True Life: I'm Trying to Re-sign Chili Davis

Embassy Suites lobby. Nashville, Tennessee on Day 1 of MLB Winter Meetings

Brian Sabean: What do you mean my room isn't ready?

Receptionist: Sir, we were a little short staffed this morning. We're terribly sorry. If you wait just five minutes we will upgrade you to the master suite. Your stay will be complimentary.

Sabean: *Dazing off into space* Huh? No I'm not going to wait five minutes. Just give me my room key.

Receptionist: Sir, the only room available right now is our Amish villa. It is a converted outhouse from the 1800s with urine-stained walls.

Sabean: It's lasted for over two decades? Perfect, that's how you know it's a stable, savvy room. I'll take it.

Receptionist: Sir, in just one moment the master suite will be...

Sabean: Chh, chh, chh. Gimme the porta-john key and tell me which dotted line to sign on.

Receptionist: *Rolls eyes* Ok sir, if you insist.

Brian Cashman emerges from elevator.

Cashman: Hey Bri, how's it hanging ol' chum. Wanna do a few carbombs at the bar?

Sabean: Actually, Terry Ryan invited me to smoke some angeldust back in his room and talk a little shop.

Cashman: Nonsense Saby baby. I think you're the best GM around. I'd like to learn a few of your tricks, you dirty wise ol' owl. Come on I'll buy you some drinks.

3/4 of a Zima later...

Cashman: Come on, Lincecum and Zito only got twenty victories for you last year. They're just not winners, Bri. Matsui won almost 100 games with us. You're getting five times the value.

Sabean: But Lord Magowan said I'm not supposed to trade Timmy or Barry.

Cashman: Pshhhhh. Neither that buck-toothed preteen nor the pink furry can speak Japanese like my man 'Deki. Sabes, you know you have the yellow fever. Remember how quickly you shred through those Chinese finger traps?

Sabean: *Knods giddily*

Cashman: I'll tell you what, I'll let you keep Zito. You just give me Lincecum, and I'll give you Matsui, his wheelchair, and a carton of colorfully-woven finger traps.

Sabean: Gee, I still don't know, Cash.

One Bartles & Jaymes later...

Sabean: Ok, Ok. You can have Lincecum and I'll throw in Matt Cain as well. But you have to give me cash considerations and Kyle Farnsworth.

Shake hands.

Cashman: No take backs! *Runs out of bar*

*Bellhop enters*

Bellhop: Sir, your master suite is ready.

Sabean: Nice try. I already signed a one-year lease in the dumpster by the highway.