Fear the (Well-manicured goatee) Beard

When it comes to Brian Sabean my guru tells me I shouldn't hate anyone, it gives them too much power, too much time in my head. But my guru is a pussy. I tried the Zen approach, and it failed miserably. I used to imagine Sabean as a good natured, beer league softball manager. A work-a-day guy who puts in long hours at the job to take care of business and his family. But on game nights He likes to let his proverbial hair down in the parking lot of his local rec league softball field, getting schlitzed on Coors Light and the occasional puff of reefer from his friend Bill, a freelance graphic designer.

There's an interesting mix of players on Brian's team because he's a welcoming man, as long as you have "solid league experience" and no discernible athletic gifts, you're on the team! After-all, the game's not that hard...

Abandoning my beer-league softball narrative of Sabean I have increased my understanding of the man greatly and now can only assume one of two scenarios: A) He is an aging buffoon, trying to rid himself of a festering awareness of his own mortality by signing (himself metaphorically) in the form of a steady stream of aging middle infielders who will show they world they still got it! Or B) He suffered PTSD from Bonds' retirement in 2007, inciting anterograde amnesia which has compelled him to think it is perpetually 2007...Edgar Renteria is an All-Star short-stop for the St. Louis Cardinals, Carlos Beltran (also an All-Star) just hit 33 home runs, drove in 111 and stole 23 bases, Pat Burrell hit 30 home runs, Barry Zito won 16 games, Miguel Tejada hit .296, Aaron Rowand blasted 27 home

runs...and Sabean lost his mind.

If the Giants want to win another World Series (while Tim Lincecum is alive) they have can either fire Sabean, or, save up for a time machine...

-Locomotive

Coming In At No.11... King Tut's Mummy

Brian Sabean has the patience to play chess against a corpse. Check out this Baseball America claim...

"A former eagle-eyed scout who helped build the Yankees' late-1990s dynasty, Sabean says he's committed to rebuilding San Francisco's farm system and churning out homegrown position players to match the constant stream of pitching talent the organization has produced. The Giants haven't signed a player who has developed into a homegrown all-star since drafting Will Clark with the No. 2 overall pick in 1985."

Get him out of the front office and back on the beat, please. And what is this crap about Joe Crede? Are you kidding me? Average white player if ever there was one...didn't he hit sub .250 last year?

Can't wait until 2011 when the A's new yard opens up in Fremont. Giants are more like an Elks club than a baseball team...BINGO!

-Locomotive

Top 10 Prospects: SF Giants [Baseball America]

True Life: I'm Trying to Re-sign Chili Davis, Pt. II

Chevron station in San Francisco, December 12

Brian Sabean: Hmm, so many types of fuel at the pumps these days. Which one should I get to replace my old steroid-ridden fuel that leaked out? Wait... did I remember to remember to TiVo You, Me and Dupree? Aw, rats.

*Dodgers GM Ned Colletti pulls up in his Blue Aerostar, honks horn*

Sabean: Ok, ok Coley. Gimme a second. Let's see here, $3.49? $3.59? or $3.89 for the diesel? My Miata could use that extra boost, I'll spring for the diesel. *Removes sunglasses* Diesel, I offer you five gallons for $90. Are you his agent? *Turns toward shrub planted next to pump* Ok, it's a deal. Final final. *Shakes branch*

Colletti: Quit jerking off that shrub Sabo. I need to pull in and fill up on that gas that got Schuerholtz 2.22 miles per gallon last year and makes your car prance around when you step on the accelerator.

Sabean: Okey doke. *Salutes* Remember my son, best of luck in your travels. May you live the dream of signing Bill Van Landingham's dad to a pitching deal. *Gives thumbs up*

*Sabes proceeds to insert gasoline nozzel into cigarette lighter, begins pouring*

Giants sign Rowand to five-year deal [SFgiants.com]

Updated Ed. Note: Oh, good it was only for $60 million. Not 90, as was first estimated.

Moronic Personnel Decisions? Or Jealousy Fueled Youth Dumpage

When the Lincecum for Rios trade gets approved by Sabean I’ll be loading up the family garbage with my entire Giants’ paraphernalia collection. I’ll grab the i-Pod, head down to the local mall, snag myself a Sbarro slice, some Christmas silk boxers, and a sparkling new Blue Jays hat.

I can’t watch any more if Lincecum is gone. The dream is dead.

I will, however, get some encouragement if this trade goes through. It will validate my front office-back door Magowan/Sabean love affair theory.

Why do you think Magowan sits in the front row instead of the owner’s box? To be one with the fans? No, he’s trying to guard against the easy association that can be made from “GM and owner, owners box, San Francisco, long term deals”…the silver lining is Sabes chillin' solo in the box behind his Oakleys, ogling Petey Mag’s whispy blonde locks.

More proof: Sabes trades any player under thirty and only signs players in their forties…why? Because he doesn’t want Magowan to get a wandering eye. Even in the Schmidt trade, the best trade of Sabean’s career, handsome youngsters were shipped off for one of the weirdest looking eggheads in baseball.

Joe Nathan? Get him out of here. We’ll take the junkyard loudmouth A.J. Pierzynski. No threat there.

Into this treacherous love fest scenario comes shining Timmy Lincecum. He’s young, bouncy, bendable, and now he’s on his way to freeze his ass off in Canada and the American League, far away from the clutches of Magowan’s bewitching charm. So long Timmy, bye-bye. (Ed. Note: Fortunately, Lincecum made it safely through the winter meetings in black and orange, and appears safe in the City. For now. *Knock on Sabes' head*)

-Locomotive

True Life: I'm Trying to Re-sign Chili Davis

Embassy Suites lobby. Nashville, Tennessee on Day 1 of MLB Winter Meetings

Brian Sabean: What do you mean my room isn't ready?

Receptionist: Sir, we were a little short staffed this morning. We're terribly sorry. If you wait just five minutes we will upgrade you to the master suite. Your stay will be complimentary.

Sabean: *Dazing off into space* Huh? No I'm not going to wait five minutes. Just give me my room key.

Receptionist: Sir, the only room available right now is our Amish villa. It is a converted outhouse from the 1800s with urine-stained walls.

Sabean: It's lasted for over two decades? Perfect, that's how you know it's a stable, savvy room. I'll take it.

Receptionist: Sir, in just one moment the master suite will be...

Sabean: Chh, chh, chh. Gimme the porta-john key and tell me which dotted line to sign on.

Receptionist: *Rolls eyes* Ok sir, if you insist.

Brian Cashman emerges from elevator.

Cashman: Hey Bri, how's it hanging ol' chum. Wanna do a few carbombs at the bar?

Sabean: Actually, Terry Ryan invited me to smoke some angeldust back in his room and talk a little shop.

Cashman: Nonsense Saby baby. I think you're the best GM around. I'd like to learn a few of your tricks, you dirty wise ol' owl. Come on I'll buy you some drinks.

3/4 of a Zima later...

Cashman: Come on, Lincecum and Zito only got twenty victories for you last year. They're just not winners, Bri. Matsui won almost 100 games with us. You're getting five times the value.

Sabean: But Lord Magowan said I'm not supposed to trade Timmy or Barry.

Cashman: Pshhhhh. Neither that buck-toothed preteen nor the pink furry can speak Japanese like my man 'Deki. Sabes, you know you have the yellow fever. Remember how quickly you shred through those Chinese finger traps?

Sabean: *Knods giddily*

Cashman: I'll tell you what, I'll let you keep Zito. You just give me Lincecum, and I'll give you Matsui, his wheelchair, and a carton of colorfully-woven finger traps.

Sabean: Gee, I still don't know, Cash.

One Bartles & Jaymes later...

Sabean: Ok, Ok. You can have Lincecum and I'll throw in Matt Cain as well. But you have to give me cash considerations and Kyle Farnsworth.

Shake hands.

Cashman: No take backs! *Runs out of bar*

*Bellhop enters*

Bellhop: Sir, your master suite is ready.

Sabean: Nice try. I already signed a one-year lease in the dumpster by the highway.

Welcome To The Machine, Carney

The San Francisco Giants hired Carney Lansford as their new hitting coach Thursday. Lansford, a former batting champion and five-time All-Star is indeed quite the upgrade to Joe Lefebvre and his inspiring .258 lifetime mark.

Initially, the news of Sabean making a competent personnel move came as a shock. But upon further inspection we realized Sabes thought he was signing Lansford as his starting third baseman. After all, G-men fans are no longer in awe of our general manager's mystifying ability to put crustaceans on the diamond and make big-time talent vanish into thin air the Metrodome.

B.S. Factoid of the Day: Brian Sabean once won a goldfish at a carnival game, but insisted on paying the vendor with a first-round pick.