"We're 1-6 and USC has only one loss. We can't score any points on offense. Our defense is okay, our special teams is okay...I told the team at our hotel last night to take a vote to see if we should even show up Saturday."Well... next time coach, make sure to count the votes. Recount. Then if it comes out in favor of your boyz taking the field: vote again, this time making it anonymous. That should keep your "squad" from having to go out and embarrass the echo-wakening university.
Really though, you don't need to care. You're signed through eternity. And today, you did have a legitimate excuse for losing. When your team dresses in mustard-stained pants, naturally you're thinking hot dogs down the gullet, not passing down the field.
If you do decide to recondsider this whole head coaching thing, we're sure your career as a stand-up comedian would be man-titillating. You've already proven with your above mentioned pep rally performance that you have the dry observational-humor skills of a Jerry Seinfeld after finding out his Porsche parking garage has burned down.
"Thank you, thank you very much for coming. It was a long flight out here, boy are my arms tired...from eating all that fried chicken on the plane. Say, what's the deal with all those dead people in Darfur?"