MLB Playoff (Pants) Forecast: Wet with excitement

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Santa Cruz, CA. Here, we present his MLB Division Series predictions (plus a bonus of 2 other guest jokenosticators):

ALDS
Anaheim Mighty Angels of Los Angeles vs. Boston Red Sox
Of the eight playoff teams, Boston scored the second most runs in the regular season (trailing the Yanks) and sported the best regular season ERA (3.87), significantly less than the second lowest (Cubs) at 4.04. I not only predict a first-round beat down for the rally monkeys, I believe that an Angels loss is the key to the entire offseason.

After the Angels have been vanquished, the calls for A-Rod can officially begin. Who would rather have a $30 million/year (Latin) MVP shortstop than marketing guru Arturo Moreno? Selling A-Rod jerseys, posters, pins, pennants, prophylactics, lamp shades, high thread count cotton sheets and antenna balls to the AMALA faithful will be too much for Moreno to resist. A-Rod will sign for $300 million over ten years and marketing-induced priapism will strike the Anaheim owner for the duration.
Locomotive Lock: Boston in 4.
Bones Foley, CP Radio: Boston in 5.
Editor's Pick: Boston in 5.


NY Yankees vs. Cleveland Indians
ESPN's expert panel, which should be limited to: Gullet Gammons, Harold Reynolds and studio host Karl Ravech (Ed. Note: Ravi's rug does get more exciting come October!) unfortunately consists of Gullet, Kurkjian, Stark, Steve Phillips, Steve Phillips, Neyer, Olney etc etc. Their vote of 7-3 goes in favor of the Indians. Lay off the hard stuff, "experts." I can guide you away from the fog of your rapidly emptying martini glass to the stats that matter...

In head-to-head competition this season the Yankees got our their XL brooms, cleaning up the Reservation with a tidy six-victory sweep. Not a single game was decided by one run or less. Four out of their six victories, the Yankees feasted on the fresh buffalo kill that was the so-called "dominant" Indians pitching staff: winning by five (twice), seven, and nine. The experts counter, 'but Big Flanks Sabathia didn't throw a single one of those games!' True, CC (D-Train Willis on a seven-year ho ho diet) did fail to make it away from the buffet to the hill in any of those six starts against the pinstripes but don't despair: the Yankees hit a crisp .284 against lefties this year.
Locomotive Lock: New York in 4.
Bones Foley: Cleveland in 4.
Editor's Pick: Cleveland in 4.

NLDS
Chicago Cubs vs. Arizona Diamondbacks
The only enjoyment to conceivably come out of this series would be a candid camera expose of Carlos Zambrano's purported voodoo rituals. Since I have to make a pick...Arizona in 5. Why would I pick an Arizona team which was outscored and hit a syphilitic .250 in the regular season? Because Alfonso Soriano and Derek Lee have batted .233 and .208 in their respective postseason careers. Plus, Soriano's recent home run tear is just as likely to hinder his playoff production (swinging for October dinger glory has been his bane) as it is to ensure it. Regardless of who wins this series they will advance to the next round as the worst team remaining in the playoffs.
Bones Foley: Arizona in 4.
Editor's Pick: Chicago in 5.


Colorado Purple Triceratops' vs. Philadelphia Phillies
Nothing fancy about this series (Ed. Note: actually we fancy Troy Tulowitzki vigorously. Plus, the Rox have a truly fearless leader.) Ryan "Rhames" Howard and his Phils should triumph over the silver bullets in a five game offensive bonanza which promises to be the most entertaining series of the round. (Ed. Note: 32 words?! Looks like the 'Motive's arthritic middle fingers began acting up so he postage-stamped this last one in.)
Locomotive Lock: Philadelphia in 5.
Bones Foley: Philadelphia in 4.
Editor's Pick: Colorado in 4.