Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Rank and File of the National FL: Candy Edition

1. New England Patriots (13-0): Baby Ruth

The team is quickly becoming legendary. They've got the nutty, bumpy texture but are all melded together by creamy caramel/brilliant coaching. The exclusive candy bar/team that can dominate without milk/a running game.

2. Indianapolis Colts (11-2): Peanut M&Ms
Comprised of a hard outer shell and strong core, their consistent success may bore the more risk-oriented pigskin palettes.

3. Dallas Cowboys (12-1): Snickers Dark
Dark, sexy, some might say a little bitter. The franchise name has been both flashy, and reliably good in the past; and a fresh flavor injection has them back towards the top again.

4. Green Bay Packers (11-2): Chesdale chocolate cheese slices
We wouldn't be surprised with a divisional round exit/diarrhea, or a Super Bowl berth/successful melding of our two favorite food groups.

5. Seattle Seahawks (9-4): Butterfinger
It's bald, leading bite will lull you to sleep with it's efficiency, but the buttery, inconsistent innards of the receiving corps are enough to discount the Gulls from true Super Bowl contention.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-4): Cotton candy
Only a child would select the Steel Curtain for Glendale or the pink stick. They are both deceptively large and appear densely woven but they quickly disintegrate in your mouth/to the Pats.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4): Jawbreaker
The toughest of its kind. But seriously, who the fuck enjoys these guys?

8. Cleveland Browns (8-5): Kit Kat
A strong, slender, four bar offense (Anderson, Lewis, Edwards, Winslow) with ample crispiness on the defensive side. Often will leave a chocolately residue on your hands, especially when facing the possibiliy of Crennel managing a playoff game.

9. New York Giants (9-4): Junior Mints
Refreshing at first, but whether you're dealing with an indifferent little bro at the helm, or little mint chocolate frisbees, it's always a bad choice in the long run.

10. Minnesota Vikings (7-6): Rolo
Delectable taste, but you need milk/a passing offense to fully appreciate. Very promising but too much development/individual unwrapping time required. Not worth the effort this season.

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