Has Your Runs Output Been Arrested? Call Bonds, Man

Whispers have been heard from several MLB teams (most recently Tampa) contemplating the possibility of rickshawing in Barry Bonds for the 2008 campaign. After all, it's pretty tough not to mull over the notion of bringing in one of the game's all-time greats to play for your team, and awkwardly cross-dress at your spring camp.

As any man who truly loves his profession would do, Barry will work for anyone with a checkbook. Yep, #24's godson has expressed interest in participating in Viking Warrior playing baseball in Japan.

However this ends up... whether Barry's clearing fences for wrinkly-balled narcoleptics, or tiny balled martial arts enthusiasts, it'll be good for baseball.

And don't worry Japan, although his head and temper are giant, and his backne may resemble a scaley, reptilian epidermis, he will not engulf you in flames.

Rays have discussions about Bonds [CNNSI]
Blackballed Bonds has eye on Japan [Metro Times]

Paula Abdul Faces Heap Of Legal Hot Potatoes

Barry Bonds was indicted Thursday by a federal grand jury on charges of perjury and obstruction of justice.

But Barry is not to be blamed, mind you. After all, his testimonial predecessors milked all the effective truth-thwarting mechanisms dry: McGwire used the power of vaginitis, Sosa the power of lingual amnesia, and hell, Palmeiro just needed to use steroids to get a rise out of his wet noodle.

Bonds was unfairly backed into a corner here, and now the federal government is taking advantage of a shriveling hardball icon. It's the equivalent of corporally punishing a preschooler or throwing a toaster into a senior's sponge bath.

Well, at least now we won't have to watch Barry don another club's uniform next season. As the old saying goes, 'it's better to have him in horizontal stripes than pinstripes.'

Bonds indicted on perjury, obstruction of justice charges [SF Chronicle]

The Death of Death Row

Ed. Note: Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from bathroom stall A at his real estate office in Santa Cruz, CA. Here, we present his initial offering:

Watching Bonds' final game in a Giants uni was the first televised funeral I've seen since they buried 2Pac. Unfortunately, Barry's funeral didn't offer any real chance for televised reprisal killings or represent the end of something anyone still valued. More on par with Suge Knight's incarceration sentencing than Pac's memorial, Bonds' last game signaled the removal of an overweight, over-entitled, washed-up thug tactician whose domination of the industry had clearly (pun intended) washed up long ago.

So long and thanks for all the IBBs

Thank you Barry. Thank you for keeping the Giants in San Francisco, and for the glorious shrine to baseball that is Pac Bell Park. Thank you for your 586 home runs, +.300 batting average, and Ruthian OPS.

Thank you for your five MVP seasons. For winning Jeff Kent the award in 2000 and then holding back on snapping his neck two years later in the dugout.

Thank you for our four playoff berths (and the 103 win-season reem job in '93). For saying fuck you to your critics and hitting four bombs while batting .471 in the travesty that was the '02 Series.

Thanks for keeping 'The Next Episode' constantly embalmed in our domes with each and every walk-up to the box. For single-handedly blossoming the rubber chicken industry, and allowing New Era to churn out record profits as the size of your hat/head continued to "mature."

Thank you for everything Barry. Have a pleasant chariot ride to Cooperstown. Now please, just let us fucking rebuild already.

Here are two very fine pieces on how the fanbase feels: San Francisco's Bonds, Mixed Emotions