Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Pete Rose's Guide to the Championship Series

Nary a baseball fan around will dispute that the four teams remaining are the cream of their respective leagues. The Rockies are the only team without a dominant ace on staff, but they make up for the void with their wet blanket defense and relentless wood.

The NLCS should require constant movement of chess pieces (or at least mancala beans), and in turn stroke the fancy of the hardball purists. As for the high-school analogists, it will finally settle the age-old dispute of determing your favorite faculty member: the drunken shop instructor or the reserved, yet welcoming geometry teacher.

Over in the bloated offense league, we have the two best teams in the game rammin' it out. Fausto Carmona's heater bulks to the weight of a medicine ball 6 feet from the plate. In fact his sinker is so squalid that J.D. Drew already grounded into three inning-ending double plays. Tarantula Hair Ramirez has been a constant gardener, raking anything and everything projected toward him. One of the many mouthwatering matchups in this emerald of a series.

However, if for whatever reason you need that little extra juice to make it through the rest of the playoffs (or, if you are Pete Rose), grab your wallet and another gambler and have at it. We present the '07 Championship Series Betting Lines, straight from a seedy dive bar's backroom bookie in Reno (think of it as Fourth Meal, to the actual gameplay's supper, if you will):

Over/Under length of time (in seconds) Chip Carey gazes goofily at Tony Gwynn during on-cam pre game segment in TBS booth: 9.5

O/U estimated age guess of Jeff Francis by non-baseball fan in close proximity: 16.5

Odds that same non-baseball fan thinks McLovin is pitching for the Rox: 15-1

O/U number of purple/lavender/lilac/mulberry/perrywinkle articles of clothing Craig Sager wears to game 3 at Coors Field: 5.5

O/U number of times mentioned (per game) that the D-Backs were outscored in the regular season: 1.5

O/U amount of time (in seconds) lapsed between when Jose Valverde comes set, and when he begins delivery: 18.5

Odds Chip Carey will have an on-air orgasm after a successful sacrifice bunt: 4.5-1

Odds camera will catch Daunte Bichette in stands eating an extra large burrito: 2-1

Odds Tim McCarver will refer to Hideki Okajima as Dice-K: Even

Odds McCarver will refer to Dice-K as Ichiro: 3-1

Odds Joe Borowski will resort to donning black, bandaged eye glasses and begin sprinting out from the bullpen to a certain cover of a Chip Taylor tune after blowing saves for both Sabathia and Carmona: 4-1

O/U times J.D. Drew pops out/whiffs/GIDP (per game) to end inning: 2.5

O/U times McCarver giggles at joke made by Joe Buck about Boston CF Crisp and a chocolatey kids cereal: 1.5

O/U total time (in minutes, throughout series) of on-air discussion about Yankees: 35.5

Series Note: Although the Cleveland SS plays the same position, wears the same number, and has the exact same batting stance as Derek Jeter, he is not Jeter. His name is Jhonny Peralta. He's just like Jeter except he can actually hit for power. And he doesn't squat when he takes pitches at the knees away.

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