Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Quintuple Reverse Psychology: Hey Pedro, Don't Get Hit By A Bus!

How does Pedro Gomez still have a job? Now that he can't be Bonds' cock jockey what use is he left with? His baseball reports never seem to present anything, you know, relevant, and his delivery resembles that of a menopausal crochet specialist condoling her widowed friend whose fish just died.

Monday night while interviewing Todd Helton he kept asking the same question over and over while awkwardly restraining himself from cupping Todd's baseball satchel. Here's a paraphrased portion of the chat after the Rockies' pennant-clinching victory:
Gomez: Todd, how can you explain your incredibly hot beard...I mean winning streak? And don't thay you can't exthplain it!
Helton: I can't explain it. etc etc
Gomez: But how would you explain it? (Helton rolls his eyes and contemplates the risk/reward of cracking a champagne bottle Coors Light can over Pete's head)
Jesus, it's just embarrassing to the viewers and, we'd think, to ESPN to watch him work. This guy must have polaroids of John Skipper fellating a donkey in a Bristol bathroom. No other explanation for why he's still around. Pete would be better off incorporating some '20s slang into his broadcasts than staying the course. Ah, apple sauce! I'm all wet.

No comments: