Friday, September 30, 2011

Fear the (Well-manicured goatee) Beard

When it comes to Brian Sabean my guru tells me I shouldn't hate anyone, it gives them too much power, too much time in my head. But my guru is a pussy. I tried the Zen approach, and it failed miserably. I used to imagine Sabean as a good natured, beer league softball manager. A work-a-day guy who puts in long hours at the job to take care of business and his family. But on game nights He likes to let his proverbial hair down in the parking lot of his local rec league softball field, getting schlitzed on Coors Light and the occasional puff of reefer from his friend Bill, a freelance graphic designer.

There's an interesting mix of players on Brian's team because he's a welcoming man, as long as you have "solid league experience" and no discernible athletic gifts, you're on the team! After-all, the game's not that hard...

Abandoning my beer-league softball narrative of Sabean I have increased my understanding of the man greatly and now can only assume one of two scenarios: A) He is an aging buffoon, trying to rid himself of a festering awareness of his own mortality by signing (himself metaphorically) in the form of a steady stream of aging middle infielders who will show they world they still got it! Or B) He suffered PTSD from Bonds' retirement in 2007, inciting anterograde amnesia which has compelled him to think it is perpetually 2007...Edgar Renteria is an All-Star short-stop for the St. Louis Cardinals, Carlos Beltran (also an All-Star) just hit 33 home runs, drove in 111 and stole 23 bases, Pat Burrell hit 30 home runs, Barry Zito won 16 games, Miguel Tejada hit .296, Aaron Rowand blasted 27 home
runs...and Sabean lost his mind.

If the Giants want to win another World Series (while Tim Lincecum is alive) they have can either fire Sabean, or, save up for a time machine...