Monday, March 17, 2008

I'm A Free Born Man of the USA

We realize we're pretty lazy right now when it comes to getting posts up, so here: how about a 24-footer to win the Arnie Invitational by Eldrick, who has now won all 5 tournaments he's entered this year*.

Oh yeah, it's St. Patrick's Day so go drink a green beer and listen to some Pogues.

*This is getting out of hand. Let's make this guy drink a few boilermakers before each hole to even things up a bit. At this rate, Mickelson's sports bra company is never going get off the ground if he's unable to get any limelight.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Bruce Bowen Will Take Candy From Your Baby and Gouge It in the Eye With It

Proponents of defense in the media love this dirty motherfucker. Players, we'd imagine, want to stab him in the temple.

Imagine this guy runnin' loose in the WNBA? He'd be cookin' boston pancakes, tying Cincinnati bowties, and heating up Alabama hot pockets on those poor, defenseless players. Disgusting.

It's a damn shame that no one in the Association can throw a decent punch. I guess we'll just have to root for a Carmelo bitch slap or Van Gundy ankle tug to teach this guy his lesson.

Thanks to With Leather for vid.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

USC Will Not Retire Lil' Romeo's Number

LOS ANGELES -- University of Southern California athletic director Michael Garrett announced Tuesday that incoming basketball recruit Percy "Lil' Romeo" Miller will not, under any circumstances, have his jersey hung from the rafters at the Galen Center.

"Even if the kid were to make me say 'uhhh na na na na,'" Garrett said. "His projected 1 point and 2 turnover per game output would not get his number close to qualifying for retirement."

The proclomation came on the heels of North Carolina announcing that its All-American junior forward Tyler Hansbrough's number is set to be retired at the conclusion of the "bug-eyed bulldog's" collegiate career.

"It may seem premature, but it needs to be known," Garrett added. "So my advice to the Snickelodeon lobby is to lay off myself and our entire athletic department."

Miller was performing a concert for the Girl Scouts of America at press time, and could not be reached for comment.

Monday, March 10, 2008

Quarterback Green Returns to Rams, Will Share 'Locker room' With Broccoli

ST. LOUIS -- Oft-concussed veteran quarterback Trent Green signed a three-year deal to return to play for the St. Louis Rams Monday.

Green was informed by coach Scott Linehan that the contract is valid only under the conditions that the 37-year-old dress in the team's locker room "annex".

"Greeny won't ever be invited in with the team or out onto the field, per se," Linehan said. "Rather he'll need to remain in the kitchen next to the cabbage."

Linehan also added that out of respect to opposing defender's knees, and Green's capacity to live, the former Pro Bowl slinger will be kept refigerated along with the other edible parts of plants.

"Drrdsa jghhe jee hh eiwepp," Green stated. "Gsdjk."

Friday, March 7, 2008

The Most Anticipated Sunday

We aren't talking about the Super Bowl.

Nor Selection Sunday on the 16th.

That's right Herc and Carver... we are talking about the series finale of The Wire.

David Simon, Ed Burns and some of the other main writers penned a great piece for TIME about America's war on drugs. Highly recommended reading.

Also, if you're looking for thoughtful and analytical discussion on the show, here are some breeding grounds for provocative thought:

Heaven and Here (written by Free Darko's Bethlehem Shoals and several other contributors)

The House Next Door (Extremely in-depth Wire entries written primarily by Time Out New York television critic Andrew Johnston)

Tim Goodman's Blog (The SF Chronicler's episode deconstructions are always an enjoyable read)

Only 53 more hours for us West Coasters until launch!

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Red Hawk Down (And Bleeding From the Nostrils)

PGA Tour "player" Tripp Isenhour, against his caddy's advice, left his musket in the bag and went with the lob wedge to nail a protected migratory bird from 75 yards out while filming an instructional golf video.

But don't worry PETA, the skull-crushing sticksman has the situation rectified:

Isenhour said his family has adopted three cats from a local shelter.

Man, this guy is even better than a Sour Warhead-stuffed, ADD-riddled elementary school kid at conflict resolution.

Let's go ahead and get this Tripp fellow a neon orange jacket and drop him at ol' Ted Nugent's ranch to test his merits in his natural sport. Because with two missed cuts out of three Nationwide tour events, Isenhour would be better off putting with a cannon than his flat stick.

Isenhour, charged with killing bird, says 'I am an animal lover'