Thursday, February 28, 2008

Spring Chickens Begin Springing Out Of Offseason Eggs

Camp games are underway in Florida and Arizona, and our whistle for the cowhide has officially begun to moisten.

As pictured above, P Diddy -- sans gun -- was in uniform for the Mets, who bageled the Cardinals 7-0; The Giants were doubled up by the Cubbies, as Kevin Correia got truly goatcreamed; and the Sawwwwxx looked facking ferocious against stiff opposition.

A gaggle of other games, monitored for fantasy purposes, went down as well: Ryan Howard, Braun, and Granderson each went yard; Joe Blanton got lit.

All in all, we're sure an absolutely great day for fans collecting skin cancer baskin' in it down at their respective team's camps.

Full Scoreboard

How Do You Say Boom Shakalaka in French?

Not sure which is better: the save, or the headless dombroski dance that follows.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

We're The Brews, Sportin' Anti-Swastika Tattoos

A Coloradoan Jewish school's basketball team may have to forfeit the regional championship game due to the contest's scheduling conflict with Sabbath.

Herzl/Rocky Mountain Hebrew Academy's boys team could be headed for a regional championship on Saturday, March 8, if it wins one more game Thursday. But the Denver school's religious beliefs prohibit students from playing on the Jewish Sabbath between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday.

What is viewed as a problem for many, is actually a blessing for the dual-sported athletes at the Hebrew Academy who, by forfeiting Saturday, would be able to rest their wrists for the more heralded State Dreidel Spin-off scheduled for Sunday.

Sabbath conflict may stop Colo. Jewish school's playoff run
[USA Today]

Slogan It Out, Pt. III

Rapid Fire, presented by Stephen Jackson

♠ Cards manager Tony LaRussa announced Tuesday that he will continue last year's second-half trend of batting his pitchers eighth in the order. LaRussa later added that he will be extending his "scotch inning" from batting practice through the seventh.

♠ Patriots running back Kevin Faulk was cited for marijuana possession at a Lil Wayne concert in Lewsyanna last Friday. We knew LSU's all-time rushing leader wasn't the most elusive of backs, but wow, that's like getting tackled by the punter who tore his hamstring on the kick.

♠ And sometimes we just have to let THE ONION speak for us: 'Cupcake Used in NBA Slam-Dunk Contest Inducted Into Cupcake Hall of Fame.'

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

High School: The Amuse-icle

An Oregonian prep hoops tandem executes the ol' full-court bounce pass alley-oop.

Thanks to The Big Lead for the vid.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Has Your Runs Output Been Arrested? Call Bonds, Man

Whispers have been heard from several MLB teams (most recently Tampa) contemplating the possibility of rickshawing in Barry Bonds for the 2008 campaign. After all, it's pretty tough not to mull over the notion of bringing in one of the game's all-time greats to play for your team, and awkwardly cross-dress at your spring camp.

As any man who truly loves his profession would do, Barry will work for anyone with a checkbook. Yep, #24's godson has expressed interest in participating in Viking Warrior playing baseball in Japan.

However this ends up... whether Barry's clearing fences for wrinkly-balled narcoleptics, or tiny balled martial arts enthusiasts, it'll be good for baseball.

And don't worry Japan, although his head and temper are giant, and his backne may resemble a scaley, reptilian epidermis, he will not engulf you in flames.

Rays have discussions about Bonds
Blackballed Bonds has eye on Japan [Metro Times]

The More You Know...

Did you know that Krzyzewski is pronounced 'Jejevski,' not 'Sheshefski?' Thanks to John Feinstein's A March to Madness, now you do! Ba da dum da dum dum da da da dum.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lasorda Back to Buffet, Dugout

Hall of fame skipper /Vladimir Guerrero bat magnet Tommy Lasorda is returning to the dugout. Yep, the ol' chubster will be leading the Dodgers into exhibitionist battle for eight split-squad games in Florida this March.

The move is win-win for both the Los Angeles organization and coach: LA is looking to improve its spring training record, and Tommy is looking to consume his weight in post-game spread baco bits.

Lasorda back on bench, briefly [CNNSI]

That Guy's Gonna Need a Shot and a Beer

It doesn't get any more romantic than proposing marriage at half-court.
Video courtesy College Humor

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tejada Denies Even Drafting Mitchell to Fantasy Football Team

KISSIMMEE, Fla -- Houston Astros slugging shortstop Miguel Tejada told reporters Tuesday that not only could he not discuss questions about the Mitchell Report, but that his lawyers have even advised him to steer clear of confirming whether Scott Mitchell was on his fantasy football team, 'Miggy Pops,' in 1995.

"Tejada smells guilty to me," ESPN fantasy writer Eric Karabell said. "Mitchell passed for over 4,300 yards and 32 touchdowns in '95. Why he would deny that just doesn't make too much sense to me and my ilk."

Tejada emphasized to the media members in front of his locker that unlike McGwire, he does want to talk about the past, and unlike Sammy Sosa, he is able to speak English.

"I'll admit, I did have Herman Moore and [Johnnie] Morton that year," Tejada said. "I have no comment on Mitchell."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Rook Gets Got; Burgundy Peppers Izzo

Savvy wife-beater veteran Brett Myers and company convince rookie Kyle Kendrick he's been traded to Japan.
Ron Burdungy gets to the bottom of the Izzo/dwarf theories.

Thanks to X-Mas Ape at Deadspin for top, AA for bottom.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

An Off-Day in the Life of Jeff Van Gundy

3:35 a.m. *Screaming in sleep* That's not a foul! If a 2 can't punch a 4 in the adam's apple in the paint, this aint basketball!

7:05 a.m. *Pours coffee, takes sip, slams mug down on counter and shatters it. Wife shakes head at breakfast table.* That's a good no-call, honey.

7:55 a.m. *Reading sports section of newspaper* Wow, they really oughtta switch to 12 for a foul-out. *Attempts to turn page, shreds paper in half*

9:15 a.m. Hmm, which sports coat should I wear today? *Proceeds to hang on coats and swing to-and-fro in closet, tears down beam.*

11:20 a.m. *Doorbell rings, Mrs. JVG walks toward door to answer. JVG hip checks her into the grand piano and reaches for door knob* Now that's how you box-out!

11:21 a.m. *JVG opens door, receives package from UPS. Breaks pen while signing name, smacks driver in face with clipboard* You gotta hand it off strong in traffic.

1:05 p.m. *Watches Fever Pitch*

2:50 p.m. *Calls Mike Breen* Hey Breeny, you should check out this new tune I just discovered. It's called 'Sweet Caroline!' *Slams phone down, cracks receiver*

3:05 p.m. *Watches Never Been Kissed. Cries. Punches himself in eye with kleenex*

5:00 p.m. *Watches MMA fight* Wow, this is some strong fundamental defense. You don't see enough spine-elbowing in the Eastern Conference anymore.

6:35 p.m. *Mrs. JVG give JVG warm milk bottle, puts on 13 Going on 30.*

8:15 p.m. *JVG applies Mint-flavored Crest to brush* Hey honey, check out this great technique I use to get on top of the high-screen set by my canines! *Proceeds to knock out four teeth brushing*

8:20 p.m. *Mrs. JVG inserts syringe of horse tranquilizer to JVG's neck* Goodnight sweetie!

Sampson Wouldn't Last Two Weeks in Bawlmore

Indiana basketball coach Kelvin Sampson shows once again he's no more adept at doin' business than Prop Joe's dipshit nephew. You gotta know not to talk shop over the phone, not even with texts.

In the words of Stringer Bell, Samsonite know he gon' have to eat the charge on this one.

Come on coach, are you kidding us? Excessive text messaging to recruits? How do you think the likes of Coach K and Roy Williams have been ruling the roost so long without getting busted by MCU? Cell phones are for setting up in-person meets, tops.

Although Sampson should land on his feet, hopefully coaching at some off-brand gang school like Eastern Tennessee Tech within the next few years. We only hope if he continues to use the cell that he at least develop some type of picture messaging code, ala Vondas-Marlo.


Image via

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Leitch Will Not Be Muscled By Bristol

ESPN may have been able to pressure YouTube into pulling videos of Ron Bermandy's off-air antics, but Deadspin's Will Leitch, already having had the worldwide leader's blackball treatment, is doing a public service - he's got 'em all in one spot.

So enjoy now, or enjoy later. No pressure, no shot clock to worry about. You can go ahead and take that extra pass or that extra deux-deux-deux before watching.

Note: We like to imagine Berman doing the voice over for those VW bug "Da, da, da" ads from back in the late '90s.

Also, one of the first things you are taught in television broadcasting is to not say anything stupid when you are mic'd up, on-air or off. You will be held accountable. It's like the Schwami has never fucking worked in TV before!

ESPN Reacts To Berman Videos, Takes Them Down Off YouTube. But Worry Not.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Join Us For Jack McDuff Karaoke Hour, presented by Moonshine

When we first heard of the four-letter's Ultimate Highlight "tournament" we were initially excited. The fact that JFC Berman would be hosting wouldn't stand in between us, and mild enjoyment.

Upon watching, however, we soon tried to comprehend why the original (classic) radio calls weren't being heard, but rather Berman making up his own voiced-over renditions!

To quote the man himself: Jesus Fucking Christ.

This is precisely the type of instance about which we've been known to sing "Hot Barbecue."

One tiny step for text-message spawned voting, one large step for Kige Ramsey becoming our sole faucet for sporting news and information.

Saturday, February 9, 2008

Popovich Cries Foul on Gasol Trade, Soils Diaper

Spurs head coach Greg Popovich spoke out against the Pau Gasol/Laker deal Friday. Sources say with injured French guard Tony Parker missing time, Eva Longoria has been steadily gaining influence over the coaching staff with each passing day.

No word from commissioner David Stern on the matter, nor will there ever be one.

A call was placed to the San Antonio Metro Waambulance early Saturday morning, team officials report.

Gasol trade sparks war of words

The Chris F**king Berman Creative Process

Apologize for the back-to-back video posts. Well, not really. Via 'The Balls' at Deadspin.

Friday, February 8, 2008

... And Just Under Sports Reporting, is Blogging: Merely a Half-Step Above Prostitution

This is from earlier in the week, but we don't watch much SportsCenter these days. And anyways, as we always say, two birds in the bush...

Man, college basketball just won't be the same without Bobby. We would be able to settle for Mike Gundy hitting the hardwood though.

Thanks to Eleven Warriors for leading us to the vid.

Did Marv out-perform Buck on 'The Snatch'? YESSSS!

Since Joe Buck's call of David Tyree's infamous Super Bowl snag sounded like he was about to throw down his headset and start crying, we wanted to see how our man Marv Albert played it over the radio waves.

It was one of the most exciting SB plays ever, and at least Marv jacked up the intensity over its course. Although no memorable lines were recited from Albert, at least the enthusiasm was there.

"What a play!... What a play!" is probably the only thing we'd have come up with as well. Tough to capture such a miraculous moment on radio.

Buck, we know you like to sound professional, but next time please don't take Nantz's lead and openly stroke the Pats.

Super Bowl Highlights [Westwood One]

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Bonilla Ice, Ice, Baby

As Talespin was to Ducktales, we present the puck version of NBA skeet:

Mets Pitcher Crosses Species Line, Gambles on Cocks

Pedro Martinez, Marichal and Carlos Delgado were filmed observing a cockfight in the Dominican, where it is legal. If you have a problem with this, perhaps you'd feel better knowing that Perrrrro used to gamble on a more humane version of the sport.

Unfortunately, the Mets pitcher hasn't been able to replace his little cocksman/guimigo to enter the ring since the tiny bugger's unfortunate passing in '06.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

What the Motherf**k?!

HBO's Inside the NFL is being cancelled after more than 30 years on the air. Tonight will be the last episode.

Cereally, is the Suns GM behind this move? What gives here?

Sunday, February 3, 2008

We May Need An Advent Calendar (With Booze-filled Chocolates) For the 2 Weeks of Super Bowl

DJ Jazzy Stizzle, aka The Commish, is a fresh-faced and bushy-topped contributor to LBMS. He enjoys playing in dynasty mode with piss-poor collegiate programs in several NCAA video games, and e-mailing drunken sports banter at 4 a.m. Here, we present The Commish's first installment: a dilemma in Bruinville.

The Bruin Democrats were deliberating whether to have a meeting [Super Bowl] evening and this is how I responded to a guy's idea of holding it at 7:

The game itself won't be over until at least 7 and between the post game show, trophy celebration, AND the locker room interviews we're realistically looking at after 10. We're talking about a great American Holiday here people. Superbowl Sunday (notice how both Superbowl and Sunday are always capitalized... That's because it has been adopted as an informal national holiday in our writing, and therefore in our civilization.

Dare I say it has been incorporated into the American race in a visceral way? This is Amurrica! We don't go bowling on Superbowl Sunday and we sure as shit don't get together and make decisions, organize, and banter about politics on Superbowl Sunday. {questionable Big Lebowski reference} And as a political organization I feel it is imperative that we do exactly what other political organizations and politicians do; raise money. I'm only partially joking but there's no way we're holding a fundraiser on a holiday with the magnitude of this one. We might as well throw a black and white gala on the very ground Jesus was crucified on.

I mean, you know Jesus is up in heaven sitting in a recliner made of clouds, drinking beer and eating pretzels in his bathrobe made of angel feathers, preparing to watch this game. Do we possess the audacity to collect checks from donors, let alone have a meeting, on a day when we know JC is looking down on the stadium that his father's leftover resources enabled man to create? (Can I just say how happy I am that the big guy left so much marijuana laying around the's grown and used everywhere! Truly an amazing plant.)

We're going to have an extremely hard time justifying this whole meeting thing to the big G.O.D. no matter who or what that may be in your belief set. See I like football so I like my Jesus to appreciate football. But I digress...Shall we observe the holiday? Dispense your thoughts.

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Report: Pats Have Acquired More Footage Than 'Planet Earth' Production Team

In the ongoing taint (the dynasty) festival, rumors are now stirring that Belichick and the Patriots filmed the Rams final walkthrough before their 20-17 victory in Super Bowl XXXVI.

Perhaps if Mike Martz hadn't been getting off to his 30-straight pass play offense, he'd have noticed a lingerer with a camera surveying the practice session.

Peeper or no peeper though, give the ball to Marshall Faulk more than 17 times and the title is yours, Mikey. And Brady is stuck dating Sears cotton underwear models.

Pats spied before SB XXXVI upset [FanNation]

Friday, February 1, 2008

Spreading Ourselves Thin: There Will Be Blood Edition

*Potential spoiler alert for those who haven't seen the film.*

We have avoided Around the Horn and most Sportscenter Super Bowl updates the past couple weeks, and as a result are feeling fresh going into the large contest in Glendale this Sunday. Since there is only one game for us to handicap, and we're hoping that the game will parallel P.T. Anderson's superb picture, we'll try to synch up some lines from the film and where they will apply on the field at UoP stadium. (And it really isn't too far of a stretch to envision Belichick as Daniel Plainview, or Manning as Eli Sunday.) Needless to say, we're hoping for a 60-minute, empire-building rivalry betwixt the two, ending in a bowling alley blood bath the Patriots not convulsing like Merriman at midfield.

*Peyton Sunday tips Belichick on the Giants gameplan*

Belichick (upon discovering Arizona Cardinals sweatshirt-turned jizzrag found on sidelines): What is this? Why don't I own this?

Belichick (after Eli conducts a 20-yard drive resulting in a Tynes missed FG): That was one goddamn helluva show.

Eli (to Shockey, who has been furiously attempting to pump up the crowd by swinging a dead bald eagle around his head on the sidelines): Do you think God is going to come down here and save you for being stupid? He doesn't save stupid people, [Jeremy].

Belichick (summoning the celebratory pour of fetus blood red gatorade after the win): Give me the blood, Lord!

Eli (to passafire, after overthrowing Plax by 10 yards): And as long as I have teeth, I will bite you!

Belichick (in Coughlin's ear, during post-game midfield handshake): One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

Belichick (to Eli, during post-game handshake): You're not the chosen brother, Eli. It was [Peyton] who was chosen. You see, he found me and told me about your [gameplan]. You're just a fool... I did what your brother couldn't. I broke you and I beat you. It was [Peyton] who told me about you. He's the [true product hawker].

*Eli bursts into tears*

Belichick: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You're just the afterbirth, Eli... You slithered out of your mother's filth... They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when [Peyton] was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli, but a band of sows? [This game] has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.

*Belichick beats Eli to pulp with Lombardi trophy on NFL logo at midfield, puts on Super Bowl XLII hat and smiles for camera*

Belichick: I'm done.

On that note, our pick: PATRIOTS (-12) over Giants. Enjoy the game everybody!

Scholarships Are For Sellouts

If ESPN is to sports what MTV is to music, then that would make the Patriots like 'Making the Band.' And Belichick like Puff Diddy, right? Maybe this indy sports fan can clarify for us.
Me: So what do you like, college football?
ISF: Meh, it's better, but not by much, most of the players are selling out by taking scholarships, and the good ones just sell out even more when it comes time to get drafted by the big labels... er... teams.

Keeping score is for The Man. On that note, we'll be back later today with a Super Bowl Spreading Ourselves Thin.

A Conversation With An Indy Sports Fan [College Humor]