Thursday, January 10, 2008

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Arrested Development Edition

After sandpapering off the edge of the regular season with consecutive 1-5 weeks, we were a little hesitant to get back on the gamblin' bone pony. But, last Thursday we did have the savvy to trudge through Miss Cleo's dangle-beaded door, perform cunniling exchange "services," and next thing we knew we had ourselves a perfect wildcard weekend against the spread.

Well, today we stand in a meadow during a thunderstorm, flying our aluminum kite, in hopes of shocker-ing ourselves and others with back-to-back 4-0 playoff marks.

Seahawks (+8) over PACKERS: "O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? *giggles* Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth." "We just call it a sausage."
It's pretty easy to envision Josh Brown playing the role of Mrs. Featherbottom and announcing that he just 'blue himself.' JB took a large step with his new wardrobe, and really the next logical career move is to push the envelope even further. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As good as the Seahawks looked on defense last week, we can see them winning this one outright. But we're gonna pick the Pack to edge Seattle by a slim margin, if only to delay the annual Favre retirement-talk schtick just a little longer.

Jaguars (+13.5) over PATRIOTS: "I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with 'Fuck Mountain.'"
Belichick is a man of many innovative ideas on defense. But the Jags have the ground game to munch the clock and keep this game within single digits. Now, if Billy can get Gob to loan Senior Seau his Segway for this contest, it might be a different story.

COLTS (-9) over Chargers: "Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio." "Como?" "Oh, you're gonna be in a coma alright."
"Yardstomper" Haynesworth tried to put little bitch Rivers into a coma last Sunday when he bulled through the line before the play started. We're not saying we want Philip in a coma per se, just put into his place: first on his ass, repeatedly, then home for the offseason and back to date-raping community college sorority skanks. Bob Sanders, make it happen mang.

Indy covering Sunday is the Kryptonite U-Lock Lock of the week: A healthy receiving corps for Manning with whom to shred. Norv and Rivers are both on the road, in a playoff game, with artificial crowd noise erecting the decibel meter's needle like Maebe stroking George Michael's inner thigh. And Jesus is on the Colts' side! Ding, ding, ding. It's time to double up the bank account fellows.

NY Giants (+7.5) over COWBOYS: "Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, 'Hot Ice' with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-soup... baby, I got a stew going."
Wade Phillips had to rush to the refrigerator before he could finish that last sentence. And he's gonna need a bushel of bearclaws come the fourth quarter to ease the stress of this doozy. Giants will play 'em very tough, but Big D squeaks away.

As always, if you want to go 4-0, you've gotta be swillin' the O.E. 4-0s every game. Call it the make-it-rain dance, if you will.

Enjoy the games everybody.

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