Rodney Roy Beck Award Finalists

The end of 2007 is nearing, which means we need to put our butter gloves on and churn out a cumulative descending list or two. Blue ribbons, gold trophies, pearl necklaces... all will be handed out to those deserving, in award season here at LBMS.

Our first category is in loving honor and memory of our favorite arm swinging, fu-manchu'd, Iowa Cubs parking lot trailer host: Sir Rod Beck.

Without further adieu, we present the Top Mustaches of 2007.

3. Josh Brolin's, in No Country
Travis Hafner lumbered around Texas with his little blow gun in search of this fantastic piece of upper-lip roadkill. A 'stache so victorious, had Mike Nolan grown one of its caliber in September, the 9ers would be giving away the 11th overall pick rather than the 8th.




2. Stan Van Gundy, head coach Orlando Magic
When he's not advising the drunk, nude, scootering Verne Troyers of the world, he is watering and mulching the dictatorial dragon beneath his nose. Gundy may have the wispiest 'stache of the present trio, but that's just because he's pornographical economical.




1. Daniel Day-Lewis's, in There Will Be Blood
That baby packs enough sinning punch to give Mother Theresa the urge to headbang to Burzum. Also, it's presence gets you a lifetime of free sarsaparilla at the local bowling alley.

Rank and File of the National FL: Candy Edition

1. New England Patriots (13-0): Baby Ruth
The team is quickly becoming legendary. They've got the nutty, bumpy texture but are all melded together by creamy caramel/brilliant coaching. The exclusive candy bar/team that can dominate without milk/a running game.

2. Indianapolis Colts (11-2): Peanut M&Ms
Comprised of a hard outer shell and strong core, their consistent success may bore the more risk-oriented pigskin palettes.

3. Dallas Cowboys (12-1): Snickers Dark
Dark, sexy, some might say a little bitter. The franchise name has been both flashy, and reliably good in the past; and a fresh flavor injection has them back towards the top again.

4. Green Bay Packers (11-2): Chesdale chocolate cheese slices
We wouldn't be surprised with a divisional round exit/diarrhea, or a Super Bowl berth/successful melding of our two favorite food groups.

5. Seattle Seahawks (9-4): Butterfinger
It's bald, leading bite will lull you to sleep with it's efficiency, but the buttery, inconsistent innards of the receiving corps are enough to discount the Gulls from true Super Bowl contention.

6. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-4): Cotton candy
Only a child would select the Steel Curtain for Glendale or the pink stick. They are both deceptively large and appear densely woven but they quickly disintegrate in your mouth/to the Pats.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4): Jawbreaker
The toughest of its kind. But seriously, who the fuck enjoys these guys?

8. Cleveland Browns (8-5): Kit Kat
A strong, slender, four bar offense (Anderson, Lewis, Edwards, Winslow) with ample crispiness on the defensive side. Often will leave a chocolately residue on your hands, especially when facing the possibiliy of Crennel managing a playoff game.

9. New York Giants (9-4): Junior Mints
Refreshing at first, but whether you're dealing with an indifferent little bro at the helm, or little mint chocolate frisbees, it's always a bad choice in the long run.

10. Minnesota Vikings (7-6): Rolo
Delectable taste, but you need milk/a passing offense to fully appreciate. Very promising but too much development/individual unwrapping time required. Not worth the effort this season.

The Rank and File of the National FL

1. New England Patriots (7-0)
Ok Brady can just throw it up into double coverage and Moss will catch it in the endzone. We fucking get it already. Now let's get that Kool-Aid guy a few carries near the goal line seeing as his balls are healthy again. Man, Boston just can't do anything wrong anymore. 'Gone Baby Gone' may even challenge the 1972 Dolphins.

2. Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
Note to Kornheiser's bus driver: Take a wrong turn somewhere on the way to Denver next week and tell the MNF producers you got lost in a snowstorm. When little TK stays up past his bedtime to work these games on Mondays, it shows.

3. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
Yeah, yeah they lost to the Broncos at Mile High on GM's Night Football in America, nbd brah. Steely McBeam's biggest problem is that everytime Santonio Holmes is targeted we have to do a double-take to make sure it's not Kordell frolicking across the field.

4. Dallas Cowboys (6-1)
They've got one quick, physical running back who gets the yards. They've got one facemask-fucking goatslayer who gets the touchdowns (Watching Barber III run is like watching someone playing Madden with a stuck R1 button. Cyclone straight-arms baby. We're pretty sure even Jerry Jones will get stiffied by Marion at some point this season.) Oh, and Dallas also has the league's smiling leader.

5. San Diego Chargers (3-3)
Potentially having to play in Arizona this Sunday may present the Bolts with Buzzsaw side effects. But worry not Charger fans. It should take more than a one-week stay for Rivers to start fathering illegitimate children, or Norv to hold a Coors Light commercial-fueling press conference. No promises though that the QB won't get hammered off one glass of white wine and read a tear-riddled passage of his diary to a reporter.

6. New York Giants (5-2)
But Big Blue lost to the Cheese Week 2, at home! Don't care. Eli was banged up, Jacobs didn't play, and Coughlin hadn't unleashed the double-headed dragon out of its dungeon yet. Osi and Strahan can spit fire through your castle wall/offensive line. They will even set your moat ablaze, sparking a ring of fire, on their way back to the huddle.

7. Green Bay Packers (5-1)
The Pack are going to sputter soon enough. So be nice to cheese heads now. Definitely don't do this. Favre will be available to throw interceptions at parties and banquets come January.

8. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2)
Bad-ass defensive tackles. Intimidating uniforms. Back-up QB who plays by feel. Three checkmarks for a championship team... Wait, you thought it was a dumb idea for Quinn Gray to don a bottom-of-the-well-black visor for a night game against Indy? Nah, eyesight is overrated when playing the most difficult position in sports, as evidenced by Gray nearly tying Rob Bironas' record of eight footballs through the goalposts. Hey Quinn, those guys wearing Jacksonville jerseys in the stands aren't eligible receivers! Hurry up and RSVP to week 8 Gerrard, you can finally feel wanted.

9. Carolina Panthers (4-2)
They always seem to get lumped in with the Jacksonville. Same expansion year, same animal. If DeAngelo Williams emerges as a premier tailback, the Panthers could go deep into the postseason. We're positive that they're better off with Vinny Testicles than with the belle of the ball David Carr at the helm. And we're about 95-percent sure they're better off with Old Man Testes than with Delhomme.

10. Washington Redskins (4-2)
This could be Tampa Bay here. Both have formidable Ds, but we give the running game edge to DC. And fuck, those 1970 throwback unis the 'Skins loined a few weeks back were sharp enough to make even Chief Wahoo blush.