a win over them."

Maybe coach. But until then, please don't ever change.

Les Miles: Really, When You Think About It, Aren't We ALL Winners? [Deadspin]
Michigan gets permission to talk to LSU's Miles [ESPN]

Democratic Thought at the Worldwide Leader

A timeline of the most insightful Fan Favorites Featured Comments in recent time:

"Miami just completed the best single season in football history." -f1nfanat1xx

1980: "USA's victory over Russia was probably one of the most surprising upsets of this year's Winter Games." -wildncrzykid

1989: "Pete Rose was wrong to gamble on baseball while he was still managing." -vega$$ baybeee

1994: "If the MLB players go on strike I don't think they will play any games." -dieh4rdball

1994: "Nancy Kerrigan never would have earned a silver medal had she been clubbed in the knee during the competition." -iceeyou

1999: "If Jackie Robinson came into the league in this day and age he would have a much easier time concentrating on baseball." -br00klinwhat!

2004: "The SaberCats should play the Patriots to determine who is the world champion of American Football." -p1g5kinn3r

2005: "San Antonio Spurs play great basketb..$%#@@ I would like to fellate a goat." *short circuits* -disneybot1

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

R.I.P. II: Dia de los Obits

It's a somber day in the sporting world. First Taylor died, and now, fallen is the man behind the fluid that Taylor, and every other athlete have been swallowing since its creation in 1965.

That's right, Gatorade inventor Robert Cade died at 80 from *electrolight-induced* kidney failure. So long Bob and thanks for concocting the only sugary beverage our Mom's ever encouraged us to drink.

Here's to a lemon-lime showering of the man's casket before he enters the earth. Cheers.


*Probably incorrect*

R.I.P. 21

We knew him as a bad-ass safety out of the U. We're sure his one-year old daughter knew him as much more.

Now everytime a player gets fined for a late hit, it will be in tribute to you, Sean. Rest in Peace.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

An Afternoon of Glorified Pop Warner

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Santa Cruz, CA. Ed. Note: Loco is a recovering golden domeaholic.

"I looked the man in the eye… I was able to get a sense of his soul” -Bush on Putin

To test my thesis that James Clausen is the most overrated celeb since pop revolutionary Che “motorcycle diaries” Guevara, I traveled to Palo Alto to take in the Stanford V Notre Dame game Saturday.

Pretty simple back story on this clash of the kittens; both teams are awful, un-athletic and unable to recruit consistently because smart kids don’t play football, or football players aren’t smart…

I slept for twenty percent of the game, watched five percent and perved the stadium for ass during the remaining seventy-five.

Despite my best efforts to ignore anything happening on the field I had to notice Clausen making his QB decisions like a power-drunk fourteen year old in a backyard two-hand-touch melee grudge match. It looked like his brain had been outsourced to India, his synapses weren’t firing. Probably he was doped up on valium, vodka-grapefruit, and taquitos in proper OC style.

Decision-making highlights included: running out of bounds for a nine-yard loss instead of throwing the ball away, and throwing an interception to a defensive lineman while being wrapped up by a blitzing linebacker.

James ended the game by taking a knee, pretending like he was going to throw the ball into the air, then sprinting away from his team to dance, arms akimbo, towards the NBC cameras and some hand-slappin' fun with the 3-8 opposition. Candy-Ass Clausen has begun his reign of dumbness so take heed all ye who dare declare your golden domer loyalty. The eyes of this weird dumbo are filled with bleak narcissism. Grief will surely rest on those who him show favor.

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Canton Calling

Saturday's "football game" at the Rose Bowl featured the best all-around quarterbacking performance to touch grass since Garo Yepremian's Super Bowl VII wizardry.
Kempt, Leaf, Roper, Olson, and Rasshan lit up the secondary to the tune of 15 for 56 passing, 169 yards, 0 touchdowns, 5 interceptions and 10 sacks.

Calling that aerial assault the Speed II: Cruise Control of gunslingage would be an insult to KeanO*.

Dennis Dixon would have accounted for more points playing in a casket, buried under the turf.

At least for the fans' retinas sake, the Ducks weren't wearing their crossing guard vests.

*Oh wow that's right, even Johnny Utah was too good for that naughty nautical narrative.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Gullet Stuffing Edition

In this week's edition we provide gambling tips for each of the three Thanksgiving games, paired with our indulgences at each stage of the day. (For actual winning picks dial 1-900-FUK LBMS)

Packers (-3) over LIONS: Sipping mimosas in the nude in honor of Joe Cullen.
Not an easy decision here. On one side you've got Jesus' quarterback. On the other side, America's quarterback. Let's break this one down by edibility. The Pack are all about the cheese: gouda, provolone, string, toe, it's all in the mix. Jesus too can be eaten, via the cracker. Our match-up really comes to a standstill considering you can't really enjoy a cracker without cheese, or vice versa... Wait, Green Bay's only laying three?! Shit scratch all that prior contemplation.

COWBOYS (-14) over Jets: Finishing our third Wild Turkey rocks. 'Wow, Pennington exchanged his cooterish shoulder for a real arm? Oh, nevermind that's Kellen Clemens.'
A crate of peanut-butter chocolate Koudos bars to Mangina for that punishing defensive game plan he drew up to down Pittsburgh last week. Unfortunately for the Jets, Tony Romo can slither around a bit easier back there than Benjamin, and he'll be utilizing the national stage to juice his stats and lure the attention of the next American Idol winner.

Colts (-11.5) over FALCONS:
Passing out like Mike Vanderjagt after a day of drinking funded by the pawnage of his diamond earrings.
Come on Indy, don't rail the canine like you did for much of the KC game last week. God do we hate DeAngelo Hall. Please let Reggie Wayne pearl necklace #21 for a couple of deeeeep scores.

Lastly, we leave you with Eli Roth's finest piece of work:

Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Elite Lefties Get, Give, Golden Treatment

Everybody's favorite Bay Area southpaws took in a Warriors 22-point gagging versus Detroit November 14. They were both honored with custom Golden State jerseys, unfortunately just before the photo shoot Dontrelle urinated on his. Something tells us Boom-Dizzle is gonna go ahead let D-Train keep that loaner.

Photo Courtesy

Monday, November 19, 2007

ESPN's Legal Analyst Would Like You To Know He Is Available To Analyze Your Child's Mock Trial

Gee, that Roger Cossack is always on TV, he must be an extremely important, busy guy!

Not so fast young legal squires.

Roger Cossack would like you to know that is a popular misconception; in between his enlightening and core-cutting assessments of current courtroom affairs in the sporting world, he is always available for extra-curricular law dissection as well.

"You see, I have to pop my head in a little box on the ol' boob tube, tee hee..." Cossack giggled. "Every few hours or I will be disbarred from CATGLIB (Cable Television Generic Law Interpretation Board). My constant, vague comments are just a formality really."

Cossack would again like to reassure you that he has plenty of time for even the most childish, trivial of matters, specializing in: standing on the corner and properly interpreting the stoplight to identify the correct moment at which your child can legally cross the intersection, and bake sale/lemonade stand tax law.

"Seriously you guys," Cossack said. "You can contact me at any time."

Lavender Lucifer Pitchforks Fantasy Opposition

"Boom, baby!"

*Full-body fist pump*

"The Molester strikes again!!"

*Celebratory goat slaying*

All four actions could be heard and felt Sunday from fantasy owners who had the gumption and initiative to pick up Minnesota's Chester Taylor.

The waiver wire withdrawal was so easy, its results so immediate, it made taking candy from a baby look like taking candy from a fucking mountain lion.

Creating 160 yards and three scores out of thin air in week 11 is a magic act not even Purple Jesus could execute. In fact, it's now becoming quite evident that the Lavender Lucifer (formerly Chester the Molester) has performed the cruelest, most sinister of all acts. And one lucky bastard in every fantasy league across America is reaping the infernal reward.

Fed up with all of Jesus' accolades, LL sent a round of mind bullets to the former-Sooner savior's knee last week at Lambeau. Now, with the goody-goody sidelined, behind the behemothy offensive line of the Vikings, LL has begun his fiery reign of satanic carnage.

Lavender Lucifer, we thank you. The playoff push is coming and we could not be more glad to have such a beezlebubbian presence aboard this starboard-facing ship.

Enjoy our souls LL, we'll certainly enjoy bathing in your possessed production.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Cleveland Clubber Adopts Cranium-Crushing Conditioning Program

When we last saw Travis Hafner he was swinging lightly, and striking even lighter. Well, Pronk has since undergone a new off-season workout regimen that's sure to leave AL pitchers bloodied come next spring.

Hafner played the part of Anton Chigurh, a ruthless killer, in the Coen brothers' latest film No Country for Old Men. Indians manager Eric Wedge hopes the role will improve his desingated hitter's mental toughness, murderous instinct, and ability to recognize a slider.

Personnel on the set provided Hafner additional practice opportunities as well.

"In between takes we let Pronk swing at a piñata which we told him was a live goat made of cowhide," Co-director Joel Coen said. "We would fill it with red jolly ranchers to resemble actual blood."

Hafner's lumbering figure, ogre-soft voice, and passion for children's nursery rhymes made him an instant hit with the cast and crew. Makeup coordinator Stacy Keebler considers Hafner the easiest job she's ever had.

"When he first came onto set he was bald," Keebler said. "Ethan [Coen] just told me to go for a 'Mr. Larson without the nail in his head' look. Luckily I came across some squirrel roadkill which I had Travvy skin. That night I had it tailored to fit, and presto! Anton Chigurh was born."

Hafner became so fond of the role, he is now reportedly lobbying to Indians hitting coach Derek Shelton that he be able to use a cattle stun gun in the batter's box for the 2008 season.

"It's a step in the right direction," Shelton said. "With Trav, that's all we can ask for."

Friday, November 16, 2007

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Dr. Strangelove Edition

SOT is back, mercilessly, and this week we hope to break even.

Patriots (-16) over BUFFALO:
“Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more then ten to twenty million killed, tops. Depending on the breaks.”
A Brady to Moss a-bomb or two will leave a handful of men down in the Buffalo secondary. These are the minimum casualties you’ve come to expect when dealing with this year’s Pats team. Each week the point spread looks bigger, longer, and more uncut. And upon first glance at this game you think there’s no way their strongest divisional opponent will be waxed that bad at home under the lights. Then you remember the Bills are led by a man who bangs Mahjong players for egg rolls, and that Marshawn Lynch’s ankle is still a little limp.

Steelers (-9.5) over JETS: “Sir, you can't let him in here. He'll see everything. He'll see the big board!”
Mangina will need to pull out all the espionage tactics he learned under Belichick to have even a needledick of hope in this one. Unfortunately he was too busy cramming bear claw-flavored hot pockets on casual cheating Fridays during his tenure with New England. Also, if Fast Willie goes another week without breaking off a 50+ yard touchdown run we’re benching him week 12 on principle – or at least downgrading his nickname to Special Olympic-Fast Willie.

Rams (-2.5) over 49ERS: “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.”
If this game were played a few weeks back one could’ve made the argument that neither squad even deserved to play football on a football field. But now Bulger and Jackson are healthy for St. Louis, and they should put up at least 24 points on a disappointing San Francisco defense (enough to outscore the 9ers O three games over). As much as it pains us to say it, nowadays going against the 9ers is as sure of a bet as going with the Pats, or as changing the channel when Stu Scott comes on TV.

Saints (+1) over TEXANS: “Women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake. But I... I do deny them my essence.”
Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart had the world by the balls back at USC. Leinart has since distributed his essence, and his passes, errantly. However Bush, like General Jack D. Ripper, has denied women his essence, and now earned full membership to the Endzone Country Club. Ah, jism… the root of two young pros success disparity.

Chargers (+3) over JAGUARS: “Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.”
That quote refers to both San Diego players’ reactions to Norv’s instructions, as well as your reaction to us picking a Norv-led battalion on the road against a stifling defense.

BENGALS (-3) over Cardinals: “Mein Führer! I can walk!”
The last time we saw Marvin Lewis on the sideline, he had a crutch and his mobility was limited. Sunday, when he is solicited to prayer circle by Chris Mullin Mrs. Warner, he will resemble a slightly less manly Marion Jones sprinting to a steroid syringe.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Paula Abdul Faces Heap Of Legal Hot Potatoes

Barry Bonds was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.

But Barry is not to be blamed, mind you. After all, his testimonial predecessors milked all the effective truth-thwarting mechanisms dry: McGwire used the power of vaginitis, Sosa the power of lingual amnesia, and hell, Palmeiro just needed to use steroids to get a rise out of his wet noodle.

Bonds was unfairly backed into a corner here, and now the federal government is taking advantage of a shriveling hardball icon. It's the equivalent of corporally punishing a preschooler or throwing a toaster into a senior's sponge bath.

Well, at least now we won't have to watch Barry don another club's uniform next season. As the old saying goes, 'it's better to have him in horizontal stripes than pinstripes.'

Bonds indicted on perjury, obstruction of justice charges [SF Chronicle]

Sharks Rookie Scores, Perspires, Profusely

What would you say if we told you the Sharks are so stacked this year that four of their goals over the past three games have been scored using only the patch of skin between the scrotum and the anus?

That's taint-tastic!

Indeed it is, and we owe it all to the promising Canadian youngster Devin Setoguchi. Gooch, as he has been dubbed by captain* Joe Thornton, holds the best nickname in hockey, and may also hold the Calder Memorial Trophy come June.

The eighth overall pick of 2005 boasts an impressive young resume lodged in the landscape under his manpon: 6 goals in 8 career games - including a deuce in his debut and another 2-ball in a win Monday night against Phoenix - which already lands him second on San Jose in goals.

Let us reiterate the purpose for celebration here though; it isn't Setoguchi's furious goal output per se, rather the privelage for every teal-clad puck fan to now be able to appropriately shout out 'GOOCH!' on a daily basis.

Note to Phoenix and Edmonton fans, respectively: Fret not. Roger Taintsworth and Dave Grundlier will be called up to the big stage soon enough, and you too will have your time to shine.

*Actually, alternate captain. Sorry Patty, and thanks to Justin Vonderach for correction.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Whatsa Mata With Lorenzo? Minutes May Soon Shrink To Size Of Post-Ocean-Swim Choad

UCLA senior center Lorenzo Mata has been getting slightly less playing time through the Bruins first three games than he got last season. And if elephantitis-hyped freshman Kevin Love keeps posting 20 and 10 a night, well, the ambassador may be forced to find a new product to shill.

But we'll worry about that when it comes. For now, let's just soak in more of our favorite headbanded neandrathal.

Video by yookla goons at Fireside Chats.

Zen Master Appreciates Cowboy Romance

Phil Jackson is a man of serenity, round ball, and hearty wilderness erotica.

But unfortunately for the bearded wonder, the NBA didn't take too kindly to the Lakers coach's remarks following a loss to San Antonio Tuesday night.
"We call this a 'Brokeback Mountain' game, because there's so much penetration and kickouts," Jackson said. "It was one of those games."
In a related story, immediately following the press conference, John Amaechi's agent contacted Lakers GM Mitch Kupchak about getting a playing contract signed before December 13: the next time the two teams meet.

NBA: Jackson's comments in 'poor taste' [Associated Press, via USA Today]

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Orioles Designated Hitter Is In The Game

Aubrey Huff recently revealed, in a satellite radio interview, (1) his distaste for his employer's city, (2) his affinity for dolphin flogging, and (3) the countless bodies he has laid waste to during his stint in Bodymore.

The former opinion seems to be a common one, held by the likes of Jimmy McNulty, Mayor Carcetti, Bubbles, and every other person sucked into urban decay by the vacuum of inner city hopelessness. The latter admission, scoffed at by more discreet body snatchers such as the Marlo Stanfield drug empire. As for the second, only Mother Theresa and Michael Moore don't list that as a hobby.

All of this hating on Baltimore coming from a (slightly above) average MLB infielder begs the question: how long would Huff last on the streets of Murdaland, USA without his Orioles contract? And what would his itinerary look like? Why, we're glad you asked.

8:15 a.m. Get hired as foot patrolman in West Baltimore for the BPD.

8:28 a.m. Masturbate in back alley.

9:24 a.m. Steal two rolls of toilet paper and a t-shirt from Bubble's Depot.

10:15 a.m. Hear "Farmer in the Dell" tune being whistled. Duck under car when you realize it's Omar and his sawed-off shotgun coming.

10:16 a.m. Masturbate under car.

11:05 a.m. Head back to station for lunch break.

11:06 a.m. Get fired for ejaculating into breakroom coffee pot.

11:44 a.m. Head down to the high rises. Score "lookout" gig for a Stanfield corner crew.

12:05 p.m. Sip on brown-bagged malt liquor, yell "5-0" when a police car rolls through street.

12:07 p.m. Attempt to masturbate 50 times in the next 50 minutes.

12:58 p.m. Mock black gentleman wearing glasses with suit and bow tie sitting on park bench reading The Nation.

12:58 p.m. Become acquainted with Brother Mouzone via bullet-in-the-knee handshake.

12:59 p.m. Stop the bleeding by ejaculating into gunshot wound.

1:15 p.m. Score capsule of "WMDs" from corner slanger to ease pain.

1:44 p.m. Wander through streets of West Baltimore, tripping balls.

1:49 p.m. Get hit by stop-sign running SUV driven by Donut.

1:50 p.m. Masturbate.

1:51 p.m. Perish.

4:55 p.m. Have corpse transfered to vacant by Chris Partlow and Snoop. Get nailed in for eternal rest.

Needless to say, we're quite excited we now have less than two months until The Wire returns for its fifth and final installment!

The Jimmy Clausen Story

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Santa Cruz, CA. In this edition, The Loco chainsaws through the curtains of JC's future, and the results unveiled... sound about right.

College washout turned “Surreal Life” cast member, Jimmy “James” Clausen expounds on his oft-questioned, shifting moral philosophy and world view. Sporting heavy, black eye liner, a shaved head, a Scott Spezio-style goatee and some gothic arm tats, young James begins:

“I never wanted to play football anyway. Yeah *tear*. I did it because I thought it would make my dad love me.

I’ll never play again. James Clausen is a grown-ass man and he does as he pleases. So motherfuckers better start to recognize and respect that.

You know, everyone always told me how I was supposed to act. I was the All-American QB with the girls, the cars, the frosty tips. It wasn’t me, nah man. I’m hard. I’m hard as nails. Like Marilyn fucking Manson. That cat digs it. He gets the times man, modern times. Billy Corgan? Another of my idols. Melancholy man, that’s real. That’s feelings.

Yeah, you know, I just don’t care about the pigskin anymore. I’m more into transcendental meditation. I pray to the moon. Touchdown Jesus? Not for me dog, not for me. I don’t believe any man is holier than the next.

Now the moon, the moon controls the tides, the calendar, the nature cycles, all that shit. *shuffles in seat* And you know what? The moon doesn’t have a bitch. Nah, that’s why I gave up women. Does the moon have a lover? No, that’s because the moon loves itself. Self love, that’s what keeps it spinning man, like me. I just want to keep spinning, watching the world turn, dancing with the sun, sleeping with the stars. You know. I’m a star and, like, mad women want to sleep with me but I just say ‘nah, bounce that’ I got bigger things to connect with than a loosey goosey slouteger. Feel that! I’m telling you. Music… my shakra, that’s how I keep that shit regulated. Manson… outside, at night, under the moon, by myself… that’s when I really feel it, you know? The James Clausen vibe, life’s equilibrium.

No more frosted tips for me. Nah, that was Jimmy, this is James. Some people, they think I’ve lost it. They say 'James, what the fuck is wrong with you? You had it all: the arm, the girls, the scholarship, the frosty tips! Why did you throw it all away, man, to listen to some fag with titites? What the fuck is wrong with you?' But, they just don’t get it man. They don’t get young James Clausen.

I saw this Navajo sage… up at the Pikoni Casino. He told me he saw into my heart… saw my identity, the “young ghost dog.” You know and maybe one day I’ll be, like, an older ghost dog, or like the fucking Moon dog, you know? ‘Cause that’s what I really want to be. The Fucking Moon Dog! BOW WOW WOW mother fuckers! But you know, until then I’ll just be spreading my message. Spreading the truth. That’s right America, truth is about to be coming into your living room. Gear up soldiers. Gear up.”

The End

Monday, November 12, 2007

Milk Bottle Competition Crowns Chiefs' Croyle Starting QB

KANSAS CITY, Mo. -- When mowing the lawn, what is the more useful tool: a feather duster or a hammer? For Chiefs head coach Herman Edwards, the decision proved too arduous for one human to make, so he took it to the carnival.

Sub-par professional quarterbacks Damon Huard and Brodie Croyle joined Edwards and several Chiefs staff members at the Missouri State Fair Monday, where the two tossed balls at milk bottles to determine the qualified starting candidate.

"I lost my lucky coin that I used to make personnel decisions with," Edwards said when asked about the unusual tryout method. "Plus, sometimes a man just craves a gigantic cotton candy! A two stones with one bird kinda thing."

Huard's first two throwing attempts each struck the bottles, however none were knocked over. On his third attempt, Huard was sacked by a wandering goat that escaped from a nearby petting pen.

Croyle's first two attempts each zoomed by the bottles with tremendous velocity, sending a slight jiggle through their structure. On his third attempt, Croyle scrambled a few paces to his right and then heaved the ball back across his body, knocking down a stuffed prize Panda from the booth's wall, which landed on the bottle pyramid, toppling it over.

"Brodie's clearly our man," Edwards said. "But don't worry, Damon will be fine. He's back at the fair riding a pony right now. On me."

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Football Pearls Learned at the Barbershop

Mark is a jovial man in his forties. He is a passionate San Diego Chargers fan who subscribes to both the NFL Network and NFL Sunday Ticket. He's from the old school: not only does he cut a mean hair, but provides a smooth shave, and cherries it off with a shoulder massage. Mark also likes to preach pigskin, and boy do we ever love to drink it in. Without further adieu, here are the pearls Barber Mark provided us this week (Almost enough to make a necklace, if you will).

Tom Brady is the most overrated athlete in sports. Without his offensive line, he'd be Joey Harrington.
Statistically, Jeff Garcia is having the best season among quarterbacks. His rating is something in the neighborhood of 186. He also completed the longest pass in NFL history last week against Arizona. It was about an 85 yarder for pay dirt (Power Alley's longest completion was, in fact, 37 yards.)
Garcia has been bouncing from team to team not because of his play on the field, but because of his play off the field. Like Joe Namath, Garcia requires a fifth of Jim Beam before each game.
Purple Jesus' 296-yard effort against the Chargers wasn't too impressive. San Diego contained Jesus in the first half but when they lost their big run stopper due to injury, anybody would have shredded them.
♣ If Chris Chambers doesn't break off a route in the third quarter, the Chargers win that game in the Metrodome. Had the pass been completed, the Vikings would have needed to respect the San Diego aerial game more, and wouldn't have been able to stuff eight men in the box. Also, if Antonio Gates would have got going, the Vikings would only have been able to put four men in the box and it would have been LDT breaking the single-game rushing record (We assume this means the linebackers would have been lining up as DBs?).
♣ Cleveland is looking to deal Brady Quinn for a first-round pick.

We still maintain that Barber Mark would be an excellent upgrade for the Chargers from Norv Turner, no doubt in our mind. On the other side of the coin we'd rather get a haircut by peeling post-its from our scalp than leave Norv with the scissors.

Saturday, November 10, 2007

Schilling: I'm a Woman! I'm 40!

Sock-painting Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling will not have his thunder stolen by some rookie.

Boston infielder Dustin Pedroia recently revealed he played the last two months of the season with a broken bone in his left wrist.

Schilling, never the one to be overshadowed, made a rugged admission of his own Saturday.

"I pitched most of the season damaged," Schilling said on his blog "Even though I was in wicked hellish pain I just had to play through it for the good of the team. Because that's who I am. I'm a team-first type teammate."

According to the right hander's gynecologist, Schilling had been nursing a condition referred to as "turf vagina," or sprained vulva as its known medically.

The former Cy Young runner-up is expected to be fully recovered in time for spring training.

Locomotive Derailed En Route to Asian Paradise

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Santa Cruz, CA. In this edition, he has lost his mind, along with every single chip in his stack. The Loco has such a sophisticated and labyrinthine mental capacity that upon first glance this entry appears to have no sporting relevance whatsoever! Well, that is dead-on correct wrong. Fret not simpletons, we'll help guide you through with some cliffs notes in italics as you read along.

What’s in the news? What’s in the news? What’s in the news? The Big Ten's "elite" are overrated and underhung once again. Notre Dame may finally have a nurturing home!

Peet’s coffee in Scotts Valley
doesn’t have wireless internet. It’s like driving to a liquor store to discover they don’t sell cigarettes, of any kind. Or reading a sports blog that doesn't provide any sports commentary.

I discovered this farcical factoid last Thursday night. After I cast off the shackles of parental internet filtration (left the house) I began a voyage to ferret out new and exciting Asian fetish hardcore sites. Naturally I went to Peet’s, laptop in hand.

Instead of being met with fanfare, rapid upload speeds, and a cult of personality I was met by a smug, metrosexual, black-nailed barista who informed me: “no, sorrryyyy... we doonnnn’t have internet access.” Ludicrous. Murph was actually served by a finger-wagging Dikembe Mutumbo.

With no internet access, I had no contingency plans. No reading material, a laptop, and $2 cup of Major Dickason’s blend: “a very full bodied, complex, rich and smooth blend. A coffee born of friendship... a coffee that has gained a reputation among coffee lovers for its satisfying, rich and mellow (some say comforting) flavor... the coffee that many of our customers identify with Peet’s.” Not me. No, I shall forever identify Peet’s with the stagnated AZN section of my digital erotica library. No AZN, no fun. With the exception of this one.

So there you go sports fans. Ichiro’s dancing on YouTube will have to tide me over. You bet. Please mail all AZN smut and cash donations to PO Box 714, Santa Cruz, CA 95060. Care of Mr. Miyagi. Mahalo.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Super Troopers Edition

SOT may avoid picking the challenging games, but we also avoid Johnny Chimpo and the whole Afghanistanimation genre.

Colts (-3.5) over CHARGERS: "Littering aaaaand..."
This should in fact be an entertaining, marginally close game, but 3.5? Come on, this number is too small even for Norv to stay on at the blackjack table. Wayne is poised to have a big day; the Indy defense should be able to contain the Visio salesman; and Philly Rivers will be crying on the sideline by the second quarter. After collecting your winnings from this inside-the-leather putt of a cover, you can afford to let a few twenties leaf out your car window on the way home from the bar. Or invest your spoils in a bag of reefer to groom yourself for Curb Your Enthusiasm.

SEAHAWKS (-10) over 49ers: "It stinks like sex in here."
Goat sex. Both these squads are bad, but trust us we've been watching the 9ers closely and they are plenty worse. Seattle sodomized them in SF the first go-round, and there isn't much reason to think Nolan's men get within 10 on Monday night. Gore may be out yet again, allowing the chain gang optimal coma conditions while the 9ers have the ball. And Holmgren says Alexander's role is now being limited from running in quicksand on the field to running on a treadmill on the sidelines. Minimal Shaun, plus added pass attempts from Hasselbeck to a pretty good, finally healthy, receiving corps add up to an easy cover for the Gulls.

Lions (-1) over CARDINALS: "Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarrella sticks?"
What exactly is going on at these modern facilities like University of Phoenix stadium? The roof is closed but we've got some natural light shining through at goofy angles. They hang those excessivley large, flamboyant banners of the team's current motto since they don't have any division titles. It gives the vibe of watching a game being played in a shopping mall. And man, the UoP must have a hell of a football program to be getting this kind of high-class facility built for them. They've beat Notre Dame right? Anyways, throw your gambling coins in the Detroit wish fountain and go take your nephew out for some extreme fajitas at Shenanigans.

PANTHERS (-4) over Falcons: "Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer?...Do you see me eating mice?!"

Old Man Testes is in at quarterback, and he'll be ridin' dirty.

Eagles (+2.5) over REDSKINS: "Bear...bearfucker! Do you need assistance?"
We're not implying that Coach Reid is so large in stature he would need to copulate with a member of the Ursidae family. We're just a little concerned about his anally-talented children, but definitely not his x's and o's.

SAINTS (-11.5) over Rams: "...And that was the second time I got crabs."
Bush and Brees will have plenty of time to exchange tales of yore in the second half, when they are both on the sidelines with a 30-point lead.

Gratuitous leftover: "Sing it again, rookie beyotch." - Derek Anderson, after an unsatisfactorily off-key, cumgargling rendition of the 'ND Victory March' by Brady Quinn.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Thursday, November 8, 2007

MLB Enters War On Unprotected Dome

ORLANDO, Fla. -- In response to the tragic death of a minor league first-base coach last season, baseball will now use protection.

General managers decided base coaches of all 30 major league clubs will be required to wear helmets on the field beginning in 2008.

In addition to the "Olerud adjustment," commissioner Bud Selig is also mandating extra shielding for base coaches of two MLB franchises.

Kansas City coaches must wear medieval knight armor, coupled with an excalibur, in an attempt to provide the necessary defense against mullet-ridden tag team familial assaults.

"Having been to Kaufman Stadium on more than one occasion, it just makes sense," Detroit Tigers president Dave Dombrowski said. "When those fans get wet, they get wiley."

As for a bulwark to guard against another set of wet and wiley midwestern fans, general managers also voted Thursday that Chicago Cubs coaches be required to wear condoms at all times.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Bengals Wideout Disappoints Suspended Sensai

Adam "Pacman" Jones thought he mentored oft-arrested Cincinnati receiver Chris Henry well.

Jones thought wrong.

Henry, who was recently reinstated to the NFL after serving an eight-game suspension, got into a parking lot altercation at a Kentucky hot spot Tuesday night.

According to WLWT-5 in Cincinnati, when Henry was asked by the valet attendant to pay for parking, the wideout 'stood chest to chest with [him] and forced him to walk backward.'

"At that point, he was so far so good," Jones said. "You don't back down to no bow-tie gump."

By Jones' assessment however, that's when the events began to turn sour.

Henry then allegedly threw a $5 bill to the ground saying, 'You'd better pick that up, (expletive).'

"See that just aint the way I taught him to flow," Jones said. "The playbook right there says you hold up five $1 bills, and let that (expletive) sprinkle down on homeboy's head. That's fundamentals."

Although Jones expressed grave disappointment by his protege's actions, he plans on continuing to guide the troubled wide receiver from his crow's nest in Memphis as he serves the remainder of his own season-long suspension.

"He still a young pup. Christopher is learnin' more and more each day," Jones assured LBMS. "If he play his cards right I see him as our gunman next time we roll to Vegas. Wakawakawaka."

Bengals' Henry Threatened Valet Attendant, Police Say [WLWT]

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Ebert & Roeper Give It 'Two Sausage Thumbs Up'


An island off the Kansas City streets is the setting for this salty yarn of ghosts, lepers, pigskin, vengeance, and maple bar angst. A fog-enshrouded schooner (Mark Mangino) from 1956 returns from the bottom of Youngstown State to wreak vengeance on the buffet tables of the Big-12, and it's up to Missouri QB Chase Daniel (Selma Blair), her charter-boat-captain lover, Gary Pinkel (Tom Welling, from TV's SMALLVILLE), and his wayward girlfriend, Quinn Snyder (Maggie Grace, from TV's LOST), to slay the unbeaten. All three are related to the town's founding fathers, with whom the Jayhawk ghosts have an ancient score to settle. What that score is no one seems to know, but they need to find out, fast.

Tony Temple (TAILBACK) provides cutback relief as Chase's lusty first mate, but the real scene stealer here is the fog itself, which is much more robust than in the 1980 John Carpenter original. Thanks to some nice Cheese Steak work, it slithers in, around, and under everything. Though gussied up with BCS implications and corn-fed young players, THE FOG is, at heart, a good old fashioned football game, replete with uniforms and intra-conference romance. Commissioner Kevin Weiberg (BIG TWELVE) is good at capturing little details like the eerie tinkling of ranch dressing dripping to the floorboards, the textures of moisture-beaded gullet, and the perfectly toned mustache of lead actor Mangino as he wanders around in his velour tracksuit. On Nov. 24, THE FOG oozes into Arrowhead.

(Film synopsis edited from Rotten Tomatoes)

The Rejuvenation of John Smith

Do you have respect from your community? Is your bridge game the only thing you have to look forward to? Are you constantly promised a golden opportunity as long as you keep doing what you're supposed to do?

Well, conform no longer ye ol' working stiffs out yonder. You can grab your destiny by the Good N' Plenties. Shed that Men's Wearhouse unitard, grab some musty sweatsuit articles and in no time you'll be able to upgrade that Segway to a Sebring convertible!

After all, the panhandlers dress code works in the NFL, and everyone knows the league is the perfect microcosm of the corporate world. Those who wear the suit and tie, i.e. Mike Nolan/'the old you'? They are relegated to a six-game losing streak/six straight Saturdays stuck at the office. Those with the vagabond approach, i.e. Bill Belichick/'the new you'? Nine-straight wins/pay raise to eat cheetos and play tetris.

So, if you're looking for a change, think SpeeDee Oil Change & Tune-Up denigrated wardrobe maneuver. It is guaranteed to at least make the gerbil wheel feel like a gerbil halfpipe. Extreeeeme.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Colts DeeJay Mistakenly Plays Remix

At the beginning of the fourth quarter of the Colts/Pats game battle of good and evil Sunday the deejay at the RCA Dome commited the ultimate party foul. He let the crowd noise CD skip for a few seconds while the Colts were on defense!

Man, talk about a buzzkill. Let's take a look at some of the other abominable acts that this rabblerouser has executed during various Indianapolis Colts social events (which LBMS heard from Mike Vanderjagt in a sit-down interview after he split the uprights of his tonsils with a bottle of Goldschlager*).

10/21/2003 @ Offensive coordinator Tom Moore's Wedding Anniversary Celebration: Smokes a pack of Misty's alone in bathroom, sets off smoke detector, guests forced to evacuate.

10/31/2004 @ Marvin Harrison's daughter's Halloween party: Dresses as tampon. Steals 8-ball keg tap, flees party via crawling under backyard fence.

12/22/2004 @ Edgerrin James' Gangstarrr X-Mas Party: Spills beer on Peyton Manning as he's reading his playbook in a rocking chair in the corner. Escorted out of house by offensive lineman Jeff Saturday. Calls cops with noise complaint out of spite.

7/4/2006 @ Safety Bob Sanders' Independence Day Block Party: Lights a Piccolo Pete near Mrs. Sanders. Gets tackled through garage door by Bob.

7/1/2007 @ Tony Dungy's Christian-themed book release party: Urinates on Jesus ice statue, which melts. Forces Dungy to mutter 'serenity now' under breath rest of night.

8/3/2007 @ Final Fantasy XII tournament at punter Hunter Smith's residence: Shoots heroin. Passes out on couch, inadvertently suffocates Smith's girlfiend's toy poodle.

*Drunken kicker at one point during the conversation scraped the gold flakes from the bottom of his empty glass and pasted them on his earrings.

UPDATE: Vanderjagt recently admitted to all of the transgressions which he previously blamed on the RCA Dome deejay. Oh, and they say Indy did not cheat. Roger [Goodell, valiant effort on squelching] that.

Thanks to With Leather for leading us to video at Fanhouse.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Hard Wood on the Hardwood: A Sneak Peak at the 07-08 NBA Season

After watching a significant chunk of that Sonics/Suns game last night we realized that, contrary to popular belief, an NBA regular season game can be entertaining. Our eyes were duct taped to the screen everytime Durant touched the ball last night and it felt good. Plus that 50-foot alley oop from Ridnour to Jeff Green, who laid it in off the backboard with teabagging gentleness, was just sexy.

Don't get us wrong, the college game still has our hearts but it was nice to have a decently enjoyable time watching a meaningless pro game in November again. And to think, if that Va. Tech game wasn't a blowout we never would have gotten the pleasure.

So without further adieu, we present a half-assed curtain warming of the upcoming rest of the NBA campaign. The standings*/awards predictions and 'who to watch for' are provided by LBMS hoop beatster Bones Foley. He won't play any defense or hustle down the court but he can really stroke that goose through the cookie jar from beyond the arc. And we felt he deserved a chance to redeem himself after picking Philadelphia to win the World Series.

1. Suns "Ordinary People Do Fucked Up Things When Fucked Up Things Become Ordinary" Propagandhi
2. Mavs "We Disintegrate [In June]" Nevermore
3. Jazz "Jesus Saves" Slayer
4. Spurs "Same Ol' Song And Dance" Aerosmith
5. Warriors "Fury Of The Storm" DragonForce
6. Nuggets "I'm So Stoned" Slightly Stoopid
7. Hornets "This Secret Ninja" A.F.I.
8. Sonics "Forever Young" Alphaville

1. Bulls "Where Idols Once Stood" Thrice
2. Heat "Droppin' Like Flies" The Real McKenzies
3. Celtics "Everyone Has AIDS" Team America
4. Cavs "I Walk Alone" Oleander
5. Pistons "One Last Caress" The Misfits
6. Magic "Five Magics" Megadeth
7. Wizards "Don't Damn Me" Guns N' Roses
8. Nets "Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One Mix)" A3

Wizards vs. Suns (Champs)

Carmelo Anthony

Kenyon Martin

Kevin Durant

Stephen Jackson

Andrei Kirilenko

Greg Oden

Delonte West, Boston - True scorer (Ed. Note: he can really light it up.)
Matt Barnes, Golden State - Barnes hustles like Byrnes (But isn't extreme enough to kayak over convenience store aisles.)
Danny Granger, Indianapolis - If he doesn't put up numbers... who will on the Pacers?
LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland - The Bulls might regret trading this guy
Raymond Felton, Charlotte - With the addition of J-Rich he'll have plenty of dime opps

*Team theme songs in italics
Photo, sans caption, courtesy Lion in Oil

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Multi-Sport, Multi-National Melee May Prove Tennis Stars' Innocence

Semi-bangable tennis phenom Martina Hingis was accused of testing positive for cocaine, then promptly announced her retirement. To quote the lovable Eightball from Full Metal Jacket: "What the motherfuck?!"

But now some light is being shed on the situation. Sources close to LBMS tell us that Andy Reid's troubled son Garrett actually served as a ballboy at Wimbledon for several of Hingis' matches this past summer. Multiple Brits say they witnessed Reid "salting" Hingis' balls with a "white powdery substance" prior to her service games.

The 27-year old Swiss racketeer maintains she has never taken any drugs in her life. When asked to comment on his alleged actions in England, Reid replied, "No shit, really? I thought that was just a dream bro."

Welcome To The Machine, Carney

The San Francisco Giants hired Carney Lansford as their new hitting coach Thursday. Lansford, a former batting champion and five-time All-Star is indeed quite the upgrade to Joe Lefebvre and his inspiring .258 lifetime mark.

Initially, the news of Sabean making a competent personnel move came as a shock. But upon further inspection we realized Sabes thought he was signing Lansford as his starting third baseman. After all, G-men fans are no longer in awe of our general manager's mystifying ability to put crustaceans on the diamond and make big-time talent vanish into thin air the Metrodome.

B.S. Factoid of the Day: Brian Sabean once won a goldfish at a carnival game, but insisted on paying the vendor with a first-round pick.