Friday, February 1, 2008

Spreading Ourselves Thin: There Will Be Blood Edition

*Potential spoiler alert for those who haven't seen the film.*

We have avoided Around the Horn and most Sportscenter Super Bowl updates the past couple weeks, and as a result are feeling fresh going into the large contest in Glendale this Sunday. Since there is only one game for us to handicap, and we're hoping that the game will parallel P.T. Anderson's superb picture, we'll try to synch up some lines from the film and where they will apply on the field at UoP stadium. (And it really isn't too far of a stretch to envision Belichick as Daniel Plainview, or Manning as Eli Sunday.) Needless to say, we're hoping for a 60-minute, empire-building rivalry betwixt the two, ending in a bowling alley blood bath the Patriots not convulsing like Merriman at midfield.

*Peyton Sunday tips Belichick on the Giants gameplan*

Belichick (upon discovering Arizona Cardinals sweatshirt-turned jizzrag found on sidelines): What is this? Why don't I own this?

Belichick (after Eli conducts a 20-yard drive resulting in a Tynes missed FG): That was one goddamn helluva show.

Eli (to Shockey, who has been furiously attempting to pump up the crowd by swinging a dead bald eagle around his head on the sidelines): Do you think God is going to come down here and save you for being stupid? He doesn't save stupid people, [Jeremy].

Belichick (summoning the celebratory pour of fetus blood red gatorade after the win): Give me the blood, Lord!

Eli (to passafire, after overthrowing Plax by 10 yards): And as long as I have teeth, I will bite you!

Belichick (in Coughlin's ear, during post-game midfield handshake): One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

Belichick (to Eli, during post-game handshake): You're not the chosen brother, Eli. It was [Peyton] who was chosen. You see, he found me and told me about your [gameplan]. You're just a fool... I did what your brother couldn't. I broke you and I beat you. It was [Peyton] who told me about you. He's the [true product hawker].

*Eli bursts into tears*

Belichick: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You're just the afterbirth, Eli... You slithered out of your mother's filth... They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when [Peyton] was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli, but a band of sows? [This game] has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.

*Belichick beats Eli to pulp with Lombardi trophy on NFL logo at midfield, puts on Super Bowl XLII hat and smiles for camera*

Belichick: I'm done.

On that note, our pick: PATRIOTS (-12) over Giants. Enjoy the game everybody!

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