Things To Do In Denver When Driving Krunk

Since we're feeling a little frisky tonight, we thought we'd pull some NBA playoff predictions out of the bottom of this wild turkey. Literally, these picks were retrieved from the gullet of a bucking bird, scribed on tiny, fortune-cookie sized slips. Here are the first couple matchups:

1. LA Lakers vs. 8. Denver Nuggets
If I'm George Karl, I'm replacing my dancers with 12 young women who look like this. And then I'm ordering my opponent son to helm the wheel of Melo's Mercedes. Then I'm going to masturbate furiously in the locker room before each and every game, project my essense on the team whiteboard, and hope the jizm resembles a new, creative, gameplan with which to not get swept.

Denver is spunky and they've got the talent to win a few games in this series. However if Karl doesn't follow those above-mentioned steps to the tee, they don't make it to next weekend (game two). Lakers in five.

2. New Orleans Hornets vs. 7. Dallas Mavericks
Earlier this year we wagered a friend $1,000 that 49ers behemoth Patrick Willis was headed for Canton. We'd be willing to place a bet of the same stakes that Chris "Basket" Paul is on his way to Springfield, or wherever the NBA hall happens to be. He's phenomenal. He could take four WNBA players and they'd give any five the Special Olympic squad throws on the court a run for their money.

Can't pick against Dallas here though. Just can't. Want to. Can't. Don't want to see Cuban's manzere strap jostling loose of his shirt-jersey from a DDR-esque celebration after a Hornets missed crunch-time free throw. But that was too easy to picture. Mavs in seven.

More predictions coming before the playoffs begin, we would assume.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: There Will Be Blood Edition

*Potential spoiler alert for those who haven't seen the film.*

We have avoided Around the Horn and most Sportscenter Super Bowl updates the past couple weeks, and as a result are feeling fresh going into the large contest in Glendale this Sunday. Since there is only one game for us to handicap, and we're hoping that the game will parallel P.T. Anderson's superb picture, we'll try to synch up some lines from the film and where they will apply on the field at UoP stadium. (And it really isn't too far of a stretch to envision Belichick as Daniel Plainview, or Manning as Eli Sunday.) Needless to say, we're hoping for a 60-minute, empire-building rivalry betwixt the two, ending in a bowling alley blood bath the Patriots not convulsing like Merriman at midfield.

*Peyton Sunday tips Belichick on the Giants gameplan*

Belichick (upon discovering Arizona Cardinals sweatshirt-turned jizzrag found on sidelines): What is this? Why don't I own this?

Belichick (after Eli conducts a 20-yard drive resulting in a Tynes missed FG): That was one goddamn helluva show.

Eli (to Shockey, who has been furiously attempting to pump up the crowd by swinging a dead bald eagle around his head on the sidelines): Do you think God is going to come down here and save you for being stupid? He doesn't save stupid people, [Jeremy].

Belichick (summoning the celebratory pour of fetus blood red gatorade after the win): Give me the blood, Lord!

Eli (to passafire, after overthrowing Plax by 10 yards): And as long as I have teeth, I will bite you!

Belichick (in Coughlin's ear, during post-game midfield handshake): One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

Belichick (to Eli, during post-game handshake): You're not the chosen brother, Eli. It was [Peyton] who was chosen. You see, he found me and told me about your [gameplan]. You're just a fool... I did what your brother couldn't. I broke you and I beat you. It was [Peyton] who told me about you. He's the [true product hawker].

*Eli bursts into tears*

Belichick: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You're just the afterbirth, Eli... You slithered out of your mother's filth... They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when [Peyton] was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli, but a band of sows? [This game] has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.

*Belichick beats Eli to pulp with Lombardi trophy on NFL logo at midfield, puts on Super Bowl XLII hat and smiles for camera*

Belichick: I'm done.

On that note, our pick: PATRIOTS (-12) over Giants. Enjoy the game everybody!

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Arrested Development Edition

After sandpapering off the edge of the regular season with consecutive 1-5 weeks, we were a little hesitant to get back on the gamblin' bone pony. But, last Thursday we did have the savvy to trudge through Miss Cleo's dangle-beaded door, perform cunniling exchange "services," and next thing we knew we had ourselves a perfect wildcard weekend against the spread.

Well, today we stand in a meadow during a thunderstorm, flying our aluminum kite, in hopes of shocker-ing ourselves and others with back-to-back 4-0 playoff marks.

Seahawks (+8) over PACKERS: "O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? *giggles* Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth." "We just call it a sausage."
It's pretty easy to envision Josh Brown playing the role of Mrs. Featherbottom and announcing that he just 'blue himself.' JB took a large step with his new wardrobe, and really the next logical career move is to push the envelope even further. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As good as the Seahawks looked on defense last week, we can see them winning this one outright. But we're gonna pick the Pack to edge Seattle by a slim margin, if only to delay the annual Favre retirement-talk schtick just a little longer.

Jaguars (+13.5) over PATRIOTS: "I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with 'Fuck Mountain.'"
Belichick is a man of many innovative ideas on defense. But the Jags have the ground game to munch the clock and keep this game within single digits. Now, if Billy can get Gob to loan Senior Seau his Segway for this contest, it might be a different story.

COLTS (-9) over Chargers: "Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio." "Como?" "Oh, you're gonna be in a coma alright."
"Yardstomper" Haynesworth tried to put little bitch Rivers into a coma last Sunday when he bulled through the line before the play started. We're not saying we want Philip in a coma per se, just put into his place: first on his ass, repeatedly, then home for the offseason and back to date-raping community college sorority skanks. Bob Sanders, make it happen mang.

Indy covering Sunday is the Kryptonite U-Lock Lock of the week: A healthy receiving corps for Manning with whom to shred. Norv and Rivers are both on the road, in a playoff game, with artificial crowd noise erecting the decibel meter's needle like Maebe stroking George Michael's inner thigh. And Jesus is on the Colts' side! Ding, ding, ding. It's time to double up the bank account fellows.

NY Giants (+7.5) over COWBOYS: "Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, 'Hot Ice' with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-soup... baby, I got a stew going."
Wade Phillips had to rush to the refrigerator before he could finish that last sentence. And he's gonna need a bushel of bearclaws come the fourth quarter to ease the stress of this doozy. Giants will play 'em very tough, but Big D squeaks away.

As always, if you want to go 4-0, you've gotta be swillin' the O.E. 4-0s every game. Call it the make-it-rain dance, if you will.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Flight of the Conchords Edition

We understand we haven't been picking winners at a very successful clip this season, especially last week (1-5). But it's ok, you don't need a warm house or apartment to wager. A cardboard box will do just fine to reside in as long as you're in on the god damn action. So fuck off Gary Loveman.












Packers (-8) over BEARS: "Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy."
And gamblers are attracted to games featuring the neck beard that is Kyle Orton. So go ahead and take a pull of Jack and lay your mortgage on Green Bay.

JAGUARS (-13) over Raiders: "I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard."
Jacksonville will penetrate you through a brick wall. Literally, they will plow through stone with their junk and then ram you up the ass with their running game. Only Purple Jesus and Lavender Lucifer make a better tandom than MoJo and Taylor. This year Freddy got fingered once more by the Pro Bowl and will now continue the skullfucking deep into January.

Buccaneers (-6) over 49ERS: "'The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?' 'Sounds like something a lamppost could do.'"
Last week was an abomination aberration. The Bengals are fucking terrible and we have a feeling the novelty, along with the accuracy, of Shaun Hill will rub off a little this week against a menacing D. Oh, and although a lamppost could easily handle Coach Nolan's job, it wouldn't look as sexy in a suit and tie on gameday.

Broncos (+8.5) over CHARGERS: "Item Two. A). Gig. Oh... a gig. I'm going to get you one."
Murray may be able to get Norv a show at an airport lounge or an aquarium after the Bolts gag out of the playoffs. Of course the job would consist of counting whale sperm. Not performing music, and Jesus Christ, not coaching.

CARDINALS (-10) over Falcons: "'It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.' 'More like a 'compartment.'"
Coaching prospects would rather draw up gameplans for getting Jemaine triple-digit poon in a broom closet than have anything to do with the Atlanta franchise.

BILLS (+2.5) over Giants: "'Band Agenda. Item One: Haircut Bret.' 'No. Haven't had it done.' 'Well get it cut. You don't hear about professional musicians with long hair.' 'Well, what about Led Zeppelin?' 'No, I mean a man.'"
We just hope Romo won't confuse Shockey for Jessica the next time Dallas and New York meet. I don't think that giant flag-wrapped bald eagle would appreciate the homoerotic advances.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Rushmore Edition

Bengals (-9) over 49ERS: "Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I'm not sweating it either."
The 9ers are back to being their reliably profitable selves after a quick blip against the Cards a few weeks back. Pretty much everyone on the offensive side of the ball should be sweating their jobs.

PATRIOTS (-21) over Jets: "I like your nurse's uniform, guy." "These are O.R. scrubs." "Oh, Are they?"
The line has shriveled a touch the past few days, a sign that the Jets fans' sexually-harassing chants may now be successful in ultimate consummation. Or that Gillette is going to be covered in snow. Fuck it, true sideline surgeons can lead their men to a three-score cover on a white blanket.

Seahawks (-7) over PANTHERS: "My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard."
If the iron-crusted locks of New England and Cincy stone mason you, the jolly red-nosed Dean of admissions at Seattle Community College will accept any application enclosed within a krispy kreme 12-pack.

Falcons (+12.5) over BUCS: "Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced."
Something tells us Atlanta will be playing with a bit of an ant infestation in their pants, so to speak, after getting goat-reamed by the irisless weasel Petrino.

Ravens (-3.5) over DOLPHINS: "What kind of fish?" "Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi..." "Piranhas? Really?" "Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America."
30 years from now, members of the '07 Miami team will be cracking Natty Ice's after the first victory by the league's last remaining winless team.

Titans (-3.5) over CHIEFS: "I saved Latin. What did you ever do?"
That rib-stomper Albert Haynesworth saved this defense. If you're looking to get hammered-drunk on Sunday, go ahead and take a drink every time Croyle hits the ground.

It's a raw road dog type of weekend. Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fisher. Enjoy the games everybody.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: A Fish Called Wanda Edition

BILLS (-7) over Dolphins: "We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie."
Miami is looking to go 13-0 in moral victories.

EAGLES (-3) over Giants: "He's so dumb... he thought the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived."
Little Elijah is so precious. He'll pass for four scores (to New York) and seven yards total.

BENGALS (-7) over Rams: "Nice fish, Ken. You know what Nietzsche said about animals? 'They were God's second blunder.'"
And Scott Linehan is the lord's third blunder.

49ERS (+8.5) over Vikings: "You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, and you dress really interestingly."
Something tells us Mike Nolan will pay more attention to the gameplan than to his wardrobe this week. Although that of course could still equate to a double digit loss.

BRONCOS (-6.5) over Chiefs: "I love robbing the English, they're so polite."
The Rat will have Herm bent over by the end of the first quarter and be in the tanning booth by halftime.

RAVENS (+9) over Colts: "The central message of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself'".
Ray Lewis versus Tony Dungy. An epic Christian holy war in the high heavens of Bodymore, USA. First team with a far eastern religious thought covers.

Yeah we take home teams. We pick that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Enjoy the games everybody.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Gullet Stuffing Edition

In this week's edition we provide gambling tips for each of the three Thanksgiving games, paired with our indulgences at each stage of the day. (For actual winning picks dial 1-900-FUK LBMS)

Packers (-3) over LIONS: Sipping mimosas in the nude in honor of Joe Cullen.
Not an easy decision here. On one side you've got Jesus' quarterback. On the other side, America's quarterback. Let's break this one down by edibility. The Pack are all about the cheese: gouda, provolone, string, toe, it's all in the mix. Jesus too can be eaten, via the cracker. Our match-up really comes to a standstill considering you can't really enjoy a cracker without cheese, or vice versa... Wait, Green Bay's only laying three?! Shit scratch all that prior contemplation.

COWBOYS (-14) over Jets: Finishing our third Wild Turkey rocks. 'Wow, Pennington exchanged his cooterish shoulder for a real arm? Oh, nevermind that's Kellen Clemens.'
A crate of peanut-butter chocolate Koudos bars to Mangina for that punishing defensive game plan he drew up to down Pittsburgh last week. Unfortunately for the Jets, Tony Romo can slither around a bit easier back there than Benjamin, and he'll be utilizing the national stage to juice his stats and lure the attention of the next American Idol winner.

Colts (-11.5) over FALCONS: Passing out like Mike Vanderjagt after a day of drinking funded by the pawnage of his diamond earrings.
Come on Indy, don't rail the canine like you did for much of the KC game last week. God do we hate DeAngelo Hall. Please let Reggie Wayne pearl necklace #21 for a couple of deeeeep scores.

Lastly, we leave you with Eli Roth's finest piece of work:


Happy Thanksgiving everybody.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Dr. Strangelove Edition

SOT is back, mercilessly, and this week we hope to break even.













Patriots (-16) over BUFFALO: “Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed, but I do say no more then ten to twenty million killed, tops. Depending on the breaks.”
A Brady to Moss a-bomb or two will leave a handful of men down in the Buffalo secondary. These are the minimum casualties you’ve come to expect when dealing with this year’s Pats team. Each week the point spread looks bigger, longer, and more uncut. And upon first glance at this game you think there’s no way their strongest divisional opponent will be waxed that bad at home under the lights. Then you remember the Bills are led by a man who bangs Mahjong players for egg rolls, and that Marshawn Lynch’s ankle is still a little limp.

Steelers (-9.5) over JETS: “Sir, you can't let him in here. He'll see everything. He'll see the big board!”
Mangina will need to pull out all the espionage tactics he learned under Belichick to have even a needledick of hope in this one. Unfortunately he was too busy cramming bear claw-flavored hot pockets on casual cheating Fridays during his tenure with New England. Also, if Fast Willie goes another week without breaking off a 50+ yard touchdown run we’re benching him week 12 on principle – or at least downgrading his nickname to Special Olympic-Fast Willie.

Rams (-2.5) over 49ERS: “Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.”
If this game were played a few weeks back one could’ve made the argument that neither squad even deserved to play football on a football field. But now Bulger and Jackson are healthy for St. Louis, and they should put up at least 24 points on a disappointing San Francisco defense (enough to outscore the 9ers O three games over). As much as it pains us to say it, nowadays going against the 9ers is as sure of a bet as going with the Pats, or as changing the channel when Stu Scott comes on TV.

Saints (+1) over TEXANS: “Women sense my power and they seek the life essence. I, uh... I do not avoid women, Mandrake. But I... I do deny them my essence.”
Reggie Bush and Matt Leinart had the world by the balls back at USC. Leinart has since distributed his essence, and his passes, errantly. However Bush, like General Jack D. Ripper, has denied women his essence, and now earned full membership to the Endzone Country Club. Ah, jism… the root of two young pros success disparity.

Chargers (+3) over JAGUARS: “Well, I've been to one world fair, a picnic, and a rodeo, and that's the stupidest thing I ever heard come over a set of earphones.”
That quote refers to both San Diego players’ reactions to Norv’s instructions, as well as your reaction to us picking a Norv-led battalion on the road against a stifling defense.

BENGALS (-3) over Cardinals: “Mein Führer! I can walk!”
The last time we saw Marvin Lewis on the sideline, he had a crutch and his mobility was limited. Sunday, when he is solicited to prayer circle by Chris Mullin Mrs. Warner, he will resemble a slightly less manly Marion Jones sprinting to a steroid syringe.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Super Troopers Edition

SOT may avoid picking the challenging games, but we also avoid Johnny Chimpo and the whole Afghanistanimation genre.














Colts (-3.5) over CHARGERS: "Littering aaaaand..."
This should in fact be an entertaining, marginally close game, but 3.5? Come on, this number is too small even for Norv to stay on at the blackjack table. Wayne is poised to have a big day; the Indy defense should be able to contain the Visio salesman; and Philly Rivers will be crying on the sideline by the second quarter. After collecting your winnings from this inside-the-leather putt of a cover, you can afford to let a few twenties leaf out your car window on the way home from the bar. Or invest your spoils in a bag of reefer to groom yourself for Curb Your Enthusiasm.

SEAHAWKS (-10) over 49ers: "It stinks like sex in here."
Goat sex. Both these squads are bad, but trust us we've been watching the 9ers closely and they are plenty worse. Seattle sodomized them in SF the first go-round, and there isn't much reason to think Nolan's men get within 10 on Monday night. Gore may be out yet again, allowing the chain gang optimal coma conditions while the 9ers have the ball. And Holmgren says Alexander's role is now being limited from running in quicksand on the field to running on a treadmill on the sidelines. Minimal Shaun, plus added pass attempts from Hasselbeck to a pretty good, finally healthy, receiving corps add up to an easy cover for the Gulls.

Lions (-1) over CARDINALS: "Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarrella sticks?"
What exactly is going on at these modern facilities like University of Phoenix stadium? The roof is closed but we've got some natural light shining through at goofy angles. They hang those excessivley large, flamboyant banners of the team's current motto since they don't have any division titles. It gives the vibe of watching a game being played in a shopping mall. And man, the UoP must have a hell of a football program to be getting this kind of high-class facility built for them. They've beat Notre Dame right? Anyways, throw your gambling coins in the Detroit wish fountain and go take your nephew out for some extreme fajitas at Shenanigans.

PANTHERS (-4) over Falcons: "Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer?...Do you see me eating mice?!"
Old Man Testes is in at quarterback, and he'll be ridin' dirty.

Eagles (+2.5) over REDSKINS: "Bear...bearfucker! Do you need assistance?"
We're not implying that Coach Reid is so large in stature he would need to copulate with a member of the Ursidae family. We're just a little concerned about his anally-talented children, but definitely not his x's and o's.

SAINTS (-11.5) over Rams: "...And that was the second time I got crabs."
Bush and Brees will have plenty of time to exchange tales of yore in the second half, when they are both on the sidelines with a 30-point lead.

Gratuitous leftover: "Sing it again, rookie beyotch." - Derek Anderson, after an unsatisfactorily off-key, cumgargling rendition of the 'ND Victory March' by Brady Quinn.

Enjoy the games everybody.