We are the sports reporting equivalent of scrotal duct tape-peeling euthanasia. Our sources are worse than Kirk Herbstreit's. Our investigative techniques more perverse than Carl Monday's. We ride shotgun to BK drive-thrus with Joe Cullen. We are the 'shrooms that Josh Heytvelt eats, the 'Goose that Mo Clarett drinks. We will snipe your neurons, metaphorically. And dumb you down with bad metaphors, literally. Welcome to our dungeon.