Thursday, February 14, 2008

An Off-Day in the Life of Jeff Van Gundy

3:35 a.m. *Screaming in sleep* That's not a foul! If a 2 can't punch a 4 in the adam's apple in the paint, this aint basketball!

7:05 a.m. *Pours coffee, takes sip, slams mug down on counter and shatters it. Wife shakes head at breakfast table.* That's a good no-call, honey.

7:55 a.m. *Reading sports section of newspaper* Wow, they really oughtta switch to 12 for a foul-out. *Attempts to turn page, shreds paper in half*

9:15 a.m. Hmm, which sports coat should I wear today? *Proceeds to hang on coats and swing to-and-fro in closet, tears down beam.*

11:20 a.m. *Doorbell rings, Mrs. JVG walks toward door to answer. JVG hip checks her into the grand piano and reaches for door knob* Now that's how you box-out!

11:21 a.m. *JVG opens door, receives package from UPS. Breaks pen while signing name, smacks driver in face with clipboard* You gotta hand it off strong in traffic.

1:05 p.m. *Watches Fever Pitch*

2:50 p.m. *Calls Mike Breen* Hey Breeny, you should check out this new tune I just discovered. It's called 'Sweet Caroline!' *Slams phone down, cracks receiver*

3:05 p.m. *Watches Never Been Kissed. Cries. Punches himself in eye with kleenex*

5:00 p.m. *Watches MMA fight* Wow, this is some strong fundamental defense. You don't see enough spine-elbowing in the Eastern Conference anymore.

6:35 p.m. *Mrs. JVG give JVG warm milk bottle, puts on 13 Going on 30.*

8:15 p.m. *JVG applies Mint-flavored Crest to brush* Hey honey, check out this great technique I use to get on top of the high-screen set by my canines! *Proceeds to knock out four teeth brushing*

8:20 p.m. *Mrs. JVG inserts syringe of horse tranquilizer to JVG's neck* Goodnight sweetie!

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