Junior: Oh boy, it's Christmas! I can't wait to go see what Santa brought me! Dad promised it'd be a shiny new fire truck and a Game Boy Color!
*Junior runs downstairs to check under the tree. Much to his surprise: no presents, just a note taped to his stocking.*
Robert Petrino's son;
Out of respect for you, I am letting you know, with a heavy heart, I resigned today as the Father of Your Family. This decision was not easy but was made in the best interest of me. While my desire would have been to finish out what has been a difficult life for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate your hard work on your times tables and wish the best. I will be sending you and your siblings child support in the form of one (1) Lunchables Pizza pack per week. Also, Santa Claus is not real.
*Lawyer Milloy nurtures the boy in a nearby rocking chair, crosses out 'Bobby Petrino' and writes, in red pen, 'Bastardizer.' Junior cries*