Regrets From the War Room

Players we should have drafted in the first-round last August instead of Willie Parker:
Brian Westbrook, Willis McGahee, any NFL player with a pulse, the blind kid from Dumb and Dumber who bought a duct-taped Petey, and this guy...

















Oh, and that cat.

Eagles OT Runyan Advises Westbrook to Biff, Wins Fantasy Matchup

PHILADELPHIA -- Jon Runyan was having a good day on the field Sunday, and a real nailbiter off of it. With his real team all but assured victory over rival Dallas, but his fantasy team holding on by the slimmest of margins, Runyan had to take matters into his own hands to ensure a fantasy Super Bowl appearance.

"I was going up against the guy with Westbrook," Runyan said. "Since Brady fucked the dog for me against the Jets I couldn't afford to have Westbrook get in the zone on our last drive. I was only up [by] five points."

Fortunately for the lineman's fantasy squad, RunyanDMC, Westbrook obeyed his large blocker and hit the turf just shy of the goal line in the game's closing minutes.

"After years of having my team choke in the playoffs, I finally had to step in and help myself," Runyan said. "I told Brian I owe him a rack of barbecue spare ribs for the favor."

RunyanDMC is set to square off against Mr. Dad-gorium's Drug Emporium, managed by Britt Reid, for the league championship week 16.

"With that little weasel now clear-headed behind bars and off the brownstone," Runyan added. "I've got my work cut out for me."

Lavender Lucifer Pitchforks Fantasy Opposition

"Boom, baby!"

*Full-body fist pump*

"The Molester strikes again!!"

*Celebratory goat slaying*

All four actions could be heard and felt Sunday from fantasy owners who had the gumption and initiative to pick up Minnesota's Chester Taylor.

The waiver wire withdrawal was so easy, its results so immediate, it made taking candy from a baby look like taking candy from a fucking mountain lion.

Creating 160 yards and three scores out of thin air in week 11 is a magic act not even Purple Jesus could execute. In fact, it's now becoming quite evident that the Lavender Lucifer (formerly Chester the Molester) has performed the cruelest, most sinister of all acts. And one lucky bastard in every fantasy league across America is reaping the infernal reward.

Fed up with all of Jesus' accolades, LL sent a round of mind bullets to the former-Sooner savior's knee last week at Lambeau. Now, with the goody-goody sidelined, behind the behemothy offensive line of the Vikings, LL has begun his fiery reign of satanic carnage.

Lavender Lucifer, we thank you. The playoff push is coming and we could not be more glad to have such a beezlebubbian presence aboard this starboard-facing ship.

Enjoy our souls LL, we'll certainly enjoy bathing in your possessed production.

Our Love Will Never Go Sour, It Grows More Pure With Every Hour

Plaxico Burress is a man. He's forty 30! He is Spartaaa*!

This season Burress has savagely shed the 'plexiglass' moniker he once carried and become BFF with the endzone. For us Burress owners submitting our fantasy lineup, we don't even say we're starting Burress. We just put down '15 points.' Because 90 yards and a score is the bare minimum Plax delivers.

So CBS Sportsline, don't bother putting that little medical logo next to Plax's name anymore. We know he still has the high ankle sprain. We don't give a fuck Plax isn't prackicing. We just know he'll be spiking the ball on Sunday (and no, not just after first downs when the play is still live). After touchdowns. Football touchdowns.

As a fantasy coach, this is the most dependable, healthiest relationship we've ever had with a player. We don't stay up all hours of the night worrying that Plax is yasserbossin, or who he's yasserbossin with. Because Sunday he'll be at our doorstep with our 15+ point delivery^.

Would it be cataclysmic if Plax snapped both femurs? No. Just strap him in a stretcher, have Toomer give it a push start toward the endzone, tell Eli to lob it in the stretcher's general vicinity, and we've got six...plus yardage.

*MSU, Class of 1999
^Although this Sunday, Nate Clements will be playing the role of King of Persia

Don't Getcha Popcorn Ready

FROM THE PRODUCERS THAT BROUGHT YOU PETER WARRICK, DAVID TERRELL, AND MIKE WILLIAMS

Michael Clayton (Michael Clayton) is a fantasy football "fuck-up" on one of the largest NFL teams in Florida. A former LSU standout, Clayton takes care of fantasy owners' excessive point production at the behest of the team's head coach Chucky Gruden (John Gruden). Though burned out and hardly content with his job as a FF fuck-up, his brick hands, a failed health venture and mounting zeros have left Clayton inextricably tied to the waiver wire. For his FF owners, meanwhile, the prospect of a super-.500 season rests on the ability of Clayton to string together ten or more healthy games in a year. But when Tampa Bay's brilliant and bald-headed midget quarterback PowerAlley Garcia (Jeff Garcia) throws touchdowns to tight ends, Clayton faces the biggest challenge of his career and his life: 0% ownage.

(Film synopsis edited from Rotten Tomatoes)