Monday, June 30, 2008

Country Singer Whispers Sweet Nothings in Dallas Goaltender's Earhole

File this one in the 'timely posts' section of your Carl Monday Memorial library, for we've recently come to discover that Dallas Stars backup goalie Mike Smith gave dome to a dude has a dude on his dome - and apparently it's supposed to be former Padres auditionee Garth Brooks. *Insert Brooks' song title pun and/or Brokeback joke here*

This is a special precedent Smith has set here. We can only hope it leads to Dominik Hasek stenciling a shirtless Eminem onto his old, sexually neutral red helmet when he once again pounces out of his retirement rocker.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Monday, June 23, 2008

Handicapping the College World Series Final

The championship series of the CWS begins this evening in Omaha and pits the number four regional seed Fresno State Bulldogs against the number eight national seed Georgia Bulldogs.

Picking the winner is normally a quite easy task, as the the school with the tougher mascot has won every year since 1998 (Trojans over Sun Devils; in reality, a devil will corrode the soul of even the strongest-willed warrior, but USC happened to prevail in the baseball matchup ten years ago).

But considering this year features a battle of mascots of the same breed, an anomaly that hasn't occured in the CWS's 61-year history, we'll need to analyze the logos to uproot our answer.

Fresno State (above, left) pros: Bulldog assumes a strong, wide stance and yields Popeye-calibur forearms; compensates for jowels with chiseled body; pigeon-pawed, giving it a steady center of gravity; looks like the milky cousin of that demon dog from Ghostbusters.

Georgia pros: Battle-ready intensity, complete with prototypical Bulldog underbite; razor-sharp spikes on collar; cap, although erring on the circus-tent side looks-wise, implies a more advanced baseball capacity than it's nude-domed FSU counterpart; wrinkly (savvy); bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating rabies.

Fresno State cons: Cross-eyed, mouth agape; rounded, bulbous spikes on collar; bright-white teeth, smooth face, indicators of pampering, thus lowering kennel cred.

Georgia cons: No body; apparent cauliflower ear; red, blood-like substance above collar, evidence to decapitation as reason for lack of body; bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating the dog is high.

Consensus: Even though the signs point towards a Fresno State win, we can't rule out a mascot that has chomped at opposing players in the past. Georgia in three.

Parker Becomes Second Woman to Score Basket in WNBA Game

Sunday, June 15, 2008

V(o)ulgar(is) Profits Via Vaticination

If you follow the tournament poker circuit at all you may be familiar with Haralabos Voulgaris. In his televised WPT final table from a few years back, he came across as a man with an icepick of an intellect but an arrogant douche index spiking higher than Bob Costas at a journalistic integrity convention.

Apparently though, this guy has been making a living betting NBA games the last few years and has compiled quite the statistical database to predict scoring outcomes. Henry Abbott of TrueHoop caught up with H-Voulg and discussed the man's grueling game logging, his million dollar profits, as well as his thoughts on wig-hawking Morrie-level mobster Tim Donaghy.

Very interesting read, and in the duo of interviews Voulgaris comes across as intelligent as we figured he was and, until the very last paragraph, somewhat humble.

Gambling is of no interest to me, I "gamble" on two things: poker and sports. Neither of which is actually a gamble, because my edge in both is rather large.

As is, probably, his time spent talking to pretend people on his cellphone while waiting alone outside the ropes at Vegas nightclubs.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Wait, pound is tic tac toe, right?

In tribute to the Lakers-Celtics beginning tonight and uh, Magic Johnson. And the Arrested Development movie slated for 2009.