Country Singer Whispers Sweet Nothings in Dallas Goaltender's Earhole

File this one in the 'timely posts' section of your Carl Monday Memorial library, for we've recently come to discover that Dallas Stars backup goalie Mike Smith gave dome to a dude has a dude on his dome - and apparently it's supposed to be former Padres auditionee Garth Brooks. *Insert Brooks' song title pun and/or Brokeback joke here*

This is a special precedent Smith has set here. We can only hope it leads to Dominik Hasek stenciling a shirtless Eminem onto his old, sexually neutral red helmet when he once again pounces out of his retirement rocker.

Always Crashing in the Same Teal Car

One of the best hockey games ever happened to be one of the longest hockey games ever. Which also happened to be one of the sharpest daggers to the balls that a Sharks fan has taken, ever.

Like grass dampening in the rain, or us bolting to the computer after a provocative late-night infomercial, another promising San Jose season has come to a disappointing end.

So as we bid adieu to yet one more underachieving playoff campaign, we honor the fifth-longest game in NHL history -- (Robert) Frost on ice, if you will -- with a poem of the shortest variety.

Red 42... Blue 68... set, hut, hut, Haiku!

Nab. Turc. Magic show.
Big hits rammed. Seven frames spanned.
Gulp whistle, (you fucking) zebra.

What's the Most You've Ever Lost on a Coinflip? The Shot at an Improbable Comeback

With Joe Pavelski's overtime goal Friday night to push the Sharks to a game six against Dallas, a game seven, and ultimately a game one of the conference finals for the teal and black (and orange), is now conceivably graspable.

Coming back from a 3-0 deficit is difficult, as proven by the thousands (hundreds?) of teams who have failed to do so in sporting seasons' past.

In the Sharks instance: the white, foggy haze enveloping their eyesight after the series' first three games has proven not to be heavenly clouds of a death confirmation, but gobs of white out smeared over their retinas.

And now, with the series at 3-2 and headed back to the Large Fourth Letter of the Alphabet, that white out is chipping off with each Dallas goal overturned.

It's within grasp. Game six feels like a coin flip to Sharks fans, and should the metal circle land favorably, game seven a momentum-fueled lock. No jinx-mo.

So a message to "Teal Town" going forward: don't get eaten by a shark. Because we now have a 50/50 shot at meeting a well-rested powerhouse in the conference finals.

Now I Mean You, Crank That Gary Glitter

A few Calgarian calls by the refs could not stop the crustacean Roenick, above top right, from feasting on the supple buttocks of the firecrotch Kiprusoff, above left, in the Sharks' 5-3 game seven victory over the Flames Tuesday night.

Two goals and two assists for the old timer make it eight points in six career game sevens. Fantastic. This asshole used to irritate us to no end as an outspoken douche for other teams, but now that he is a Shark, we understand the words he has spoken. He has spoken. Jeremy's shhpohkenn, yeeaa-aaaa-ee-yeahhh.

Bonilla Ice, Ice, Baby

As Talespin was to Ducktales, we present the puck version of NBA skeet:

I'm Here For the Gang Bang

Somewhere in Los Angeles... Johnny Drama is engorged.

Thanks to With Leather for the pic

Sharks Rookie Scores, Perspires, Profusely

What would you say if we told you the Sharks are so stacked this year that four of their goals over the past three games have been scored using only the patch of skin between the scrotum and the anus?

That's taint-tastic!

Indeed it is, and we owe it all to the promising Canadian youngster Devin Setoguchi. Gooch, as he has been dubbed by captain* Joe Thornton, holds the best nickname in hockey, and may also hold the Calder Memorial Trophy come June.

The eighth overall pick of 2005 boasts an impressive young resume lodged in the landscape under his manpon: 6 goals in 8 career games - including a deuce in his debut and another 2-ball in a win Monday night against Phoenix - which already lands him second on San Jose in goals.

Let us reiterate the purpose for celebration here though; it isn't Setoguchi's furious goal output per se, rather the privelage for every teal-clad puck fan to now be able to appropriately shout out 'GOOCH!' on a daily basis.

Note to Phoenix and Edmonton fans, respectively: Fret not. Roger Taintsworth and Dave Grundlier will be called up to the big stage soon enough, and you too will have your time to shine.

*Actually, alternate captain. Sorry Patty, and thanks to Justin Vonderach for correction.

I'm Going to be Coaching, Yayyyyyy!

Bob Hartley, head coach of the Atlanta Thrashers was fired by the team Wednesday on the heels of an 0-6 start. Read: 7-percent through the season.

In a non-televised press conference after the announcement, General Manager Don Waddell lamented that the club had no other option. "No team has ever gone winless in its first six games and come back to make the playoffs. There's just not enough time. We're f---ing done. It is a shame that we had to let a rookie coach go. But our hopes and prayers do go out to him and his family that his old job at Louisville is still there."

Waddell reportedly had been heard asking team officials last week as to why the field looked so white and even stated that there seemed to be "about half the amount of players running around as usual" during a recent Atlanta home game. The GM has also been witnessed, on multiple occasions, screaming "it's all Ookie's fault!" while sprinting through the halls, arms flailing, of the team's practice facility.

Waddell will assume interim coaching responsibilities following the departure of Hartley (who, by the way, won the Stanley Cup with Colorado in 2001).

In related news, the American Mental Disability Association has since awarded Waddell with a special sparkly star for his courage in taking on the responsibility.

"We find it heart-warming that Don is not held back by his handicap," AMDA spokesman Martha Rothchild said. "We wish him nothing but the best of luck throughout the rest of the season. Oh, and one more thing: it is the official position of the AMDA that it will not offend us if you go ahead and wager against the Thrashers from here on out."

Merchandise Sales Spike/Deep Sea Bloodbath

Whoa, when did the Sharks relocate to D.C.? We all know the little weasel Gary Bettman runs the sneakiest operation of the Big 4, but how could a jersey change of a Western Conference powerhouse go unnoticed til now? Oh, that's right it's not the playoffs yet.

As if now having to put up with wannabe spokesman Jeremy Roenick isn't tough enough for Sharks fans we must also bid adieu to the ferocious yet friendly old logo; and welcome in a more lethal, more jagged, new fish emblem.

Time for a Lord Mullet Melrose-esque Analysis of the two, side-by-side: On the left you have the old stand-by. Terrific symmetry; long, sharp teeth; and it's even registered!

To the right, the new logo: A more barbed approach (the framing triangle is even bent like an arrowhead); teal highlighting; and somewhat surprisingly, the teeth aren't as long!

New logo cons: The stick doesn't appear to be game-used (notice the lack of tape on the handle), and the shark seems to have gotten a wooden shard lodged into its right eye.

New logo pros: One can no longer mistake the left pectoral fin for a second, choad-like dorsal fin, as was often the case for the dimensionally-challenged old logo.

Consensus: This hellacious, serrated new emblem remains at a lower rank. But give him time, he may just swim into our heart. Or perhaps harpoon it out with his needle-like nose.