Friday, December 14, 2007

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Rushmore Edition

Bengals (-9) over 49ERS: "Oh that's great. I wrote a hit play and directed it, so I'm not sweating it either."

The 9ers are back to being their reliably profitable selves after a quick blip against the Cards a few weeks back. Pretty much everyone on the offensive side of the ball should be sweating their jobs.

PATRIOTS (-21) over Jets: "I like your nurse's uniform, guy." "These are O.R. scrubs." "Oh, Are they?"
The line has shriveled a touch the past few days, a sign that the Jets fans' sexually-harassing chants may now be successful in ultimate consummation. Or that Gillette is going to be covered in snow. Fuck it, true sideline surgeons can lead their men to a three-score cover on a white blanket.

Seahawks (-7) over PANTHERS: "My top schools where I want to apply to are Oxford and the Sorbonne. My safety's Harvard."
If the iron-crusted locks of New England and Cincy stone mason you, the jolly red-nosed Dean of admissions at Seattle Community College will accept any application enclosed within a krispy kreme 12-pack.

Falcons (+12.5) over BUCS: "Kids don't like it when their parents get divorced."
Something tells us Atlanta will be playing with a bit of an ant infestation in their pants, so to speak, after getting goat-reamed by the irisless weasel Petrino.

Ravens (-3.5) over DOLPHINS: "What kind of fish?" "Barracuda, stingrays, electric eels, trout, hammerheads, piranha, giant squid, octopi..." "Piranhas? Really?" "Yes, I'm talking to a guy in South America."
30 years from now, members of the '07 Miami team will be cracking Natty Ice's after the first victory by the league's last remaining winless team.

Titans (-3.5) over CHIEFS: "I saved Latin. What did you ever do?"
That rib-stomper Albert Haynesworth saved this defense. If you're looking to get hammered-drunk on Sunday, go ahead and take a drink every time Croyle hits the ground.

It's a raw road dog type of weekend. Sic transit gloria. Glory fades. I'm Max Fisher. Enjoy the games everybody.

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