LBMS's Least Disgraceful Moments of '07, Presented by Summer's Eve

Major League Baseball gets head, full-body, conscious. Jump.




Our main Mangino eats, blocks sun: the movie. Jump.





When mutes attend football games, let there be crowd noise. And oh yeah, let there be no skippage. Jump.




Who knew the moon had an ACL to tear? Phil Knight didn't, and he's gonna want a refund. Jump.



When watching playoff baseball just isn't enough, you and Pete may stay occupied. Jump.


The NBA's public relations team. On anabolic angel dust. Jump.



Taking you behind the scenes of the wheelchairless Stephen Hawking of general managers. Jump.


Jimmy Clausen will take your daughter to prom. And then eat your bagel bites. Jump.




Roger Cossack would like to analyze your indecent exposure case. Jump.




Nifty special effects on the baseball diamond. Jump.




Meet Purple Jesus' core-of-the-earth counterpart. Jump.




Barry Bonds played the game of baseball well. For this, we thank him. Jump.



One fine day in the city. One terrible day for 9er fans. Jump.



Where the best show on television, baseball, and constant masturbatory mentioning happens. Jump.


GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH! Jump.




Just for mediocre measure, we'll give you some of our other favorites of the year.

Movie: Gone, Baby Gone. No Country is a close second. We have a feeling that There Will Be Blood will be up in this eschelon as well once we are able to see it.

TV Show: The Sopranos. Somewhat closely followed by Conchords, Dexter, maybe Weeds.

Album: Porcupine Tree - Fear of a Blank Planet

Song: "No One" by Alicia Keys. Not guilty. Just a goddamn pleasure.

Coffee bean: Hawaiian Hazelnut

Olive: Mezzetta's Colossal Sicilian

Kige Ramsey report: This one.

Crossdressing boxer pictoral: Oscar de la Hoya

Thanks for reading everybody. LBMS is looking forward to a prosperous new year and wishes you a happy one as well!

Our resolution is to eliminate the drunk dial from our arsenal.

Patriots Proprietor's Passionate Pursuit of Pussy-Palleted Necktie Perfection

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- A lotta records fell in New England's 38-35 win over the New York Giants Saturday night at the Meadowlands, perhaps most notably, the largest pink necktie collection.

Patriots owner Bob Ryan Kraft made his 25th straight appearance in front of a national audience wearing a pink tie, increasing his lead over the next closest competitor: Richard Simmons, with one.

"It's an interesting record to hold," Patriots receiver Jabar Gaffney said. "My advice to Mrs. Kraft: From now on, use laundry detergent, not Pepto-Bismol, to do the wash."

Neither Kraft, nor Simmons, could be reached for comment.

We Have A Vaginal Cleanstastic Winner, and Its Sights Are Set High

The LBMS masses dozen have spoken, and we have housed a new corporate sponsor for the next bowl game.

Hell, it doesn't even have to be a new bowl game. We can just wait out AT&T until they fold, and pounce on sponsorship for the Cotton Bowl when it may get upgraded to the BCS legion in 2011!

That ol' Texas Jerry will probably be using douche products for facelifts in the year 2011, that could be Summer Eve's in! But we're only one man, with only one dream. Make it happen JJ.

Thanks again to all who voted, a new poll will be up shortly.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It appears ESPN has fired its alliterative slogan writing staff, and lazily begun relying on car company PR think tanks. We're sure by now you're familiar with their New England Patriots/Lexus [Passionate] Pursuit of Perfection gem. Well, here are the rest of the worldwide leader's car-motto-turned-NFL-team descriptions that have yet to be unleashed upon the Bottom Line:

Cincinnati Bengals (via Toyota): Moving Backward

Miami Dolphins (via Nissan): Shit_

Minnesota Vikings (attn: Fred Smoot, via Dodge): Grab Life by the Double-Headed Dildos

Kansas City Chiefs (via General Motors): We Are Professional Grade Horse Manure

Baltimore Ravens (via Chevrolet): An Offensive De-evolution

Slogan It Out, Pt. II

Rodney Roy Beck Award Finalists

The end of 2007 is nearing, which means we need to put our butter gloves on and churn out a cumulative descending list or two. Blue ribbons, gold trophies, pearl necklaces... all will be handed out to those deserving, in award season here at LBMS.

Our first category is in loving honor and memory of our favorite arm swinging, fu-manchu'd, Iowa Cubs parking lot trailer host: Sir Rod Beck.

Without further adieu, we present the Top Mustaches of 2007.

3. Josh Brolin's, in No Country
Travis Hafner lumbered around Texas with his little blow gun in search of this fantastic piece of upper-lip roadkill. A 'stache so victorious, had Mike Nolan grown one of its caliber in September, the 9ers would be giving away the 11th overall pick rather than the 8th.




2. Stan Van Gundy, head coach Orlando Magic
When he's not advising the drunk, nude, scootering Verne Troyers of the world, he is watering and mulching the dictatorial dragon beneath his nose. Gundy may have the wispiest 'stache of the present trio, but that's just because he's pornographical economical.




1. Daniel Day-Lewis's, in There Will Be Blood
That baby packs enough sinning punch to give Mother Theresa the urge to headbang to Burzum. Also, it's presence gets you a lifetime of free sarsaparilla at the local bowling alley.

Padres Agree to One Year Deal with Broken Dreams

The San Diego Padres signed that Ferrari tape rewinder from that partially molded box in your garage to a one year, $1 million contract.

You know, that sleek-looking silver thing that was so promising back in '97 but has never been fully capable of rewinding a VHS all the way from end to start, and fucks up DVDs that you try to get it to service.

Technological scouts agree the mechanics of its spinning cylinders appear flawless, but they always end up chewing your tapes. Now, it will be chewing up about 15 innings in the NL West during the 2008 season.

Padres sign Prior to one-year deal [CNNSI]