Colts (-3.5) over CHARGERS: "Littering aaaaand..."
This should in fact be an entertaining, marginally close game, but 3.5? Come on, this number is too small even for Norv to stay on at the blackjack table. Wayne is poised to have a big day; the Indy defense should be able to contain the Visio salesman; and Philly Rivers will be crying on the sideline by the second quarter. After collecting your winnings from this inside-the-leather putt of a cover, you can afford to let a few twenties leaf out your car window on the way home from the bar. Or invest your spoils in a bag of reefer to groom yourself for Curb Your Enthusiasm.
SEAHAWKS (-10) over 49ers: "It stinks like sex in here."
Goat sex. Both these squads are bad, but trust us we've been watching the 9ers closely and they are plenty worse. Seattle sodomized them in SF the first go-round, and there isn't much reason to think Nolan's men get within 10 on Monday night. Gore may be out yet again, allowing the chain gang optimal coma conditions while the 9ers have the ball. And Holmgren says Alexander's role is now being limited from running in quicksand on the field to running on a treadmill on the sidelines. Minimal Shaun, plus added pass attempts from Hasselbeck to a pretty good, finally healthy, receiving corps add up to an easy cover for the Gulls.
Lions (-1) over CARDINALS: "Hey Farva, what's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy shit on the walls and the mozzarrella sticks?"
What exactly is going on at these modern facilities like University of Phoenix stadium? The roof is closed but we've got some natural light shining through at goofy angles. They hang those excessivley large, flamboyant banners of the team's current motto since they don't have any division titles. It gives the vibe of watching a game being played in a shopping mall. And man, the UoP must have a hell of a football program to be getting this kind of high-class facility built for them. They've beat Notre Dame right? Anyways, throw your gambling coins in the Detroit wish fountain and go take your nephew out for some extreme fajitas at Shenanigans.
PANTHERS (-4) over Falcons: "Do I look like a cat to you boy? Am I jumpin' around all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree? Am I drinking milk from a saucer?...Do you see me eating mice?!"
Old Man Testes is in at quarterback, and he'll be ridin' dirty.
Eagles (+2.5) over REDSKINS: "Bear...bearfucker! Do you need assistance?"
We're not implying that Coach Reid is so large in stature he would need to copulate with a member of the Ursidae family. We're just a little concerned about his anally-talented children, but definitely not his x's and o's.
SAINTS (-11.5) over Rams: "...And that was the second time I got crabs."
Bush and Brees will have plenty of time to exchange tales of yore in the second half, when they are both on the sidelines with a 30-point lead.
Gratuitous leftover: "Sing it again, rookie beyotch." - Derek Anderson, after an unsatisfactorily off-key, cumgargling rendition of the 'ND Victory March' by Brady Quinn.
Enjoy the games everybody.
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