Our Love Will Never Go Sour, It Grows More Pure With Every Hour

Plaxico Burress is a man. He's forty 30! He is Spartaaa*!

This season Burress has savagely shed the 'plexiglass' moniker he once carried and become BFF with the endzone. For us Burress owners submitting our fantasy lineup, we don't even say we're starting Burress. We just put down '15 points.' Because 90 yards and a score is the bare minimum Plax delivers.

So CBS Sportsline, don't bother putting that little medical logo next to Plax's name anymore. We know he still has the high ankle sprain. We don't give a fuck Plax isn't prackicing. We just know he'll be spiking the ball on Sunday (and no, not just after first downs when the play is still live). After touchdowns. Football touchdowns.

As a fantasy coach, this is the most dependable, healthiest relationship we've ever had with a player. We don't stay up all hours of the night worrying that Plax is yasserbossin, or who he's yasserbossin with. Because Sunday he'll be at our doorstep with our 15+ point delivery^.

Would it be cataclysmic if Plax snapped both femurs? No. Just strap him in a stretcher, have Toomer give it a push start toward the endzone, tell Eli to lob it in the stretcher's general vicinity, and we've got six...plus yardage.

*MSU, Class of 1999
^Although this Sunday, Nate Clements will be playing the role of King of Persia