Shaq Sentenced to Death for Rap Song

V(o)ulgar(is) Profits Via Vaticination

If you follow the tournament poker circuit at all you may be familiar with Haralabos Voulgaris. In his televised WPT final table from a few years back, he came across as a man with an icepick of an intellect but an arrogant douche index spiking higher than Bob Costas at a journalistic integrity convention.

Apparently though, this guy has been making a living betting NBA games the last few years and has compiled quite the statistical database to predict scoring outcomes. Henry Abbott of TrueHoop caught up with H-Voulg and discussed the man's grueling game logging, his million dollar profits, as well as his thoughts on wig-hawking Morrie-level mobster Tim Donaghy.

Very interesting read, and in the duo of interviews Voulgaris comes across as intelligent as we figured he was and, until the very last paragraph, somewhat humble.

Gambling is of no interest to me, I "gamble" on two things: poker and sports. Neither of which is actually a gamble, because my edge in both is rather large.

As is, probably, his time spent talking to pretend people on his cellphone while waiting alone outside the ropes at Vegas nightclubs.

Wait, pound is tic tac toe, right?

In tribute to the Lakers-Celtics beginning tonight and uh, Magic Johnson. And the Arrested Development movie slated for 2009.

C-Brew Burned by the Flame of the Double Dragon

We missed this from a few nights ago but Corey Brewer put a nice little exclamation point to the WTF that was the Timberwolves season. Not only does he stuff himself on the breakaway dunk but he gets his rebound and misses the rim completely on a putback.


Yeah, we'd say that's the household-chore equivalent of shattering a dish and then picking up the ceramic shard and accidentally gouging out your eye.

Minnesota: Where net conservation happens.

Thanks to Basketbawful for the vid.

Things To Do In Denver When Driving Krunk

Since we're feeling a little frisky tonight, we thought we'd pull some NBA playoff predictions out of the bottom of this wild turkey. Literally, these picks were retrieved from the gullet of a bucking bird, scribed on tiny, fortune-cookie sized slips. Here are the first couple matchups:

1. LA Lakers vs. 8. Denver Nuggets
If I'm George Karl, I'm replacing my dancers with 12 young women who look like this. And then I'm ordering my opponent son to helm the wheel of Melo's Mercedes. Then I'm going to masturbate furiously in the locker room before each and every game, project my essense on the team whiteboard, and hope the jizm resembles a new, creative, gameplan with which to not get swept.

Denver is spunky and they've got the talent to win a few games in this series. However if Karl doesn't follow those above-mentioned steps to the tee, they don't make it to next weekend (game two). Lakers in five.

2. New Orleans Hornets vs. 7. Dallas Mavericks
Earlier this year we wagered a friend $1,000 that 49ers behemoth Patrick Willis was headed for Canton. We'd be willing to place a bet of the same stakes that Chris "Basket" Paul is on his way to Springfield, or wherever the NBA hall happens to be. He's phenomenal. He could take four WNBA players and they'd give any five the Special Olympic squad throws on the court a run for their money.

Can't pick against Dallas here though. Just can't. Want to. Can't. Don't want to see Cuban's manzere strap jostling loose of his shirt-jersey from a DDR-esque celebration after a Hornets missed crunch-time free throw. But that was too easy to picture. Mavs in seven.

More predictions coming before the playoffs begin, we would assume.

Please Sir, I Want Some More

The Portland TrailBlazers would like to submit a Guinness entry for shortest time between half-court alley oops.



Call it the Cal-State Stanislaus offense, call it what you will. But damn will Port be sexy with Oden and another lottery baby thrown in the mix next season.

Bruce Bowen Will Take Candy From Your Baby and Gouge It in the Eye With It

Proponents of defense in the media love this dirty motherfucker. Players, we'd imagine, want to stab him in the temple.

Imagine this guy runnin' loose in the WNBA? He'd be cookin' boston pancakes, tying Cincinnati bowties, and heating up Alabama hot pockets on those poor, defenseless players. Disgusting.

It's a damn shame that no one in the Association can throw a decent punch. I guess we'll just have to root for a Carmelo bitch slap or Van Gundy ankle tug to teach this guy his lesson.

Thanks to With Leather for vid.

Slogan It Out, Pt. III

That Guy's Gonna Need a Shot and a Beer

It doesn't get any more romantic than proposing marriage at half-court.
Video courtesy College Humor

An Off-Day in the Life of Jeff Van Gundy

3:35 a.m. *Screaming in sleep* That's not a foul! If a 2 can't punch a 4 in the adam's apple in the paint, this aint basketball!

7:05 a.m. *Pours coffee, takes sip, slams mug down on counter and shatters it. Wife shakes head at breakfast table.* That's a good no-call, honey.

7:55 a.m. *Reading sports section of newspaper* Wow, they really oughtta switch to 12 for a foul-out. *Attempts to turn page, shreds paper in half*

9:15 a.m. Hmm, which sports coat should I wear today? *Proceeds to hang on coats and swing to-and-fro in closet, tears down beam.*

11:20 a.m. *Doorbell rings, Mrs. JVG walks toward door to answer. JVG hip checks her into the grand piano and reaches for door knob* Now that's how you box-out!

11:21 a.m. *JVG opens door, receives package from UPS. Breaks pen while signing name, smacks driver in face with clipboard* You gotta hand it off strong in traffic.

1:05 p.m. *Watches Fever Pitch*

2:50 p.m. *Calls Mike Breen* Hey Breeny, you should check out this new tune I just discovered. It's called 'Sweet Caroline!' *Slams phone down, cracks receiver*

3:05 p.m. *Watches Never Been Kissed. Cries. Punches himself in eye with kleenex*

5:00 p.m. *Watches MMA fight* Wow, this is some strong fundamental defense. You don't see enough spine-elbowing in the Eastern Conference anymore.

6:35 p.m. *Mrs. JVG give JVG warm milk bottle, puts on 13 Going on 30.*

8:15 p.m. *JVG applies Mint-flavored Crest to brush* Hey honey, check out this great technique I use to get on top of the high-screen set by my canines! *Proceeds to knock out four teeth brushing*

8:20 p.m. *Mrs. JVG inserts syringe of horse tranquilizer to JVG's neck* Goodnight sweetie!

Popovich Cries Foul on Gasol Trade, Soils Diaper

Spurs head coach Greg Popovich spoke out against the Pau Gasol/Laker deal Friday. Sources say with injured French guard Tony Parker missing time, Eva Longoria has been steadily gaining influence over the coaching staff with each passing day.

No word from commissioner David Stern on the matter, nor will there ever be one.

A call was placed to the San Antonio Metro Waambulance early Saturday morning, team officials report.

Gasol trade sparks war of words [CNNSI]

Miami Tries Hand at Game Show

Kyle Korver Goes Nothin' But Net With Teenagers in da SLC

Hey Girl. You're lookin' fine. What do you say we head back to my hotel room and stroke the 3-ball. I'll even let you put your hand in my cookie jar.

What's that? Aw, nah babe I am on the team. Yeah, why don't you come over here and tug on the tiny bill of this crip beanie I got from the streets of Philly. That's g-talk for Philadephia, gorgeous.

Don't worry, these 2% wine coolers will set the mood, girl. Baby I got enough money to get drunk in Utah. I'll go grab a few cases.

Here, why don't you come over and sit on my knee, and drink the B&J straight out of the ridge of my busted nose.

Yeah, don't sweat it. I can put on the new Jonas Bros joint. Come here boo, let me cuddle you like this Spalding. Then later I'll go beyond your arc and drill you from downtown.

Hah, just kidding hun, we'll go slow. Wanna get engaged?

Scrantonicity Was His Tertiary Plan

The Dallas Mav's TV color guy Brad Davis auditioned to play the singer of the wedding band in Old School. He failed, and fortunately for us, he chose to go the sporting route:

Via AA

Our second clip comes from a Mavs-Hawks game on December 28th via Sports By Brooks. Mavs' announcer Brad Davis apparently says, "When he has to full court press and grab and hold and everything else. And it gets to a point sometimes where the referees just get tired of f**king calling fouls on them.” You be the judge!

Hey Brad! We fuckin' need ya now tonight. We fuckin' neeeed you more than ever!

Slogan It Out, Pt. II

Screw You Guys, I'm Running Into the Locker Room

Future point guards take note of the beautiful bounce pass Eddie Jones feeds to Bobby Jackson here. Anytime a no-look pass leads to an uncontested layup you know you've done something spectacular.

Grizzlies' Lowry Gets Azubuikake'd

Slogan It Out

Shaq's Errant 'Lumberg' to Garnett's Aniston

Since we are hard pressed to provide any meaningful NBA commentary, we will instead make poor and/or off-brand jokes about basketball pictures in a new feature adequately titled 'NBA Skeet.' The retroactive first edition can be seen here. As with all of our other regular features, its appearances will of course be wildly inconsistent.

It really is true what they're saying about Shaq O'Neal's game not being as sharp as it used to be. As evidenced above, he's even 90 degrees off when making his 'O' face.

Photo courtesy NBA.com

Elite Lefties Get, Give, Golden Treatment

Everybody's favorite Bay Area southpaws took in a Warriors 22-point gagging versus Detroit November 14. They were both honored with custom Golden State jerseys, unfortunately just before the photo shoot Dontrelle urinated on his. Something tells us Boom-Dizzle is gonna go ahead let D-Train keep that loaner.

Photo Courtesy NBA.com