Favre Faxes Dulcolax Prescription

Quinn Contemplates 'Catching' Professionally

Exclusive ESPN Report: Network Still Licking NFL's Plumbasket

ESPN News Services

ESPN reports that ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, will announce tomorrow, on ESPN the Tuesday, that the network will still be airing National Football League games in 2008.

Stay tuned for 24-hour coverage of ESPN/NFL schedule-release analysis beginning at midnight, on ESPN's 66-platform network of networks.

ESPN's Bob Ley reports that tomorrow, ESPN.com's featured comment will stay: 'WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH' for the duration of ESPN the Tuesday.

Quarterback Green Returns to Rams, Will Share 'Locker room' With Broccoli

ST. LOUIS -- Oft-concussed veteran quarterback Trent Green signed a three-year deal to return to play for the St. Louis Rams Monday.

Green was informed by coach Scott Linehan that the contract is valid only under the conditions that the 37-year-old dress in the team's locker room "annex".

"Greeny won't ever be invited in with the team or out onto the field, per se," Linehan said. "Rather he'll need to remain in the kitchen next to the cabbage."

Linehan also added that out of respect to opposing defender's knees, and Green's capacity to live, the former Pro Bowl slinger will be kept refigerated along with the other edible parts of plants.

"Drrdsa jghhe jee hh eiwepp," Green stated. "Gsdjk."

Did Marv out-perform Buck on 'The Snatch'? YESSSS!

Since Joe Buck's call of David Tyree's infamous Super Bowl snag sounded like he was about to throw down his headset and start crying, we wanted to see how our man Marv Albert played it over the radio waves.

It was one of the most exciting SB plays ever, and at least Marv jacked up the intensity over its course. Although no memorable lines were recited from Albert, at least the enthusiasm was there.

"What a play!... What a play!" is probably the only thing we'd have come up with as well. Tough to capture such a miraculous moment on radio.

Buck, we know you like to sound professional, but next time please don't take Nantz's lead and openly stroke the Pats.

Super Bowl Highlights [Westwood One]

What the Motherf**k?!

HBO's Inside the NFL is being cancelled after more than 30 years on the air. Tonight will be the last episode.

Cereally, is the Suns GM behind this move? What gives here?

Report: Pats Have Acquired More Footage Than 'Planet Earth' Production Team

In the ongoing taint (the dynasty) festival, rumors are now stirring that Belichick and the Patriots filmed the Rams final walkthrough before their 20-17 victory in Super Bowl XXXVI.

Perhaps if Mike Martz hadn't been getting off to his 30-straight pass play offense, he'd have noticed a lingerer with a camera surveying the practice session.

Peeper or no peeper though, give the ball to Marshall Faulk more than 17 times and the title is yours, Mikey. And Brady is stuck dating Sears cotton underwear models.

Pats spied before SB XXXVI upset [FanNation]

Stop the Mock, Can't Stop the Mock! (Sorry)

Although we like to pretend as if NFL news doesn't jam our brain fuller than Antonio Alfonseca shockering a bowling ball, we just can't resist a Mock Draft (this goes especially true in August for the fantasy varieties.)

SI's Donny "Cake Eater" Banks is the latest to magnetize our mind.

Thanks to some Sabean-esque wizardry, the Niners had to give up number 8 to the Pats, but do get 29 from Indy. There are a lot of great looking wideouts worthy of a first-round pick: Malcolm Kelly, Manningham, Doucet? If SF could hook one of those gunga-galungean playmakers, that'd be a warm feeling (and not the kind of warm feeling we got from all the Jameson's we had to drink to culp with the realization that the 9ers were gonna take Smith no. 1).

Let the Game Begin [CNNSI]

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Arrested Development Edition

After sandpapering off the edge of the regular season with consecutive 1-5 weeks, we were a little hesitant to get back on the gamblin' bone pony. But, last Thursday we did have the savvy to trudge through Miss Cleo's dangle-beaded door, perform cunniling exchange "services," and next thing we knew we had ourselves a perfect wildcard weekend against the spread.

Well, today we stand in a meadow during a thunderstorm, flying our aluminum kite, in hopes of shocker-ing ourselves and others with back-to-back 4-0 playoff marks.

Seahawks (+8) over PACKERS: "O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? *giggles* Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth." "We just call it a sausage."
It's pretty easy to envision Josh Brown playing the role of Mrs. Featherbottom and announcing that he just 'blue himself.' JB took a large step with his new wardrobe, and really the next logical career move is to push the envelope even further. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As good as the Seahawks looked on defense last week, we can see them winning this one outright. But we're gonna pick the Pack to edge Seattle by a slim margin, if only to delay the annual Favre retirement-talk schtick just a little longer.

Jaguars (+13.5) over PATRIOTS: "I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with 'Fuck Mountain.'"
Belichick is a man of many innovative ideas on defense. But the Jags have the ground game to munch the clock and keep this game within single digits. Now, if Billy can get Gob to loan Senior Seau his Segway for this contest, it might be a different story.

COLTS (-9) over Chargers: "Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio." "Como?" "Oh, you're gonna be in a coma alright."
"Yardstomper" Haynesworth tried to put little bitch Rivers into a coma last Sunday when he bulled through the line before the play started. We're not saying we want Philip in a coma per se, just put into his place: first on his ass, repeatedly, then home for the offseason and back to date-raping community college sorority skanks. Bob Sanders, make it happen mang.

Indy covering Sunday is the Kryptonite U-Lock Lock of the week: A healthy receiving corps for Manning with whom to shred. Norv and Rivers are both on the road, in a playoff game, with artificial crowd noise erecting the decibel meter's needle like Maebe stroking George Michael's inner thigh. And Jesus is on the Colts' side! Ding, ding, ding. It's time to double up the bank account fellows.

NY Giants (+7.5) over COWBOYS: "Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, 'Hot Ice' with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-soup... baby, I got a stew going."
Wade Phillips had to rush to the refrigerator before he could finish that last sentence. And he's gonna need a bushel of bearclaws come the fourth quarter to ease the stress of this doozy. Giants will play 'em very tough, but Big D squeaks away.

As always, if you want to go 4-0, you've gotta be swillin' the O.E. 4-0s every game. Call it the make-it-rain dance, if you will.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr. Kicking for You Seattle

Aww, how cute. Seattle kicker Josh Brown will wear heated warm-up pants to help defrost his genitals at Lambeau when the 'Hawks take on the Packers this Saturday in an NFC Divisional playoff.

JB is clearly concerned of shrinkage in the snowy conditions and would like his unit to still be able to fit into his blow-up doll's inflatable vagina for a lockerroom quickie.

Lose the electric hiphuggers and grab some pine, kicker. That way you may at least have a shot at getting your pine grabbed by one of the Green Bay cheerleader alternates in the stadium tunnel after the game.

Like Febreezing: Worst Case Scenario is It Won't Reek as Much

Towards the end of the 2006 season the Niners offense got those pickaxes swingin' and touchdown gold was beginning to look inevitable. Then, their offensive coordinator trapezed down to San Diego, and as a result 2007 was not dissimilar to sifting for gold with a used prophylactic.

But now, San Francisco has hired Mike Martz, former Matt Millen employee and alleged* Joe Cullen accomplice, to take over the offense. At the minimum we expect Mikey to get the O to at least find a nugget of fool's gold in the pan every now and then. Is 17 points per too much to ask?

One thing we can guarantee though of the challenge-minded newcomer is that because he won't have red-flagging authority, it's going to be awfully difficult for him not to carry scissors on the sideline, snip a square off his windbreaker and toss it onto the field after various O-line bed defecations.

*Spreading indecent exposure rumors about our new O-coordinator should glaze our offense with a coat of wiliness and unpredictability. At the very least the nudity potential will keep Belichick's camera zoomed out a little further when pilfering signs. The edges in the NFL still do indeed reside in the details.

No (Fish) Guts, No Glory

After watching Saturday's Seahawks/Skins NFC Wildcard matchup, it's become apparent to us that the amount of fish tossing just isn't prevalent enough during national broadcasts in Seattle.

Why settle for just one before the game starts? The more dead fish soaring through the air, the merrier, we say.

So please, producers, next time heed us on the advice and cut to a spiraling salmon shot every time:

♠ Shaun Alexander carries the ball.
♠ A Hasselbeck mustache sequence airs.
♠ Starbucks gets mentioned.
♠ Holmgren starts eating the playchart.

Beautiful, Sweet, Bloody, Playoff Foosball Witch Yo Friends

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh duking it out in the ketchup swamp this Saturday is the only playoff game of the weekend that is both: a) up for grabs, and b) not featuring little Elijah. Hence, it is obviously the most compelling game of the quadratic wildcard round, the deep-fried calamari of appetizers, if you will.

The Jags, both with their victory at Heinz a few weeks back, and the constant shaft stroking of their toughness by the sports media, have been sexed up to 2.5 point favorites on the road (of course a plethora of Pitt injuries equate in here as well).

Our gut reaction was that K-Ville J-Ville should win this game by outmuscling the body builder, outhaymaking the Butterbean, outmasturbating the teenager... in essence, outPittsburghing Pittsburgh with "smash mouth" football.

But maybe we're so quick to pick the Jags because we believe they have a better shot at defeating New England. We've already seen the Steelers try their slingshots against Goliath; they got goatreemed, nearly tripled-up, in week 14. Or maybe we like the Jags because they don't have an ass-chinned, flaming yellow-flanneled mascot that was hired out of a Village People cover band.

As good of a season as Garrard has had, and don't get us wrong, it was damn good and underrated, he's never done anything in the playoffs. Aww actually, shit, Big Ben hadn't when the Steelers won the Super Bowl two years ago (but if Garrard plays as poorly as Roethlisberger did at Ford Field he won't be getting bailed out by the refs, he will be back to his offseason gig).

Neither team lacks big-play capability, although Pittsburgh has the vastly superior receiving corps. Neither team lacks a ground game, although Jacksonville has both a bowling ball and a whiffle ball in their backfield. The sans-Willie Steelers will miss that motherfucker's shiftiness.

Hell, at this point we feel like a fruity feline chasing its tail, only without the catnip high. We can't drum up a strong enough argument for either side. And believe us, we're not putting our money where our mouth is (it's the sole game on which we aren't wagering).

The hitting will be the hardest. The turf will be the sloppiest. The occurence of devastating knee injuries the most bountiful of all of this year's playoff games. Whichever team has the purest "mudder" geneology will win it. That's all we know. That's what makes this game so exciting.

Pigskin crotch meter for Saturday evening: a rigid, 45-degree SCHA-WIIIING!*

*We're pretty sure even registered NFL hater Locomotive's junk will be rigor mortis for this one's duration.

Making Cadillac Margaritas Out of Lemons

Bad news for Kige and the Titans nation headed into Saturday's AFC Wild Card game against the Chargers: First, they found out tight end Bo Scaife will not be playing due to excessive absinthe intake on NYE (lacerated liver). And now, leading "receiver" Roydell Williams is out for the season after getting his foot stuck in the team's cafeteria conveyer belt (broken ankle).

Assuming Vince Young avoids a falling anvil or piano from above, he should at least be good to go this weekend.

But now, rather than being able to throw to moving scarecrows with stone mittens, VY will have to do his best completing passes to moving, KY jellied-up, vertical slip-n-slides.

At least VY to KY has an aurally pleasing ring to it. And hey, we're pretty sure neither Peyton nor Eli has advertised for vaginal moisturizer yet!

So Vince, don't worry about losing to that little bitch Rivers this weekend. We see you having a long, lubed, pleasurable, and profitable offseason.

Nolan to Focus Operations on True Talent in '08

To the dismay of some, and to the delight of women and gays, Mike Nolan will be sticking around with the 49ers for the 2008 season.

In a compromise with ownership, Nolan will forfeit his dictotorial personnel decisionmaking power, turning GM duties over to Scott McCloughan.

In a compromise with San Francisco players and fans, Nolan will change his title with the organization from head coach to team stylist.

Patriots Proprietor's Passionate Pursuit of Pussy-Palleted Necktie Perfection

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- A lotta records fell in New England's 38-35 win over the New York Giants Saturday night at the Meadowlands, perhaps most notably, the largest pink necktie collection.

Patriots owner Bob Ryan Kraft made his 25th straight appearance in front of a national audience wearing a pink tie, increasing his lead over the next closest competitor: Richard Simmons, with one.

"It's an interesting record to hold," Patriots receiver Jabar Gaffney said. "My advice to Mrs. Kraft: From now on, use laundry detergent, not Pepto-Bismol, to do the wash."

Neither Kraft, nor Simmons, could be reached for comment.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It appears ESPN has fired its alliterative slogan writing staff, and lazily begun relying on car company PR think tanks. We're sure by now you're familiar with their New England Patriots/Lexus [Passionate] Pursuit of Perfection gem. Well, here are the rest of the worldwide leader's car-motto-turned-NFL-team descriptions that have yet to be unleashed upon the Bottom Line:

Cincinnati Bengals (via Toyota): Moving Backward

Miami Dolphins (via Nissan): Shit_

Minnesota Vikings (attn: Fred Smoot, via Dodge): Grab Life by the Double-Headed Dildos

Kansas City Chiefs (via General Motors): We Are Professional Grade Horse Manure

Baltimore Ravens (via Chevrolet): An Offensive De-evolution

Patrick Willis Fun Facts

Patrick Willis leads the NFL in tackles, by a lot.

If not today, then definitely by this time next year, Patrick Willis will be the best player in the league.

Patrick Willis can outrun an ostrich, and out-destruct a wrecking ball.

Urban Dictionary is considering changing the 'skullfucking' entry to 'Willising.'

Patrick Willis can make a vice grip fumble just by staring at it.

Kellen Winslow Jr. is a "soldier," Patrick Willis is an army.

Patrick Willis can snap Chuck Norris' leg by teabagging the firecrotch's roundhouse kick.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Flight of the Conchords Edition

We understand we haven't been picking winners at a very successful clip this season, especially last week (1-5). But it's ok, you don't need a warm house or apartment to wager. A cardboard box will do just fine to reside in as long as you're in on the god damn action. So fuck off Gary Loveman.












Packers (-8) over BEARS: "Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy."
And gamblers are attracted to games featuring the neck beard that is Kyle Orton. So go ahead and take a pull of Jack and lay your mortgage on Green Bay.

JAGUARS (-13) over Raiders: "I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard."
Jacksonville will penetrate you through a brick wall. Literally, they will plow through stone with their junk and then ram you up the ass with their running game. Only Purple Jesus and Lavender Lucifer make a better tandom than MoJo and Taylor. This year Freddy got fingered once more by the Pro Bowl and will now continue the skullfucking deep into January.

Buccaneers (-6) over 49ERS: "'The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?' 'Sounds like something a lamppost could do.'"
Last week was an abomination aberration. The Bengals are fucking terrible and we have a feeling the novelty, along with the accuracy, of Shaun Hill will rub off a little this week against a menacing D. Oh, and although a lamppost could easily handle Coach Nolan's job, it wouldn't look as sexy in a suit and tie on gameday.

Broncos (+8.5) over CHARGERS: "Item Two. A). Gig. Oh... a gig. I'm going to get you one."
Murray may be able to get Norv a show at an airport lounge or an aquarium after the Bolts gag out of the playoffs. Of course the job would consist of counting whale sperm. Not performing music, and Jesus Christ, not coaching.

CARDINALS (-10) over Falcons: "'It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.' 'More like a 'compartment.'"
Coaching prospects would rather draw up gameplans for getting Jemaine triple-digit poon in a broom closet than have anything to do with the Atlanta franchise.

BILLS (+2.5) over Giants: "'Band Agenda. Item One: Haircut Bret.' 'No. Haven't had it done.' 'Well get it cut. You don't hear about professional musicians with long hair.' 'Well, what about Led Zeppelin?' 'No, I mean a man.'"
We just hope Romo won't confuse Shockey for Jessica the next time Dallas and New York meet. I don't think that giant flag-wrapped bald eagle would appreciate the homoerotic advances.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Attempting to Eliminate Thoughts of Double-Football Chested Women While Playing Football

So T.O. has spoken out against Jessica Simpson's presence in Texas Stadium. Maybe he's just jealous that when Romo bags a blonde, the world doesn't get outraged (see: that Desperate Housewive's/MNF ad).

Either way, T.O.'s comments are neither surprising nor likely disruptive to Dallas. After all, the man's got 25 million reasons not to be a "cancer."

As for Romo, maybe it's not such a wise decision to have those funbags watching you play in the month where you so clearly lick banshee balls. Had Simpson been in Irving in September or October, we're pretty sure little Tony would have been getting a happy ending in the locker room at halftime. But this month, it's merely one long Joe Buck oglepalooza.

Maybe Wade Phillips ought to dip into the Larry Eustachy coaching playbook and facilitate a threesome to silence T.O.

Seriously though, all of this bedazzled #9 jersey and jugg talk do lead us to wonder...

We know Romo can certainly get into the endzone. But does he fumble the clit and then get tackled from behind when going for the extra point? Does Joe Simpson supervise and broker contracts in between each new bedroom act? All roads lead to Doubleyesville.

For Real? Terrell Owens Hates Jessica [The Big Lead]