Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Orioles Designated Hitter Is In The Game
Aubrey Huff recently revealed, in a satellite radio interview, (1) his distaste for his employer's city, (2) his affinity for dolphin flogging, and (3) the countless bodies he has laid waste to during his stint in Bodymore.
The former opinion seems to be a common one, held by the likes of Jimmy McNulty, Mayor Carcetti, Bubbles, and every other person sucked into urban decay by the vacuum of inner city hopelessness. The latter admission, scoffed at by more discreet body snatchers such as the Marlo Stanfield drug empire. As for the second, only Mother Theresa and Michael Moore don't list that as a hobby.
All of this hating on Baltimore coming from a (slightly above) average MLB infielder begs the question: how long would Huff last on the streets of Murdaland, USA without his Orioles contract? And what would his itinerary look like? Why, we're glad you asked.
8:15 a.m. Get hired as foot patrolman in West Baltimore for the BPD.
8:28 a.m. Masturbate in back alley.
9:24 a.m. Steal two rolls of toilet paper and a t-shirt from Bubble's Depot.
10:15 a.m. Hear "Farmer in the Dell" tune being whistled. Duck under car when you realize it's Omar and his sawed-off shotgun coming.
10:16 a.m. Masturbate under car.
11:05 a.m. Head back to station for lunch break.
11:06 a.m. Get fired for ejaculating into breakroom coffee pot.
11:44 a.m. Head down to the high rises. Score "lookout" gig for a Stanfield corner crew.
12:05 p.m. Sip on brown-bagged malt liquor, yell "5-0" when a police car rolls through street.
12:07 p.m. Attempt to masturbate 50 times in the next 50 minutes.
12:58 p.m. Mock black gentleman wearing glasses with suit and bow tie sitting on park bench reading The Nation.
12:58 p.m. Become acquainted with Brother Mouzone via bullet-in-the-knee handshake.
12:59 p.m. Stop the bleeding by ejaculating into gunshot wound.
1:15 p.m. Score capsule of "WMDs" from corner slanger to ease pain.
1:44 p.m. Wander through streets of West Baltimore, tripping balls.
1:49 p.m. Get hit by stop-sign running SUV driven by Donut.
1:50 p.m. Masturbate.
1:51 p.m. Perish.
4:55 p.m. Have corpse transfered to vacant by Chris Partlow and Snoop. Get nailed in for eternal rest.
Needless to say, we're quite excited we now have less than two months until The Wire returns for its fifth and final installment!