Spreading Ourselves Thin: A Fish Called Wanda Edition

BILLS (-7) over Dolphins: "We didn't lose Vietnam. It was a tie."
Miami is looking to go 13-0 in moral victories.

EAGLES (-3) over Giants: "He's so dumb... he thought the Gettysburg Address was where Lincoln lived."
Little Elijah is so precious. He'll pass for four scores (to New York) and seven yards total.

BENGALS (-7) over Rams: "Nice fish, Ken. You know what Nietzsche said about animals? 'They were God's second blunder.'"
And Scott Linehan is the lord's third blunder.

49ERS (+8.5) over Vikings: "You're a very attractive man, Ken. You're... smart, you've got wonderful bones, and you dress really interestingly."
Something tells us Mike Nolan will pay more attention to the gameplan than to his wardrobe this week. Although that of course could still equate to a double digit loss.

BRONCOS (-6.5) over Chiefs: "I love robbing the English, they're so polite."
The Rat will have Herm bent over by the end of the first quarter and be in the tanning booth by halftime.

RAVENS (+9) over Colts: "The central message of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself'".
Ray Lewis versus Tony Dungy. An epic Christian holy war in the high heavens of Bodymore, USA. First team with a far eastern religious thought covers.

Yeah we take home teams. We pick that shit for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Enjoy the games everybody.

True Life: I'm Trying to Re-sign Chili Davis

Embassy Suites lobby. Nashville, Tennessee on Day 1 of MLB Winter Meetings

Brian Sabean: What do you mean my room isn't ready?

Receptionist: Sir, we were a little short staffed this morning. We're terribly sorry. If you wait just five minutes we will upgrade you to the master suite. Your stay will be complimentary.

Sabean: *Dazing off into space* Huh? No I'm not going to wait five minutes. Just give me my room key.

Receptionist: Sir, the only room available right now is our Amish villa. It is a converted outhouse from the 1800s with urine-stained walls.

Sabean: It's lasted for over two decades? Perfect, that's how you know it's a stable, savvy room. I'll take it.

Receptionist: Sir, in just one moment the master suite will be...

Sabean: Chh, chh, chh. Gimme the porta-john key and tell me which dotted line to sign on.

Receptionist: *Rolls eyes* Ok sir, if you insist.

Brian Cashman emerges from elevator.

Cashman: Hey Bri, how's it hanging ol' chum. Wanna do a few carbombs at the bar?

Sabean: Actually, Terry Ryan invited me to smoke some angeldust back in his room and talk a little shop.

Cashman: Nonsense Saby baby. I think you're the best GM around. I'd like to learn a few of your tricks, you dirty wise ol' owl. Come on I'll buy you some drinks.

3/4 of a Zima later...

Cashman: Come on, Lincecum and Zito only got twenty victories for you last year. They're just not winners, Bri. Matsui won almost 100 games with us. You're getting five times the value.

Sabean: But Lord Magowan said I'm not supposed to trade Timmy or Barry.

Cashman: Pshhhhh. Neither that buck-toothed preteen nor the pink furry can speak Japanese like my man 'Deki. Sabes, you know you have the yellow fever. Remember how quickly you shred through those Chinese finger traps?

Sabean: *Knods giddily*

Cashman: I'll tell you what, I'll let you keep Zito. You just give me Lincecum, and I'll give you Matsui, his wheelchair, and a carton of colorfully-woven finger traps.

Sabean: Gee, I still don't know, Cash.

One Bartles & Jaymes later...

Sabean: Ok, Ok. You can have Lincecum and I'll throw in Matt Cain as well. But you have to give me cash considerations and Kyle Farnsworth.

Shake hands.

Cashman: No take backs! *Runs out of bar*

*Bellhop enters*

Bellhop: Sir, your master suite is ready.

Sabean: Nice try. I already signed a one-year lease in the dumpster by the highway.

How 'Bout I Punchisize Your Face? For Free

Pay for a bag of chips? You fucking kidding me?

You think I came to a major football institution near a fucking swamp to pay for a gotdamn bag of chips?

Urban didn't say shit about paying for no fuckin' sea salt 'n vinegar, motha trucka.

What's that? Just a dollar? Yeah well I've got six and a half fucking sacks, boy. I'm third on the team with 62 tackles including 11 and a half for loss, son.

How 'bout you keep strokin' that Chia pet behind your fucking counter and be glad I'm eating my grinder in your gotdamn shop.

As soon as I get that seventh sack believe me, I'm out of this shit sauna. Mawfuckin' Jared has got a seven-up policy over there.

You want me to leave now? How 'bout I give you a fucking pastrami mustache. BAM. More? Here are some fuckin' styrofoam denchers you gotdamn toothless bogmongrel.

Go fuck a lillypad in the Everglades.

Shit, bro. Cops! Let's bolt back to the dorms.

Florida starter Cunningham arrested for food fight [Sports Illustrated]

Disturbing New Trend Appauls Suburban NBA Crowds

As the arena blasted:

You can't step to my roots, so don't try it.
You can’t burn with my group so don’t light it.
I'm on the OC crew and I'm better than you.
You like to suck my balls, don't deny it.
You can't bop her like me so don't go there.
You never find a bigger bitch player nowhere.
I put my jimmy in a ho, put off soul.
I'm a good listener and that's rare.

The defense got served.*

A night later, in Minneapolis, Rashad McCants interpreted the rancher and his violin's ditty a little too literally for McHale's taste.












You'll do a line and I'll do a line honeeey,
You'll do a line and I'll do a line baaaabe
You'll do a line and I'll do a line, we'll fight an' screw til the mornin' time
Honey, babe, be mine.

Commissioner David Stern has issued a statement in response to the recent rhythmic outbreak on NBA hardwood across the country, warning that "serving" a defender is now subject to a $75,000 fine.

*Or F'd in the A, if you will

Kige Claus Is Comin' to Town

I think Christmas is the best day of the year.

Each Christmas eve my mom puts out warm cookies and milk on the coffee table next to our tree for Kris Kringle. And each year I sneak down from my bedroom in my Wildcats slippers and eat them.

I do not think all eight days of Hanukkah combined are as good as Christmas. This year I'm asking for a Frank Wycheck bobblehead figurine.

This is Kige Ramsey for YouTube Holidays.

Over Zealous Hydration Supplier F***s the Dog

BALTIMORE -- The Ravens lost to the unbeaten Patriots Monday night in aqeuously excruciating fashion.

Baltimore's defense made what looked to be a game-winning stop of New England on a 4th-and-1 play late in the final quarter only to have their dream upset rattled awake by one of their own.

The Ravens team waterboy called for, and was given, a timeout by the referee just seconds before Tom Brady received the snap and ran for no gain on a quarterback sneak.

"Reverend Ray [Lewis] mistakenly drank from the wrong bottle on the sideline prior to the play," waterboy Wally Thompson explained. "I figured he needed his holy water before the big fourth down so of course I threw up the T-bone."

Head coach Brian Billick assured the media in his post-game press conference that he will now reevaluate his sideline policy which grants every object that resembles, or has the capacity to construct, a 'T', the power to call timeouts.

"You know," Thompson suggested. "I guess you could say the game was god damned."

Shaq's Errant 'Lumberg' to Garnett's Aniston

Since we are hard pressed to provide any meaningful NBA commentary, we will instead make poor and/or off-brand jokes about basketball pictures in a new feature adequately titled 'NBA Skeet.' The retroactive first edition can be seen here. As with all of our other regular features, its appearances will of course be wildly inconsistent.

It really is true what they're saying about Shaq O'Neal's game not being as sharp as it used to be. As evidenced above, he's even 90 degrees off when making his 'O' face.

Photo courtesy NBA.com