Tejada Denies Even Drafting Mitchell to Fantasy Football Team

KISSIMMEE, Fla -- Houston Astros slugging shortstop Miguel Tejada told reporters Tuesday that not only could he not discuss questions about the Mitchell Report, but that his lawyers have even advised him to steer clear of confirming whether Scott Mitchell was on his fantasy football team, 'Miggy Pops,' in 1995.

"Tejada smells guilty to me," ESPN fantasy writer Eric Karabell said. "Mitchell passed for over 4,300 yards and 32 touchdowns in '95. Why he would deny that just doesn't make too much sense to me and my ilk."

Tejada emphasized to the media members in front of his locker that unlike McGwire, he does want to talk about the past, and unlike Sammy Sosa, he is able to speak English.

"I'll admit, I did have Herman Moore and [Johnnie] Morton that year," Tejada said. "I have no comment on Mitchell."

"It Moved, Jerry!"

He dragged the 2005 National League Championship trophy around the Minute Maid Park parking lot in his wood-paneled Chrysler LeBaron. He bashfully streaked down the buttress and across the diamond in a beige body suit. He stuffed his face with juicy strawberries while wearing a vintage Nolan Ryan Astros uniform. And now, he finally gets his wish.

The Lord of the Idiots, along with four other Houston players, was shipped to Baltimore Wednesday for slugging infielder Miguel Tejada.

Yep, the Jerk Store's all-time best seller is headed to Murdaland. At least we're pretty sure that's who they mean when they say Michael Costanzo.