Monday, November 17, 2008

Of Greetings and Goodbyes, And SunChip crumbs

Apologies to our faithful audience (in my case, Murph, and in his case, me) for the eerily similar performance to Plaxico Burress that's been put into the site lately (not to be confused with the '07 version).

Really, like Emilio, we've surely had some great ideas to return to the limelight. Typing 150 words or so and slotting in a hip/ironic picture is often times more difficult than the quadruple deke or rounding up Fulton and the old crew.

For now, just trust that our intentions to write more are pure, and that our next real post has a solid chance to come out before D4: Running Afowl. So until then, maybe write into your neighborhood movie exec to get this baby fast-tracked, or green lit, or what have you:

Coach Bombay (i.e. me) is skating on a frozen pond in slow motion, sort of reflecting on his life like he always does, and then the ice cracks and he falls in. For a second it looks like he's going to drown, but then you see someone extend this hockey stick into the ice-cold water, and the camera zooms up, and it's Charlie (i.e. Charlie Conway, my protégé). He saves me. He's old now and has a beard. And he says in this really gravelly voice "Ducks fly together" and I nod at him and then the team gets back together to play in the Olympics. Then "Whoomp! (There It Is)" starts playing.

How about a slow quack, for old times sake?

When Life Gets You Down... [The Onion]

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Stalking Chase: An Admirer on Tracks

Dear Chase Utley,

Thanks for ripping twenty eight homers with your short, jerky swing. Your VORP is like that of John Lennon, there is only one.

It’s time for you to find a Hollywood publicist and a public vice. Spend your nights outside Philly’s finest strip joints with Stephen Jackson, firing automatic weapons into the air, slurping Grey Goose on the rocks and snorting cocaine off Destiny’s backside. Let your hair down Chase, we wanna see your dark side.

The way you flick those wrists makes me wonder if you’re into S&M.


Friday, July 11, 2008

LBMS Book Club

The struggling American economy is slowly eliminating the high school sports landscape, leaving one Pulitzer winner in search of a new game, and a new breed, to exploit. That man is, of course, Pulitzer Prize winning reporter H.G. Bissinger.
Secular religions are fascinating in the devotion and zealousness they breed, and in Oregon, under-eight soccer has its own "rabid" hold over the faithful. H.G. Bissinger, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, enters into the spirit of one of its "most fervent shrines": Cedar Mill, an upper-middle class suburb in the comfortable confines of Northwest Oregon, where the Brockman D.D.S. Tooth Fairies have managed to compile the most smiles and least on-field urine stains in state annals. Indeed, as this breathtaking examination of the town, the team, its coaches, and its young players chronicles, the team, for better and for worse, is portrayed as the town; the communal health and self-image of the latter is minsinterpreted as being linked to the on-field success of the former. The 2007 season, the one Saturday Afternoon Orange Slices recounts, was not one of the Tooth Fairies' best. Bissinger's effect on the community--and the players--was explosive. Written with exaggerated style and unnecessary, borderline libelous, passion, SAOS offers an American snapshot in deeply blurred focus; the picture is not always pretty, but the image is hard to forget.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Country Singer Whispers Sweet Nothings in Dallas Goaltender's Earhole

File this one in the 'timely posts' section of your Carl Monday Memorial library, for we've recently come to discover that Dallas Stars backup goalie Mike Smith gave dome to a dude has a dude on his dome - and apparently it's supposed to be former Padres auditionee Garth Brooks. *Insert Brooks' song title pun and/or Brokeback joke here*

This is a special precedent Smith has set here. We can only hope it leads to Dominik Hasek stenciling a shirtless Eminem onto his old, sexually neutral red helmet when he once again pounces out of his retirement rocker.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Monday, June 23, 2008

Handicapping the College World Series Final

The championship series of the CWS begins this evening in Omaha and pits the number four regional seed Fresno State Bulldogs against the number eight national seed Georgia Bulldogs.

Picking the winner is normally a quite easy task, as the the school with the tougher mascot has won every year since 1998 (Trojans over Sun Devils; in reality, a devil will corrode the soul of even the strongest-willed warrior, but USC happened to prevail in the baseball matchup ten years ago).

But considering this year features a battle of mascots of the same breed, an anomaly that hasn't occured in the CWS's 61-year history, we'll need to analyze the logos to uproot our answer.

Fresno State (above, left) pros: Bulldog assumes a strong, wide stance and yields Popeye-calibur forearms; compensates for jowels with chiseled body; pigeon-pawed, giving it a steady center of gravity; looks like the milky cousin of that demon dog from Ghostbusters.

Georgia pros: Battle-ready intensity, complete with prototypical Bulldog underbite; razor-sharp spikes on collar; cap, although erring on the circus-tent side looks-wise, implies a more advanced baseball capacity than it's nude-domed FSU counterpart; wrinkly (savvy); bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating rabies.

Fresno State cons: Cross-eyed, mouth agape; rounded, bulbous spikes on collar; bright-white teeth, smooth face, indicators of pampering, thus lowering kennel cred.

Georgia cons: No body; apparent cauliflower ear; red, blood-like substance above collar, evidence to decapitation as reason for lack of body; bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating the dog is high.

Consensus: Even though the signs point towards a Fresno State win, we can't rule out a mascot that has chomped at opposing players in the past. Georgia in three.

Parker Becomes Second Woman to Score Basket in WNBA Game

Sunday, June 15, 2008

V(o)ulgar(is) Profits Via Vaticination

If you follow the tournament poker circuit at all you may be familiar with Haralabos Voulgaris. In his televised WPT final table from a few years back, he came across as a man with an icepick of an intellect but an arrogant douche index spiking higher than Bob Costas at a journalistic integrity convention.

Apparently though, this guy has been making a living betting NBA games the last few years and has compiled quite the statistical database to predict scoring outcomes. Henry Abbott of TrueHoop caught up with H-Voulg and discussed the man's grueling game logging, his million dollar profits, as well as his thoughts on wig-hawking Morrie-level mobster Tim Donaghy.

Very interesting read, and in the duo of interviews Voulgaris comes across as intelligent as we figured he was and, until the very last paragraph, somewhat humble.

Gambling is of no interest to me, I "gamble" on two things: poker and sports. Neither of which is actually a gamble, because my edge in both is rather large.

As is, probably, his time spent talking to pretend people on his cellphone while waiting alone outside the ropes at Vegas nightclubs.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Wait, pound is tic tac toe, right?

In tribute to the Lakers-Celtics beginning tonight and uh, Magic Johnson. And the Arrested Development movie slated for 2009.

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Former NHL Star Turns to Lucrative Balancing Biz

Theodore Fleury, who used to make a living amusing fans as a toothless gnome on ice, has switched his racket to entertaining minor league baseball crowds with in-between inning ball-on-bat balancing acts.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Pedro Applying the Ultimate D-Stamp

With the MLB amateur player draft quickly approaching, and the G-men to have their highest selection since 1997, we've been taking extra interest in the talent pool.

Pedro Alvarez of Vanderbilt is touted by most as the cream of the crop, the knees of the bees, the Omar of the rip 'n runners. And really, the only chance of him falling to five is the Boras factor. Which is fine since Justin Smoak is a switch-hitting 'Cocksmith of Teixeiran power and average and would be a morpheus fit in SF (especially since he totes a glove that would be as close to Snow as the Bay Area has seen since JT departed.)

Ped-Al and An-Vil, though, as corner infielders would surely comprise the best 3-4 haymaker combo in an MLB lineup since... Chipper and Teixeira?

Monday, May 19, 2008

Two-Thirds the Innings, Four-Thirds the F*cking Fun!

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Laguna Beach, CA. In this edition, The Loco waxes nostalgic and beats down kids for snack-bar-bucks-redeemable foul balls at the local little league ballyard.

When you’re in your early twenties and you ride a desk for a living there’s only one thing that gets you through the grind. For me that one thing is little league baseball.

I think about it all the time; the snack bar gummy worms, taking grounders with your friends, wondering when you’ll be big enough to put one in the seats.

My nostalgia for America’s pastime prompted me to conclude that I should join a hardball team; lather my senses with big league chew, manicured grass, bean balls, beer bellies and polish sausage. Plus, it will be something to break up the monotony of my memoirs, which currently read: “Day 7940: Jacked off again...”

Play Ball!

Moral for High-School Sophomores: Wear Giants Gear, Potentially Get Laid

Looks like Tommy's showing a little love for the only team that would have scored less than the Pats did in Super Bowl XLII.

On a serious note, it's refreshing to see a superstar sporting an SF cap in public. Our appreciation increased a few figures on the totem pole for Brady. We're that easy. Fortunately not as easy as the 15-year old giving him the f*ck-me eyes though.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

WNBA Desperate, Tries Honesty For New Campaign Slogan

We conclude that their therapist advised them on this maneuver. Or maybe, the league is simply going through its blunt-honesty phase of menopause.

WNBA: Expect Great

Sunday, May 11, 2008

For just one night let's not be co-workers, let's be co-people

Barkley got Burgundy'd last week by EJ on the TNT set. Later that evening Chaz consumed five pulled pork sandwiches and a litre of potato salad from the post-show spread, and was reportedly heard telling the Turner production staff to not "act like you're not impressed."

In other Anchorman news, apparently Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay will reunite for a sequel as soon as they take care of their current projects. Though tingling vibrations of Caddyshack 2 and Dumb and Dumberer just shot down our spine, we remain optimistic.

We Wonder If Bloatsburgh Has a Park This Nice; And Whether The Beets Have Played to a Sold-out Crowd There

As Giants fans who have been to PNC Park, we don't take kindly to those that favor Pittsburgh's confines to the Bay Area's. However, the above picture single-imagedly closed that gap betwixt the two a couple rosin bag-widths worth.

A gem of a yard no doubt. Though we'd prefer to be sitting down the first-base line than underneath Jason Bay's taint, as photographer Gene J. Puskar so selected.

For those, however, who aren't quite sold on the slight superiority of Pac BellAT&TMonster? SBC over PNC, try drinking Iron City lager out of an aluminum bottle after a frothy cup of Anchor Steam on draft. It's like chasing angellic breast milk with demonic outhouse sludge. Figuratively.

Or maybe we're just bitter the G-men can't buy, or barter with clubhouse blow-up dolls, a win in that god forsaken yard.

Undershirts are for the Cowardly

Congratulations to the Mad Dog on picking up his 350th career win last night. The most enjoyable part of that experience for us was the post-game press conference. We could listen to Maddux talk for hours on end.

From the reptilian tongue movement, to the commencing of each sentence with "you know, ahhh...", to the prolonged smiles after his jokes, giving the impression he just took a few bong loads in the training room; our women's hearts melt.

He dresses up in golf attire to watch tv, and he's got just the right sprinkling of Lumbergh in his speech delivery to put you in a peaceful trance.

Or perhaps we just enjoy watching him address the masses with the notion that maybe, given enough time behind the mic, he'll start rambling about his alleged brown deliveries on rookies' uniforms, or leg urinations in the shower.

Because if you're a young player, there's no better way to begin a career than to be blessed with the notorious Mad Dog coating.

Maddux beats Rockies for 350th win
[] (Click the press conference link just above the story's text for a sampling)

Monday, May 5, 2008

Always Crashing in the Same Teal Car

One of the best hockey games ever happened to be one of the longest hockey games ever. Which also happened to be one of the sharpest daggers to the balls that a Sharks fan has taken, ever.

Like grass dampening in the rain, or us bolting to the computer after a provocative late-night infomercial, another promising San Jose season has come to a disappointing end.

So as we bid adieu to yet one more underachieving playoff campaign, we honor the fifth-longest game in NHL history -- (Robert) Frost on ice, if you will -- with a poem of the shortest variety.

Red 42... Blue 68... set, hut, hut, Haiku!

Nab. Turc. Magic show.
Big hits rammed. Seven frames spanned.
Gulp whistle, (you fucking) zebra.

Sunday, May 4, 2008

Mrs. FIGJAM and the Sightly Swede

Mrs. FIGJAM: It's stupid that just because my husband is jealous of Tiger that we can't hang out on our knees and wear matching knits all the time.

Mrs. Woods: LOL, I know, right! Forget the boys for once.

Mrs. F: Wow Elin, I'm glad you see it that way. Let's hold hands.

Mrs. W: Uhh...

Mrs. F: Come on chica, I want to feel your supple Scandinavian skin. Take your hand outta that sweater! Lol.

Mrs. W: Heh... I think I'll just leave it in actually.

Mrs. F: Well can you at least take off those darned glamour shades. Maybe we can try a butterfly kiss!

*awkward silence*

Mrs. F: My husband and I share bras.

Mrs. W: Check, please.

Saturday, May 3, 2008

What's the Most You've Ever Lost on a Coinflip? The Shot at an Improbable Comeback

With Joe Pavelski's overtime goal Friday night to push the Sharks to a game six against Dallas, a game seven, and ultimately a game one of the conference finals for the teal and black (and orange), is now conceivably graspable.

Coming back from a 3-0 deficit is difficult, as proven by the thousands (hundreds?) of teams who have failed to do so in sporting seasons' past.

In the Sharks instance: the white, foggy haze enveloping their eyesight after the series' first three games has proven not to be heavenly clouds of a death confirmation, but gobs of white out smeared over their retinas.

And now, with the series at 3-2 and headed back to the Large Fourth Letter of the Alphabet, that white out is chipping off with each Dallas goal overturned.

It's within grasp. Game six feels like a coin flip to Sharks fans, and should the metal circle land favorably, game seven a momentum-fueled lock. No jinx-mo.

So a message to "Teal Town" going forward: don't get eaten by a shark. Because we now have a 50/50 shot at meeting a well-rested powerhouse in the conference finals.

Philosophical Punditry and Substance Abuse

Here we are in the dungeon of capitalism, and the election is getting weird. In a race to the toilet, ESPN and its cast of goons are outdone only by the current political landscape of goofy sophists and charlatans, two men and a woman addicted to lust, anger, denial and the big fix.

Praise to allah and death to capitalism. It's murky waters we swim in. If Welfare, medicaid, medical, SSI, ESPN and streaming pornography aren't sufficient to bouy someone of your intellectual fervor, the dream is gone. White picket fences, aging spouses and a giant hole in your soul don't have the appeal that they once did.

Some find solace in the translucent orange bottles of presecription meds, booze, vats of cocaine or a manic late-night frenzy of Skoal and party poker. Your chasm is expanding and the anesthesia of adolescence is wearing off.

Time to turn inward and harvest your sorrow. Piss on the flames. Tear your hair, shred your clothes, ejaculate on your existential dilemma. Douse your groin with talcolm powder and run wildly through the streets. Our time has come.



Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Bang Bus On Ice

Here it looks like we have Fulton laying out Averman.

Or actually that could've been Merriman in the dark jersey, receiving the minor-league hockey equivalent of getting tucked into bed. What a wallop.

Thanks to Wyshynski and AA for the vid.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

LBMS Films Presents: Forgetting Brandon Marshall

From the producers of The 40-Year-Old Quarterback and Knocked Up By Travis Henry comes a comic look at one guy's arduous quest to grow up and get over the heartbreak of losing a blossoming elite receiver -- if he can only make himself start Forgetting Brandon Marshall.

Struggling fantasy owner Peter Bretter (Jason Segel, How I Met Your Mother, Freaks & Geeks) has spent four months idolizing his wide-out, Denver Broncos star Brandon Marshall (Brandon Marshall, Central Florida). He's the guy left cleaning up television shards and accidentally omitted from post-game interviews. But his world is rocked when the non-keeper league’s season ends and Peter finds himself alone.

After an unsuccessful bout of fantasy baseball and an on-the-job nervous breakdown, he sees that not having Brandon may just ruin his life. To clear his head, Peter takes an impulsive trip to Oahu, where he is confronted by his worst nightmare: his ex-player and a gaggle of drooling, prospective new Marshall fantasy-owners, sharing his hotel! But as he torments himself with the reality of Brandon's potential new team, he finds relief in a flirtation with Calvin (Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech), a talented off-season resort employee whose large hands and tremendous athletic ability tempts him to rejoin the world of off-season draft preparation. He also finds relief in several hundred embarrassing, fruity cocktails.

For anyone who has ever felt it move after a sleeper-turned-star's touchdown comes a heartfelt look at fantasy male relationships -- featuring Wes Welker, Tony Romo, Santonio Holmes and Minnesota D. Part romantic comedy, part guy-yearning yarn, Forgetting Brandon Marshall is the world’s first borderline gay romantic comedy.

Overheard From the Guidance Counselor's Office

Nice job by the ever-charming Matthew Berry (aka Talented Mr. Roto) recapping the last decade (and beyond) of developments in fantasy sports. We’ve been partaking for about 12 years now and one thought has remained a fixture on our mental mouse wheel for quite some time.

Along with bartending on a tropical isle, becoming a fantasy sportsmith tops our list of desired career choices. We often envision ourselves turning heads as a renegade industrialist; combining attributes of the stock trader, the medic, and the scout; and perhaps even parlaying the potential revenue river into our own line of business-casual bathrobes.

But every time we try to chalk up a conceivable game plan, managing dozens of franchises in every possible sport, we’re left disheartened at a projected $5,000 annual income. And that’s assuming we can win 25-percent of the leagues we enter. Dag.

It looks like we better slip back into a Hawaiian T and start practicing our Strong Island ratios.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

All Iassogna, And You Porked the Mutt

Four-year veteran major-league umpire Dan Iassogna, ladies and gentleman. Slicing and dicing Matt Chico's WHIP.

Uhh... maybe Dan was just fist pumping in celebration of Escobar's blazing speed. Either that or he was in fantasyland donkey punching an imaginary Jessica Biel.


Vid courtesy Awful Announcing

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Now I Mean You, Crank That Gary Glitter

A few Calgarian calls by the refs could not stop the crustacean Roenick, above top right, from feasting on the supple buttocks of the firecrotch Kiprusoff, above left, in the Sharks' 5-3 game seven victory over the Flames Tuesday night.

Two goals and two assists for the old timer make it eight points in six career game sevens. Fantastic. This asshole used to irritate us to no end as an outspoken douche for other teams, but now that he is a Shark, we understand the words he has spoken. He has spoken. Jeremy's shhpohkenn, yeeaa-aaaa-ee-yeahhh.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Cotton-Mouthed King Wishes You Happy April 20

Lebron provided White Castle sliders, Hostess donuts, blazin' buffalo and ranch flavored Doritos, and peanut butter to all in attendance at the sold-out Quicken Loans Arena for the annual event.

C-Brew Burned by the Flame of the Double Dragon

We missed this from a few nights ago but Corey Brewer put a nice little exclamation point to the WTF that was the Timberwolves season. Not only does he stuff himself on the breakaway dunk but he gets his rebound and misses the rim completely on a putback.

Yeah, we'd say that's the household-chore equivalent of shattering a dish and then picking up the ceramic shard and accidentally gouging out your eye.

Minnesota: Where net conservation happens.

Thanks to Basketbawful for the vid.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Things To Do In Denver When Driving Krunk

Since we're feeling a little frisky tonight, we thought we'd pull some NBA playoff predictions out of the bottom of this wild turkey. Literally, these picks were retrieved from the gullet of a bucking bird, scribed on tiny, fortune-cookie sized slips. Here are the first couple matchups:

1. LA Lakers vs. 8. Denver Nuggets
If I'm George Karl, I'm replacing my dancers with 12 young women who look like this. And then I'm ordering my opponent son to helm the wheel of Melo's Mercedes. Then I'm going to masturbate furiously in the locker room before each and every game, project my essense on the team whiteboard, and hope the jizm resembles a new, creative, gameplan with which to not get swept.

Denver is spunky and they've got the talent to win a few games in this series. However if Karl doesn't follow those above-mentioned steps to the tee, they don't make it to next weekend (game two). Lakers in five.

2. New Orleans Hornets vs. 7. Dallas Mavericks
Earlier this year we wagered a friend $1,000 that 49ers behemoth Patrick Willis was headed for Canton. We'd be willing to place a bet of the same stakes that Chris "Basket" Paul is on his way to Springfield, or wherever the NBA hall happens to be. He's phenomenal. He could take four WNBA players and they'd give any five the Special Olympic squad throws on the court a run for their money.

Can't pick against Dallas here though. Just can't. Want to. Can't. Don't want to see Cuban's manzere strap jostling loose of his shirt-jersey from a DDR-esque celebration after a Hornets missed crunch-time free throw. But that was too easy to picture. Mavs in seven.

More predictions coming before the playoffs begin, we would assume.

Please Sir, I Want Some More

The Portland TrailBlazers would like to submit a Guinness entry for shortest time between half-court alley oops.

Call it the Cal-State Stanislaus offense, call it what you will. But damn will Port be sexy with Oden and another lottery baby thrown in the mix next season.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Bay Area Diagnosis Negative: Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

Two weeks ago I woke up and realized the Giants are driving hard for the number one pick (Ed. Note: They're too scrappy for that nonsense.), the Warriors (with the exception of Monta) collapsed on the court, the Niners are fundamentally weak, the A's are moving to Fremont, Kobe Bryant is going to win the MVP, Orestes Destrade is getting more face time than Peter Gammons, I need to do my laundry, pay my taxes and invest in some household paper products but with diesel stroking me over a barrel to the tune of $4.25 a gallon, or $75 a fill up, I can't afford paper towels, or my preferred 2-ply Charmin ultra soft luxury liner toilet tissue.

I tried a coffee shop to numb the brain. Nice people, good prices, live music, delicious lemon bars. It worked for two consecutive days but then what? I need sport! Where is it? Don't tell me about playoff basketball. I would rather dig out my old MS-DOS computer and play wheel of fortune. Man vs. machine, good vs. evil, Vanna White's pixelated tits, a human struggle.

Unless something shifts, I'm headed towards a Limbaugh lifestyle. Horse sized doses of Oxy-Contin, turquoise inflatable rafts, Hawaiian Tropic, Cubans the size of your forearm and my iridescently-clad fruit bowl clearly stating my cultural indifference. No more yuppies, no more teeny boppers, no more fat people. I don't care about your petty psychological needs. I don't care what your boyfriend said to so-and-so, or how many lbs you've lost on your new diet, or what's in your 401k. I don't care how hard you studied for your fourth period chemistry test. I don't care if you're on your period. Fuck off and find your own pool, I live alone.


Monday, April 14, 2008

Exclusive ESPN Report: Network Still Licking NFL's Plumbasket

ESPN News Services

ESPN reports that ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, will announce tomorrow, on ESPN the Tuesday, that the network will still be airing National Football League games in 2008.

Stay tuned for 24-hour coverage of ESPN/NFL schedule-release analysis beginning at midnight, on ESPN's 66-platform network of networks.

ESPN's Bob Ley reports that tomorrow,'s featured comment will stay: 'WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH' for the duration of ESPN the Tuesday.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

A Thorough Bending Over

It took us a while to get over the non-gimmick, non-image philosophy over at Fire Joe Morgan, but we've cautiously made the turn. It's a little scary to read a blog that gets by on just solid content alone.

The fact that one of the head writers is Mose Shrute however is just a beat-tastic plus.

Go take a look at how FMJ spatula whips some sense into an "old school" baseball mind. Or should I say quote, unquote old school?

Heady Days
[Fire Joe Morgan]

Friday, April 11, 2008

Crisp, Cool, Clean-cut Laughs

We've been in a bit of a Kenji Johjima-esque funk lately, for that we apologize. We've been posting more often at our sister blog -- which happens to be 100% SF Giants related in content -- more often the last month but we're sure LBMS is in for a fresh infusion as the temp. gets hotter.

And by that we mean we'll be whipping the Locomotive to speed up his conveyor belt to get you more burlesque tales of sport as typed from the back-corner of a Peet's coffee house with one hand down his pants and the other one giving his balls as a high five.

But for right this moment, try not laughing out loud to this ensemble of furries mascot miscalculations.
See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Super Nintendo Chalmers Delights the School Children

Jittery stone-fingered free throw attempts in crunch time. Way off the top of the backboard bank shots as the clock shot expires. Fast break after fast break in the closing minutes. And as good of a tying bucket as has been in recent memory.

What a contest!

Oh, and go here if you want to relive the final five minutes another five times or so.

Monday, March 17, 2008

I'm A Free Born Man of the USA

We realize we're pretty lazy right now when it comes to getting posts up, so here: how about a 24-footer to win the Arnie Invitational by Eldrick, who has now won all 5 tournaments he's entered this year*.

Oh yeah, it's St. Patrick's Day so go drink a green beer and listen to some Pogues.

*This is getting out of hand. Let's make this guy drink a few boilermakers before each hole to even things up a bit. At this rate, Mickelson's sports bra company is never going get off the ground if he's unable to get any limelight.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Bruce Bowen Will Take Candy From Your Baby and Gouge It in the Eye With It

Proponents of defense in the media love this dirty motherfucker. Players, we'd imagine, want to stab him in the temple.

Imagine this guy runnin' loose in the WNBA? He'd be cookin' boston pancakes, tying Cincinnati bowties, and heating up Alabama hot pockets on those poor, defenseless players. Disgusting.

It's a damn shame that no one in the Association can throw a decent punch. I guess we'll just have to root for a Carmelo bitch slap or Van Gundy ankle tug to teach this guy his lesson.

Thanks to With Leather for vid.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

USC Will Not Retire Lil' Romeo's Number

LOS ANGELES -- University of Southern California athletic director Michael Garrett announced Tuesday that incoming basketball recruit Percy "Lil' Romeo" Miller will not, under any circumstances, have his jersey hung from the rafters at the Galen Center.

"Even if the kid were to make me say 'uhhh na na na na,'" Garrett said. "His projected 1 point and 2 turnover per game output would not get his number close to qualifying for retirement."

The proclomation came on the heels of North Carolina announcing that its All-American junior forward Tyler Hansbrough's number is set to be retired at the conclusion of the "bug-eyed bulldog's" collegiate career.

"It may seem premature, but it needs to be known," Garrett added. "So my advice to the Snickelodeon lobby is to lay off myself and our entire athletic department."

Miller was performing a concert for the Girl Scouts of America at press time, and could not be reached for comment.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Quarterback Green Returns to Rams, Will Share 'Locker room' With Broccoli

ST. LOUIS -- Oft-concussed veteran quarterback Trent Green signed a three-year deal to return to play for the St. Louis Rams Monday.

Green was informed by coach Scott Linehan that the contract is valid only under the conditions that the 37-year-old dress in the team's locker room "annex".

"Greeny won't ever be invited in with the team or out onto the field, per se," Linehan said. "Rather he'll need to remain in the kitchen next to the cabbage."

Linehan also added that out of respect to opposing defender's knees, and Green's capacity to live, the former Pro Bowl slinger will be kept refigerated along with the other edible parts of plants.

"Drrdsa jghhe jee hh eiwepp," Green stated. "Gsdjk."

Friday, March 7, 2008

The Most Anticipated Sunday

We aren't talking about the Super Bowl.

Nor Selection Sunday on the 16th.

That's right Herc and Carver... we are talking about the series finale of The Wire.

David Simon, Ed Burns and some of the other main writers penned a great piece for TIME about America's war on drugs. Highly recommended reading.

Also, if you're looking for thoughtful and analytical discussion on the show, here are some breeding grounds for provocative thought:

Heaven and Here (written by Free Darko's Bethlehem Shoals and several other contributors)

The House Next Door (Extremely in-depth Wire entries written primarily by Time Out New York television critic Andrew Johnston)

Tim Goodman's Blog (The SF Chronicler's episode deconstructions are always an enjoyable read)

Only 53 more hours for us West Coasters until launch!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Red Hawk Down (And Bleeding From the Nostrils)

PGA Tour "player" Tripp Isenhour, against his caddy's advice, left his musket in the bag and went with the lob wedge to nail a protected migratory bird from 75 yards out while filming an instructional golf video.

But don't worry PETA, the skull-crushing sticksman has the situation rectified:

Isenhour said his family has adopted three cats from a local shelter.

Man, this guy is even better than a Sour Warhead-stuffed, ADD-riddled elementary school kid at conflict resolution.

Let's go ahead and get this Tripp fellow a neon orange jacket and drop him at ol' Ted Nugent's ranch to test his merits in his natural sport. Because with two missed cuts out of three Nationwide tour events, Isenhour would be better off putting with a cannon than his flat stick.

Isenhour, charged with killing bird, says 'I am an animal lover'

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Spring Chickens Begin Springing Out Of Offseason Eggs

Camp games are underway in Florida and Arizona, and our whistle for the cowhide has officially begun to moisten.

As pictured above, P Diddy -- sans gun -- was in uniform for the Mets, who bageled the Cardinals 7-0; The Giants were doubled up by the Cubbies, as Kevin Correia got truly goatcreamed; and the Sawwwwxx looked facking ferocious against stiff opposition.

A gaggle of other games, monitored for fantasy purposes, went down as well: Ryan Howard, Braun, and Granderson each went yard; Joe Blanton got lit.

All in all, we're sure an absolutely great day for fans collecting skin cancer baskin' in it down at their respective team's camps.

Full Scoreboard

How Do You Say Boom Shakalaka in French?

Not sure which is better: the save, or the headless dombroski dance that follows.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

We're The Brews, Sportin' Anti-Swastika Tattoos

A Coloradoan Jewish school's basketball team may have to forfeit the regional championship game due to the contest's scheduling conflict with Sabbath.

Herzl/Rocky Mountain Hebrew Academy's boys team could be headed for a regional championship on Saturday, March 8, if it wins one more game Thursday. But the Denver school's religious beliefs prohibit students from playing on the Jewish Sabbath between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday.

What is viewed as a problem for many, is actually a blessing for the dual-sported athletes at the Hebrew Academy who, by forfeiting Saturday, would be able to rest their wrists for the more heralded State Dreidel Spin-off scheduled for Sunday.

Sabbath conflict may stop Colo. Jewish school's playoff run
[USA Today]

Slogan It Out, Pt. III

Rapid Fire, presented by Stephen Jackson

♠ Cards manager Tony LaRussa announced Tuesday that he will continue last year's second-half trend of batting his pitchers eighth in the order. LaRussa later added that he will be extending his "scotch inning" from batting practice through the seventh.

♠ Patriots running back Kevin Faulk was cited for marijuana possession at a Lil Wayne concert in Lewsyanna last Friday. We knew LSU's all-time rushing leader wasn't the most elusive of backs, but wow, that's like getting tackled by the punter who tore his hamstring on the kick.

♠ And sometimes we just have to let THE ONION speak for us: 'Cupcake Used in NBA Slam-Dunk Contest Inducted Into Cupcake Hall of Fame.'

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

High School: The Amuse-icle

An Oregonian prep hoops tandem executes the ol' full-court bounce pass alley-oop.

Thanks to The Big Lead for the vid.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Has Your Runs Output Been Arrested? Call Bonds, Man

Whispers have been heard from several MLB teams (most recently Tampa) contemplating the possibility of rickshawing in Barry Bonds for the 2008 campaign. After all, it's pretty tough not to mull over the notion of bringing in one of the game's all-time greats to play for your team, and awkwardly cross-dress at your spring camp.

As any man who truly loves his profession would do, Barry will work for anyone with a checkbook. Yep, #24's godson has expressed interest in participating in Viking Warrior playing baseball in Japan.

However this ends up... whether Barry's clearing fences for wrinkly-balled narcoleptics, or tiny balled martial arts enthusiasts, it'll be good for baseball.

And don't worry Japan, although his head and temper are giant, and his backne may resemble a scaley, reptilian epidermis, he will not engulf you in flames.

Rays have discussions about Bonds
Blackballed Bonds has eye on Japan [Metro Times]

The More You Know...

Did you know that Krzyzewski is pronounced 'Jejevski,' not 'Sheshefski?' Thanks to John Feinstein's A March to Madness, now you do! Ba da dum da dum dum da da da dum.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Lasorda Back to Buffet, Dugout

Hall of fame skipper /Vladimir Guerrero bat magnet Tommy Lasorda is returning to the dugout. Yep, the ol' chubster will be leading the Dodgers into exhibitionist battle for eight split-squad games in Florida this March.

The move is win-win for both the Los Angeles organization and coach: LA is looking to improve its spring training record, and Tommy is looking to consume his weight in post-game spread baco bits.

Lasorda back on bench, briefly [CNNSI]

That Guy's Gonna Need a Shot and a Beer

It doesn't get any more romantic than proposing marriage at half-court.
Video courtesy College Humor

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Tejada Denies Even Drafting Mitchell to Fantasy Football Team

KISSIMMEE, Fla -- Houston Astros slugging shortstop Miguel Tejada told reporters Tuesday that not only could he not discuss questions about the Mitchell Report, but that his lawyers have even advised him to steer clear of confirming whether Scott Mitchell was on his fantasy football team, 'Miggy Pops,' in 1995.

"Tejada smells guilty to me," ESPN fantasy writer Eric Karabell said. "Mitchell passed for over 4,300 yards and 32 touchdowns in '95. Why he would deny that just doesn't make too much sense to me and my ilk."

Tejada emphasized to the media members in front of his locker that unlike McGwire, he does want to talk about the past, and unlike Sammy Sosa, he is able to speak English.

"I'll admit, I did have Herman Moore and [Johnnie] Morton that year," Tejada said. "I have no comment on Mitchell."

Sunday, February 17, 2008

Rook Gets Got; Burgundy Peppers Izzo

Savvy wife-beater veteran Brett Myers and company convince rookie Kyle Kendrick he's been traded to Japan.
Ron Burdungy gets to the bottom of the Izzo/dwarf theories.

Thanks to X-Mas Ape at Deadspin for top, AA for bottom.

Thursday, February 14, 2008

An Off-Day in the Life of Jeff Van Gundy

3:35 a.m. *Screaming in sleep* That's not a foul! If a 2 can't punch a 4 in the adam's apple in the paint, this aint basketball!

7:05 a.m. *Pours coffee, takes sip, slams mug down on counter and shatters it. Wife shakes head at breakfast table.* That's a good no-call, honey.

7:55 a.m. *Reading sports section of newspaper* Wow, they really oughtta switch to 12 for a foul-out. *Attempts to turn page, shreds paper in half*

9:15 a.m. Hmm, which sports coat should I wear today? *Proceeds to hang on coats and swing to-and-fro in closet, tears down beam.*

11:20 a.m. *Doorbell rings, Mrs. JVG walks toward door to answer. JVG hip checks her into the grand piano and reaches for door knob* Now that's how you box-out!

11:21 a.m. *JVG opens door, receives package from UPS. Breaks pen while signing name, smacks driver in face with clipboard* You gotta hand it off strong in traffic.

1:05 p.m. *Watches Fever Pitch*

2:50 p.m. *Calls Mike Breen* Hey Breeny, you should check out this new tune I just discovered. It's called 'Sweet Caroline!' *Slams phone down, cracks receiver*

3:05 p.m. *Watches Never Been Kissed. Cries. Punches himself in eye with kleenex*

5:00 p.m. *Watches MMA fight* Wow, this is some strong fundamental defense. You don't see enough spine-elbowing in the Eastern Conference anymore.

6:35 p.m. *Mrs. JVG give JVG warm milk bottle, puts on 13 Going on 30.*

8:15 p.m. *JVG applies Mint-flavored Crest to brush* Hey honey, check out this great technique I use to get on top of the high-screen set by my canines! *Proceeds to knock out four teeth brushing*

8:20 p.m. *Mrs. JVG inserts syringe of horse tranquilizer to JVG's neck* Goodnight sweetie!

Sampson Wouldn't Last Two Weeks in Bawlmore

Indiana basketball coach Kelvin Sampson shows once again he's no more adept at doin' business than Prop Joe's dipshit nephew. You gotta know not to talk shop over the phone, not even with texts.

In the words of Stringer Bell, Samsonite know he gon' have to eat the charge on this one.

Come on coach, are you kidding us? Excessive text messaging to recruits? How do you think the likes of Coach K and Roy Williams have been ruling the roost so long without getting busted by MCU? Cell phones are for setting up in-person meets, tops.

Although Sampson should land on his feet, hopefully coaching at some off-brand gang school like Eastern Tennessee Tech within the next few years. We only hope if he continues to use the cell that he at least develop some type of picture messaging code, ala Vondas-Marlo.


Image via

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Leitch Will Not Be Muscled By Bristol

ESPN may have been able to pressure YouTube into pulling videos of Ron Bermandy's off-air antics, but Deadspin's Will Leitch, already having had the worldwide leader's blackball treatment, is doing a public service - he's got 'em all in one spot.

So enjoy now, or enjoy later. No pressure, no shot clock to worry about. You can go ahead and take that extra pass or that extra deux-deux-deux before watching.

Note: We like to imagine Berman doing the voice over for those VW bug "Da, da, da" ads from back in the late '90s.

Also, one of the first things you are taught in television broadcasting is to not say anything stupid when you are mic'd up, on-air or off. You will be held accountable. It's like the Schwami has never fucking worked in TV before!

ESPN Reacts To Berman Videos, Takes Them Down Off YouTube. But Worry Not.

Monday, February 11, 2008

Join Us For Jack McDuff Karaoke Hour, presented by Moonshine

When we first heard of the four-letter's Ultimate Highlight "tournament" we were initially excited. The fact that JFC Berman would be hosting wouldn't stand in between us, and mild enjoyment.

Upon watching, however, we soon tried to comprehend why the original (classic) radio calls weren't being heard, but rather Berman making up his own voiced-over renditions!

To quote the man himself: Jesus Fucking Christ.

This is precisely the type of instance about which we've been known to sing "Hot Barbecue."

One tiny step for text-message spawned voting, one large step for Kige Ramsey becoming our sole faucet for sporting news and information.