Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Astronomists Advise to Drink Moonshine to Tolerate Moon's Shine

Remember when Phil Knight, Nike co-founder/Oregon megabooster, wasted money on this in 2001? Well now that his alma mater actually has a legit Heisman candidate in Dennis Dixon, we're told that the publicity paid for by the billionaire is set to reach a luna-crous new level.

That's right, Knight is putting the Dix on the moon motherfuckers. For the next two months we will be circumgyrated by a 6'4'', 200 lb spread-option hurler. Those bitches Selene and Luna have been bounced, and the Dix is your new orbiting overlord. Your new night light? A neon number 10. Your old hopes and dreams? Shattered. All you will think of now is the Dix walking down that blue-velvet aisle in the Downtown Athletic Club, claiming what's rightfully his. Tebow for Heisman you say? We don't see him in the sky, singing children sweet dreams fairytales and slinging pigskin at teenagers on Lookout Point.

We are entering a new era. Our thoughts have been implanted. Our natural satellite now has steel tread shoulderpads. Our eyes are burning worse than when the Kenny Rogers' Roasters sign was shining. Quaaaaack.


Dan said...

Uh, Joey Harrington finished 4th in the Heisman while playing on the #2 team in the nation. You either have extremely strict requirements to be a "Heisman Contender" or are confusing his college career with his pro career.

Doje said...

yeah, we need better than 57% completion to be a true contenda

Dan said...

Wow, your Heisman consideration is entirely percentage completion based?

Sorry, you're just wrong on this. He wasn't just a contender, he was actually a finalist and was invited to New York for the ceremony.

Watch for this year's Heisman contender Wake Forest's Riley Skinner with his 72.7% completion percentage.