Thursday, January 31, 2008

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

I'm Here For the Gang Bang

Somewhere in Los Angeles... Johnny Drama is engorged.

Thanks to With Leather for the pic

Coming In At No.11... King Tut's Mummy

Brian Sabean has the patience to play chess against a corpse. Check out this Baseball America claim...
"A former eagle-eyed scout who helped build the Yankees' late-1990s dynasty, Sabean says he's committed to rebuilding San Francisco's farm system and churning out homegrown position players to match the constant stream of pitching talent the organization has produced. The Giants haven't signed a player who has developed into a homegrown all-star since drafting Will Clark with the No. 2 overall pick in 1985."
Get him out of the front office and back on the beat, please. And what is this crap about Joe Crede? Are you kidding me? Average white player if ever there was one...didn't he hit sub .250 last year?

Can't wait until 2011 when the A's new yard opens up in Fremont. Giants are more like an Elks club than a baseball team...BINGO!


Top 10 Prospects: SF Giants [Baseball America]

Friday, January 25, 2008

Jesus vs. Big Ern, Who Ya Got??

Not sure why anyone thinks this would be a close match. McCracken is a professional bowler, one of, if not, the best in the world. He gets paid to bowl. Hell, he's got a fuckin' rose in his ball. Jesus on the other hand, even though at the top of his local league, is an amateur bowler. He doesn't get paid to bowl. He molests children. We'll set the line at McCracken -40.

Miami Tries Hand at Game Show

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Stop the Mock, Can't Stop the Mock! (Sorry)

Although we like to pretend as if NFL news doesn't jam our brain fuller than Antonio Alfonseca shockering a bowling ball, we just can't resist a Mock Draft (this goes especially true in August for the fantasy varieties.)

SI's Donny "Cake Eater" Banks is the latest to magnetize our mind.

Thanks to some Sabean-esque wizardry, the Niners had to give up number 8 to the Pats, but do get 29 from Indy. There are a lot of great looking wideouts worthy of a first-round pick: Malcolm Kelly, Manningham, Doucet? If SF could hook one of those gunga-galungean playmakers, that'd be a warm feeling (and not the kind of warm feeling we got from all the Jameson's we had to drink to culp with the realization that the 9ers were gonna take Smith no. 1).

Let the Game Begin [CNNSI]

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Locomotive: I Take Dirty Pictures of Sharapova on my TV Using a Canon PowerShot

Recently I had the pleasure of uncorking a fine bottle of diet RC cola, plopping down on the couch and stuffing my bulbous face with Olestra potato chips, artichoke dip, and the sweet flickers of eastern bloc voyeur erotica, err Maria Sharapova playing tennis. Her moans slathered over me, God bless America played in my head and I slid to the tranquil bosom of effeminate comfort...let the good times roll.


Saturday, January 19, 2008

A Brief Update On Our Recent Impotency

As some of you might have been the able to tell, the writer's strike has impacted LBMS with the equivalent force of a stone gargoyle falling from a skyscraper and landing on a kitten.

For this, we apologize. We hope to be back up again daily soon. Oh, and for some sports content... umm, go bet on New England.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Kyle Korver Goes Nothin' But Net With Teenagers in da SLC

Hey Girl. You're lookin' fine. What do you say we head back to my hotel room and stroke the 3-ball. I'll even let you put your hand in my cookie jar.

What's that? Aw, nah babe I am on the team. Yeah, why don't you come over here and tug on the tiny bill of this crip beanie I got from the streets of Philly. That's g-talk for Philadephia, gorgeous.

Don't worry, these 2% wine coolers will set the mood, girl. Baby I got enough money to get drunk in Utah. I'll go grab a few cases.

Here, why don't you come over and sit on my knee, and drink the B&J straight out of the ridge of my busted nose.

Yeah, don't sweat it. I can put on the new Jonas Bros joint. Come here boo, let me cuddle you like this Spalding. Then later I'll go beyond your arc and drill you from downtown.

Hah, just kidding hun, we'll go slow. Wanna get engaged?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Arrested Development Edition

After sandpapering off the edge of the regular season with consecutive 1-5 weeks, we were a little hesitant to get back on the gamblin' bone pony. But, last Thursday we did have the savvy to trudge through Miss Cleo's dangle-beaded door, perform cunniling exchange "services," and next thing we knew we had ourselves a perfect wildcard weekend against the spread.

Well, today we stand in a meadow during a thunderstorm, flying our aluminum kite, in hopes of shocker-ing ourselves and others with back-to-back 4-0 playoff marks.

Seahawks (+8) over PACKERS: "O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? *giggles* Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth." "We just call it a sausage."
It's pretty easy to envision Josh Brown playing the role of Mrs. Featherbottom and announcing that he just 'blue himself.' JB took a large step with his new wardrobe, and really the next logical career move is to push the envelope even further. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As good as the Seahawks looked on defense last week, we can see them winning this one outright. But we're gonna pick the Pack to edge Seattle by a slim margin, if only to delay the annual Favre retirement-talk schtick just a little longer.

Jaguars (+13.5) over PATRIOTS: "I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with 'Fuck Mountain.'"
Belichick is a man of many innovative ideas on defense. But the Jags have the ground game to munch the clock and keep this game within single digits. Now, if Billy can get Gob to loan Senior Seau his Segway for this contest, it might be a different story.

COLTS (-9) over Chargers: "Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio." "Como?" "Oh, you're gonna be in a coma alright."
"Yardstomper" Haynesworth tried to put little bitch Rivers into a coma last Sunday when he bulled through the line before the play started. We're not saying we want Philip in a coma per se, just put into his place: first on his ass, repeatedly, then home for the offseason and back to date-raping community college sorority skanks. Bob Sanders, make it happen mang.

Indy covering Sunday is the Kryptonite U-Lock Lock of the week: A healthy receiving corps for Manning with whom to shred. Norv and Rivers are both on the road, in a playoff game, with artificial crowd noise erecting the decibel meter's needle like Maebe stroking George Michael's inner thigh. And Jesus is on the Colts' side! Ding, ding, ding. It's time to double up the bank account fellows.

NY Giants (+7.5) over COWBOYS: "Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, 'Hot Ice' with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-soup... baby, I got a stew going."
Wade Phillips had to rush to the refrigerator before he could finish that last sentence. And he's gonna need a bushel of bearclaws come the fourth quarter to ease the stress of this doozy. Giants will play 'em very tough, but Big D squeaks away.

As always, if you want to go 4-0, you've gotta be swillin' the O.E. 4-0s every game. Call it the make-it-rain dance, if you will.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Falcons Want Carroll; Stepson Wants Flour Baby

Arthur Blank and the Falcons are interested in hiring Pete Carroll away from USC and the song girls. But due to the fact that little Petey is better suited to stroke a dead parakeet's duct-taped head than to head coach pro ball, he'd be guano crazy to take the gig in Hotlanta.

You could say it'd be the job-selection equivalent of the sapsucking stepson's sideline ball-grabbing soirees.

Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr. Kicking for You Seattle

Aww, how cute. Seattle kicker Josh Brown will wear heated warm-up pants to help defrost his genitals at Lambeau when the 'Hawks take on the Packers this Saturday in an NFC Divisional playoff.

JB is clearly concerned of shrinkage in the snowy conditions and would like his unit to still be able to fit into his blow-up doll's inflatable vagina for a lockerroom quickie.

Lose the electric hiphuggers and grab some pine, kicker. That way you may at least have a shot at getting your pine grabbed by one of the Green Bay cheerleader alternates in the stadium tunnel after the game.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Like Febreezing: Worst Case Scenario is It Won't Reek as Much

Towards the end of the 2006 season the Niners offense got those pickaxes swingin' and touchdown gold was beginning to look inevitable. Then, their offensive coordinator trapezed down to San Diego, and as a result 2007 was not dissimilar to sifting for gold with a used prophylactic.

But now, San Francisco has hired Mike Martz, former Matt Millen employee and alleged* Joe Cullen accomplice, to take over the offense. At the minimum we expect Mikey to get the O to at least find a nugget of fool's gold in the pan every now and then. Is 17 points per too much to ask?

One thing we can guarantee though of the challenge-minded newcomer is that because he won't have red-flagging authority, it's going to be awfully difficult for him not to carry scissors on the sideline, snip a square off his windbreaker and toss it onto the field after various O-line bed defecations.

*Spreading indecent exposure rumors about our new O-coordinator should glaze our offense with a coat of wiliness and unpredictability. At the very least the nudity potential will keep Belichick's camera zoomed out a little further when pilfering signs. The edges in the NFL still do indeed reside in the details.

Scrantonicity Was His Tertiary Plan

The Dallas Mav's TV color guy Brad Davis auditioned to play the singer of the wedding band in Old School. He failed, and fortunately for us, he chose to go the sporting route:

Via AA
Our second clip comes from a Mavs-Hawks game on December 28th via Sports By Brooks. Mavs' announcer Brad Davis apparently says, "When he has to full court press and grab and hold and everything else. And it gets to a point sometimes where the referees just get tired of f**king calling fouls on them.” You be the judge!

Hey Brad! We fuckin' need ya now tonight. We fuckin' neeeed you more than ever!

Monday, January 7, 2008

No (Fish) Guts, No Glory

After watching Saturday's Seahawks/Skins NFC Wildcard matchup, it's become apparent to us that the amount of fish tossing just isn't prevalent enough during national broadcasts in Seattle.

Why settle for just one before the game starts? The more dead fish soaring through the air, the merrier, we say.

So please, producers, next time heed us on the advice and cut to a spiraling salmon shot every time:

♠ Shaun Alexander carries the ball.
♠ A Hasselbeck mustache sequence airs.
♠ Starbucks gets mentioned.
♠ Holmgren starts eating the playchart.

Friday, January 4, 2008

Beautiful, Sweet, Bloody, Playoff Foosball Witch Yo Friends

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh duking it out in the ketchup swamp this Saturday is the only playoff game of the weekend that is both: a) up for grabs, and b) not featuring little Elijah. Hence, it is obviously the most compelling game of the quadratic wildcard round, the deep-fried calamari of appetizers, if you will.

The Jags, both with their victory at Heinz a few weeks back, and the constant shaft stroking of their toughness by the sports media, have been sexed up to 2.5 point favorites on the road (of course a plethora of Pitt injuries equate in here as well).

Our gut reaction was that K-Ville J-Ville should win this game by outmuscling the body builder, outhaymaking the Butterbean, outmasturbating the teenager... in essence, outPittsburghing Pittsburgh with "smash mouth" football.

But maybe we're so quick to pick the Jags because we believe they have a better shot at defeating New England. We've already seen the Steelers try their slingshots against Goliath; they got goatreemed, nearly tripled-up, in week 14. Or maybe we like the Jags because they don't have an ass-chinned, flaming yellow-flanneled mascot that was hired out of a Village People cover band.

As good of a season as Garrard has had, and don't get us wrong, it was damn good and underrated, he's never done anything in the playoffs. Aww actually, shit, Big Ben hadn't when the Steelers won the Super Bowl two years ago (but if Garrard plays as poorly as Roethlisberger did at Ford Field he won't be getting bailed out by the refs, he will be back to his offseason gig).

Neither team lacks big-play capability, although Pittsburgh has the vastly superior receiving corps. Neither team lacks a ground game, although Jacksonville has both a bowling ball and a whiffle ball in their backfield. The sans-Willie Steelers will miss that motherfucker's shiftiness.

Hell, at this point we feel like a fruity feline chasing its tail, only without the catnip high. We can't drum up a strong enough argument for either side. And believe us, we're not putting our money where our mouth is (it's the sole game on which we aren't wagering).

The hitting will be the hardest. The turf will be the sloppiest. The occurence of devastating knee injuries the most bountiful of all of this year's playoff games. Whichever team has the purest "mudder" geneology will win it. That's all we know. That's what makes this game so exciting.

Pigskin crotch meter for Saturday evening: a rigid, 45-degree SCHA-WIIIING!*

We're pretty sure even registered NFL hater Locomotive's junk will be rigor mortis for this one's duration.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Making Cadillac Margaritas Out of Lemons

Bad news for Kige and the Titans nation headed into Saturday's AFC Wild Card game against the Chargers: First, they found out tight end Bo Scaife will not be playing due to excessive absinthe intake on NYE (lacerated liver). And now, leading "receiver" Roydell Williams is out for the season after getting his foot stuck in the team's cafeteria conveyer belt (broken ankle).

Assuming Vince Young avoids a falling anvil or piano from above, he should at least be good to go this weekend.

But now, rather than being able to throw to moving scarecrows with stone mittens, VY will have to do his best completing passes to moving, KY jellied-up, vertical slip-n-slides.

At least VY to KY has an aurally pleasing ring to it. And hey, we're pretty sure neither Peyton nor Eli has advertised for vaginal moisturizer yet!

So Vince, don't worry about losing to that little bitch Rivers this weekend. We see you having a long, lubed, pleasurable, and profitable offseason.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Nolan to Focus Operations on True Talent in '08

To the dismay of some, and to the delight of women and gays, Mike Nolan will be sticking around with the 49ers for the 2008 season.

In a compromise with ownership, Nolan will forfeit his dictotorial personnel decisionmaking power, turning GM duties over to Scott McCloughan.

In a compromise with San Francisco players and fans, Nolan will change his title with the organization from head coach to team stylist.