Tuesday, October 23, 2007
The Rank and File of the National FL
1. New England Patriots (7-0)
Ok Brady can just throw it up into double coverage and Moss will catch it in the endzone. We fucking get it already. Now let's get that Kool-Aid guy a few carries near the goal line seeing as his balls are healthy again. Man, Boston just can't do anything wrong anymore. 'Gone Baby Gone' may even challenge the 1972 Dolphins.
2. Indianapolis Colts (6-0)
Note to Kornheiser's bus driver: Take a wrong turn somewhere on the way to Denver next week and tell the MNF producers you got lost in a snowstorm. When little TK stays up past his bedtime to work these games on Mondays, it shows.
3. Pittsburgh Steelers (4-2)
Yeah, yeah they lost to the Broncos at Mile High on GM's Night Football in America, nbd brah. Steely McBeam's biggest problem is that everytime Santonio Holmes is targeted we have to do a double-take to make sure it's not Kordell frolicking across the field.
4. Dallas Cowboys (6-1)
They've got one quick, physical running back who gets the yards. They've got one facemask-fucking goatslayer who gets the touchdowns (Watching Barber III run is like watching someone playing Madden with a stuck R1 button. Cyclone straight-arms baby. We're pretty sure even Jerry Jones will get stiffied by Marion at some point this season.) Oh, and Dallas also has the league's smiling leader.
5. San Diego Chargers (3-3)
Potentially having to play in Arizona this Sunday may present the Bolts with Buzzsaw side effects. But worry not Charger fans. It should take more than a one-week stay for Rivers to start fathering illegitimate children, or Norv to hold a Coors Light commercial-fueling press conference. No promises though that the QB won't get hammered off one glass of white wine and read a tear-riddled passage of his diary to a reporter.
6. New York Giants (5-2)
But Big Blue lost to the Cheese Week 2, at home! Don't care. Eli was banged up, Jacobs didn't play, and Coughlin hadn't unleashed the double-headed dragon out of its dungeon yet. Osi and Strahan can spit fire through your castle wall/offensive line. They will even set your moat ablaze, sparking a ring of fire, on their way back to the huddle.
7. Green Bay Packers (5-1)
The Pack are going to sputter soon enough. So be nice to cheese heads now. Definitely don't do this. Favre will be available to throw interceptions at parties and banquets come January.
8. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-2)
Bad-ass defensive tackles. Intimidating uniforms. Back-up QB who plays by feel. Three checkmarks for a championship team... Wait, you thought it was a dumb idea for Quinn Gray to don a bottom-of-the-well-black visor for a night game against Indy? Nah, eyesight is overrated when playing the most difficult position in sports, as evidenced by Gray nearly tying Rob Bironas' record of eight footballs through the goalposts. Hey Quinn, those guys wearing Jacksonville jerseys in the stands aren't eligible receivers! Hurry up and RSVP to week 8 Gerrard, you can finally feel wanted.
9. Carolina Panthers (4-2)
They always seem to get lumped in with the Jacksonville. Same expansion year, same animal. If DeAngelo Williams emerges as a premier tailback, the Panthers could go deep into the postseason. We're positive that they're better off with Vinny Testicles than with the belle of the ball David Carr at the helm. And we're about 95-percent sure they're better off with Old Man Testes than with Delhomme.
10. Washington Redskins (4-2)
This could be Tampa Bay here. Both have formidable Ds, but we give the running game edge to DC. And fuck, those 1970 throwback unis the 'Skins loined a few weeks back were sharp enough to make even Chief Wahoo blush.