Bengals Wideout Disappoints Suspended Sensai

Adam "Pacman" Jones thought he mentored oft-arrested Cincinnati receiver Chris Henry well.

Jones thought wrong.

Henry, who was recently reinstated to the NFL after serving an eight-game suspension, got into a parking lot altercation at a Kentucky hot spot Tuesday night.

According to WLWT-5 in Cincinnati, when Henry was asked by the valet attendant to pay for parking, the wideout 'stood chest to chest with [him] and forced him to walk backward.'

"At that point, he was so far so good," Jones said. "You don't back down to no bow-tie gump."

By Jones' assessment however, that's when the events began to turn sour.

Henry then allegedly threw a $5 bill to the ground saying, 'You'd better pick that up, (expletive).'

"See that just aint the way I taught him to flow," Jones said. "The playbook right there says you hold up five $1 bills, and let that (expletive) sprinkle down on homeboy's head. That's fundamentals."

Although Jones expressed grave disappointment by his protege's actions, he plans on continuing to guide the troubled wide receiver from his crow's nest in Memphis as he serves the remainder of his own season-long suspension.

"He still a young pup. Christopher is learnin' more and more each day," Jones assured LBMS. "If he play his cards right I see him as our gunman next time we roll to Vegas. Wakawakawaka."

Bengals' Henry Threatened Valet Attendant, Police Say [WLWT]

Ebert & Roeper Give It 'Two Sausage Thumbs Up'

FROM THE PRODUCERS THAT BROUGHT YOU SCREAMING AT HIGH SCHOOL REFS AND SPITTING AT HOT DOGS COMES A FILM INSPIRED BY RECE DAVIS' "THE VELVET FOG" MANGINO REFERENCE

An island off the Kansas City streets is the setting for this salty yarn of ghosts, lepers, pigskin, vengeance, and maple bar angst. A fog-enshrouded schooner (Mark Mangino) from 1956 returns from the bottom of Youngstown State to wreak vengeance on the buffet tables of the Big-12, and it's up to Missouri QB Chase Daniel (Selma Blair), her charter-boat-captain lover, Gary Pinkel (Tom Welling, from TV's SMALLVILLE), and his wayward girlfriend, Quinn Snyder (Maggie Grace, from TV's LOST), to slay the unbeaten. All three are related to the town's founding fathers, with whom the Jayhawk ghosts have an ancient score to settle. What that score is no one seems to know, but they need to find out, fast.

Tony Temple (TAILBACK) provides cutback relief as Chase's lusty first mate, but the real scene stealer here is the fog itself, which is much more robust than in the 1980 John Carpenter original. Thanks to some nice Cheese Steak work, it slithers in, around, and under everything. Though gussied up with BCS implications and corn-fed young players, THE FOG is, at heart, a good old fashioned football game, replete with uniforms and intra-conference romance. Commissioner Kevin Weiberg (BIG TWELVE) is good at capturing little details like the eerie tinkling of ranch dressing dripping to the floorboards, the textures of moisture-beaded gullet, and the perfectly toned mustache of lead actor Mangino as he wanders around in his velour tracksuit. On Nov. 24, THE FOG oozes into Arrowhead.

(Film synopsis edited from Rotten Tomatoes)

The Rejuvenation of John Smith

Do you have respect from your community? Is your bridge game the only thing you have to look forward to? Are you constantly promised a golden opportunity as long as you keep doing what you're supposed to do?

Well, conform no longer ye ol' working stiffs out yonder. You can grab your destiny by the Good N' Plenties. Shed that Men's Wearhouse unitard, grab some musty sweatsuit articles and in no time you'll be able to upgrade that Segway to a Sebring convertible!

After all, the panhandlers dress code works in the NFL, and everyone knows the league is the perfect microcosm of the corporate world. Those who wear the suit and tie, i.e. Mike Nolan/'the old you'? They are relegated to a six-game losing streak/six straight Saturdays stuck at the office. Those with the vagabond approach, i.e. Bill Belichick/'the new you'? Nine-straight wins/pay raise to eat cheetos and play tetris.

So, if you're looking for a change, think SpeeDee Oil Change & Tune-Up denigrated wardrobe maneuver. It is guaranteed to at least make the gerbil wheel feel like a gerbil halfpipe. Extreeeeme.

Colts DeeJay Mistakenly Plays Remix

At the beginning of the fourth quarter of the Colts/Pats game battle of good and evil Sunday the deejay at the RCA Dome commited the ultimate party foul. He let the crowd noise CD skip for a few seconds while the Colts were on defense!



Man, talk about a buzzkill. Let's take a look at some of the other abominable acts that this rabblerouser has executed during various Indianapolis Colts social events (which LBMS heard from Mike Vanderjagt in a sit-down interview after he split the uprights of his tonsils with a bottle of Goldschlager*).

10/21/2003 @ Offensive coordinator Tom Moore's Wedding Anniversary Celebration: Smokes a pack of Misty's alone in bathroom, sets off smoke detector, guests forced to evacuate.

10/31/2004 @ Marvin Harrison's daughter's Halloween party: Dresses as tampon. Steals 8-ball keg tap, flees party via crawling under backyard fence.

12/22/2004 @ Edgerrin James' Gangstarrr X-Mas Party: Spills beer on Peyton Manning as he's reading his playbook in a rocking chair in the corner. Escorted out of house by offensive lineman Jeff Saturday. Calls cops with noise complaint out of spite.

7/4/2006 @ Safety Bob Sanders' Independence Day Block Party: Lights a Piccolo Pete near Mrs. Sanders. Gets tackled through garage door by Bob.

7/1/2007 @ Tony Dungy's Christian-themed book release party: Urinates on Jesus ice statue, which melts. Forces Dungy to mutter 'serenity now' under breath rest of night.

8/3/2007 @ Final Fantasy XII tournament at punter Hunter Smith's residence: Shoots heroin. Passes out on couch, inadvertently suffocates Smith's girlfiend's toy poodle.

*Drunken kicker at one point during the conversation scraped the gold flakes from the bottom of his empty glass and pasted them on his earrings.

UPDATE: Vanderjagt recently admitted to all of the transgressions which he previously blamed on the RCA Dome deejay. Oh, and they say Indy did not cheat. Roger [Goodell, valiant effort on squelching] that.

Thanks to With Leather for leading us to video at Fanhouse.

Hard Wood on the Hardwood: A Sneak Peak at the 07-08 NBA Season

After watching a significant chunk of that Sonics/Suns game last night we realized that, contrary to popular belief, an NBA regular season game can be entertaining. Our eyes were duct taped to the screen everytime Durant touched the ball last night and it felt good. Plus that 50-foot alley oop from Ridnour to Jeff Green, who laid it in off the backboard with teabagging gentleness, was just sexy.

Don't get us wrong, the college game still has our hearts but it was nice to have a decently enjoyable time watching a meaningless pro game in November again. And to think, if that Va. Tech game wasn't a blowout we never would have gotten the pleasure.

So without further adieu, we present a half-assed curtain warming of the upcoming rest of the NBA campaign. The standings*/awards predictions and 'who to watch for' are provided by LBMS hoop beatster Bones Foley. He won't play any defense or hustle down the court but he can really stroke that goose through the cookie jar from beyond the arc. And we felt he deserved a chance to redeem himself after picking Philadelphia to win the World Series.

THE WEST
1. Suns "Ordinary People Do Fucked Up Things When Fucked Up Things Become Ordinary" Propagandhi
2. Mavs "We Disintegrate [In June]" Nevermore
3. Jazz "Jesus Saves" Slayer
4. Spurs "Same Ol' Song And Dance" Aerosmith
5. Warriors "Fury Of The Storm" DragonForce
6. Nuggets "I'm So Stoned" Slightly Stoopid
7. Hornets "This Secret Ninja" A.F.I.
8. Sonics "Forever Young" Alphaville

THE EAST
1. Bulls "Where Idols Once Stood" Thrice
2. Heat "Droppin' Like Flies" The Real McKenzies
3. Celtics "Everyone Has AIDS" Team America
4. Cavs "I Walk Alone" Oleander
5. Pistons "One Last Caress" The Misfits
6. Magic "Five Magics" Megadeth
7. Wizards "Don't Damn Me" Guns N' Roses
8. Nets "Woke Up This Morning (Chosen One Mix)" A3

FINALS
Wizards vs. Suns (Champs)

MVP
Carmelo Anthony

COMEBACK PLAYER
Kenyon Martin

ROOKIE OF THE YEAR
Kevin Durant

MOST GUNSHOTS FIRED BY A TEAM CAPTAIN
Stephen Jackson

LEAST STDs CONTRACTED
Andrei Kirilenko

MOST DENNY'S GRAND SLAMS ORDERED
Greg Oden

WHO TO WATCH FOR
Delonte West, Boston - True scorer (Ed. Note: he can really light it up.)
Matt Barnes, Golden State - Barnes hustles like Byrnes (But isn't extreme enough to kayak over convenience store aisles.)
Danny Granger, Indianapolis - If he doesn't put up numbers... who will on the Pacers?
LaMarcus Aldridge, Portland - The Bulls might regret trading this guy
Raymond Felton, Charlotte - With the addition of J-Rich he'll have plenty of dime opps

*Team theme songs in italics
Photo, sans caption, courtesy Lion in Oil

Multi-Sport, Multi-National Melee May Prove Tennis Stars' Innocence

Semi-bangable tennis phenom Martina Hingis was accused of testing positive for cocaine, then promptly announced her retirement. To quote the lovable Eightball from Full Metal Jacket: "What the motherfuck?!"

But now some light is being shed on the situation. Sources close to LBMS tell us that Andy Reid's troubled son Garrett actually served as a ballboy at Wimbledon for several of Hingis' matches this past summer. Multiple Brits say they witnessed Reid "salting" Hingis' balls with a "white powdery substance" prior to her service games.

The 27-year old Swiss racketeer maintains she has never taken any drugs in her life. When asked to comment on his alleged actions in England, Reid replied, "No shit, really? I thought that was just a dream bro."

Welcome To The Machine, Carney

The San Francisco Giants hired Carney Lansford as their new hitting coach Thursday. Lansford, a former batting champion and five-time All-Star is indeed quite the upgrade to Joe Lefebvre and his inspiring .258 lifetime mark.

Initially, the news of Sabean making a competent personnel move came as a shock. But upon further inspection we realized Sabes thought he was signing Lansford as his starting third baseman. After all, G-men fans are no longer in awe of our general manager's mystifying ability to put crustaceans on the diamond and make big-time talent vanish into thin air the Metrodome.

B.S. Factoid of the Day: Brian Sabean once won a goldfish at a carnival game, but insisted on paying the vendor with a first-round pick.