Friday, December 21, 2007

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Flight of the Conchords Edition

We understand we haven't been picking winners at a very successful clip this season, especially last week (1-5). But it's ok, you don't need a warm house or apartment to wager. A cardboard box will do just fine to reside in as long as you're in on the god damn action. So fuck off Gary Loveman.

Packers (-8) over BEARS: "Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy."

And gamblers are attracted to games featuring the neck beard that is Kyle Orton. So go ahead and take a pull of Jack and lay your mortgage on Green Bay.

JAGUARS (-13) over Raiders: "I think you've gotta use honesty here. I mean, you know, it's always the best policy. Like the other day there was five, well, maybe there was like four really hot foreign chicks- either like Swedish or Korean- in my shop, and they were like 'Dave, we wanna have a five way with you.' I just told them, 'honestly, okay.' Then I gave it to 'em. Hard."
Jacksonville will penetrate you through a brick wall. Literally, they will plow through stone with their junk and then ram you up the ass with their running game. Only Purple Jesus and Lavender Lucifer make a better tandom than MoJo and Taylor. This year Freddy got fingered once more by the Pro Bowl and will now continue the skullfucking deep into January.

Buccaneers (-6) over 49ERS: "'The job is you have to hold up this sign and you have to make sure it points in the right direction. Now, does that sound like something you can do?' 'Sounds like something a lamppost could do.'"
Last week was an abomination aberration. The Bengals are fucking terrible and we have a feeling the novelty, along with the accuracy, of Shaun Hill will rub off a little this week against a menacing D. Oh, and although a lamppost could easily handle Coach Nolan's job, it wouldn't look as sexy in a suit and tie on gameday.

Broncos (+8.5) over CHARGERS: "Item Two. A). Gig. Oh... a gig. I'm going to get you one."
Murray may be able to get Norv a show at an airport lounge or an aquarium after the Bolts gag out of the playoffs. Of course the job would consist of counting whale sperm. Not performing music, and Jesus Christ, not coaching.

CARDINALS (-10) over Falcons: "'It's not a cleaning cupboard, it's an apartment. It's my studio apartment.' 'More like a 'compartment.'"
Coaching prospects would rather draw up gameplans for getting Jemaine triple-digit poon in a broom closet than have anything to do with the Atlanta franchise.

BILLS (+2.5) over Giants: "'Band Agenda. Item One: Haircut Bret.' 'No. Haven't had it done.' 'Well get it cut. You don't hear about professional musicians with long hair.' 'Well, what about Led Zeppelin?' 'No, I mean a man.'"
We just hope Romo won't confuse Shockey for Jessica the next time Dallas and New York meet. I don't think that giant flag-wrapped bald eagle would appreciate the homoerotic advances.

Enjoy the games everybody.

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