Leitch Will Not Be Muscled By Bristol

ESPN may have been able to pressure YouTube into pulling videos of Ron Bermandy's off-air antics, but Deadspin's Will Leitch, already having had the worldwide leader's blackball treatment, is doing a public service - he's got 'em all in one spot.

So enjoy now, or enjoy later. No pressure, no shot clock to worry about. You can go ahead and take that extra pass or that extra deux-deux-deux before watching.

Note: We like to imagine Berman doing the voice over for those VW bug "Da, da, da" ads from back in the late '90s.

Also, one of the first things you are taught in television broadcasting is to not say anything stupid when you are mic'd up, on-air or off. You will be held accountable. It's like the Schwami has never fucking worked in TV before!

ESPN Reacts To Berman Videos, Takes Them Down Off YouTube. But Worry Not. [Deadspin]

Join Us For Jack McDuff Karaoke Hour, presented by Moonshine

When we first heard of the four-letter's Ultimate Highlight "tournament" we were initially excited. The fact that JFC Berman would be hosting wouldn't stand in between us, and mild enjoyment.

Upon watching, however, we soon tried to comprehend why the original (classic) radio calls weren't being heard, but rather Berman making up his own voiced-over renditions!

To quote the man himself: Jesus Fucking Christ.

This is precisely the type of instance about which we've been known to sing "Hot Barbecue."

One tiny step for text-message spawned voting, one large step for Kige Ramsey becoming our sole faucet for sporting news and information.

The Chris F**king Berman Creative Process

Apologize for the back-to-back video posts. Well, not really. Via 'The Balls' at Deadspin.

The Night After Leather Left Him...

Via Deadspin, of course.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

It appears ESPN has fired its alliterative slogan writing staff, and lazily begun relying on car company PR think tanks. We're sure by now you're familiar with their New England Patriots/Lexus [Passionate] Pursuit of Perfection gem. Well, here are the rest of the worldwide leader's car-motto-turned-NFL-team descriptions that have yet to be unleashed upon the Bottom Line:

Cincinnati Bengals (via Toyota): Moving Backward

Miami Dolphins (via Nissan): Shit_

Minnesota Vikings (attn: Fred Smoot, via Dodge): Grab Life by the Double-Headed Dildos

Kansas City Chiefs (via General Motors): We Are Professional Grade Horse Manure

Baltimore Ravens (via Chevrolet): An Offensive De-evolution

Democratic Thought at the Worldwide Leader

A timeline of the most insightful ESPN.com Fan Favorites Featured Comments in recent time:












1973: "Miami just completed the best single season in football history." -f1nfanat1xx

1980: "USA's victory over Russia was probably one of the most surprising upsets of this year's Winter Games." -wildncrzykid

1989: "Pete Rose was wrong to gamble on baseball while he was still managing." -vega$$ baybeee

1994: "If the MLB players go on strike I don't think they will play any games." -dieh4rdball

1994: "Nancy Kerrigan never would have earned a silver medal had she been clubbed in the knee during the competition." -iceeyou

1999: "If Jackie Robinson came into the league in this day and age he would have a much easier time concentrating on baseball." -br00klinwhat!

2004: "The SaberCats should play the Patriots to determine who is the world champion of American Football." -p1g5kinn3r

2005: "San Antonio Spurs play great basketb..$%#@@ I would like to fellate a goat." *short circuits* -disneybot1

ESPN's Legal Analyst Would Like You To Know He Is Available To Analyze Your Child's Mock Trial

Gee, that Roger Cossack is always on TV, he must be an extremely important, busy guy!

Not so fast young legal squires.

Roger Cossack would like you to know that is a popular misconception; in between his enlightening and core-cutting assessments of current courtroom affairs in the sporting world, he is always available for extra-curricular law dissection as well.

"You see, I have to pop my head in a little box on the ol' boob tube, tee hee..." Cossack giggled. "Every few hours or I will be disbarred from CATGLIB (Cable Television Generic Law Interpretation Board). My constant, vague comments are just a formality really."

Cossack would again like to reassure you that he has plenty of time for even the most childish, trivial of matters, specializing in: standing on the corner and properly interpreting the stoplight to identify the correct moment at which your child can legally cross the intersection, and bake sale/lemonade stand tax law.

"Seriously you guys," Cossack said. "You can contact me at any time."

Quintuple Reverse Psychology: Hey Pedro, Don't Get Hit By A Bus!

How does Pedro Gomez still have a job? Now that he can't be Bonds' cock jockey what use is he left with? His baseball reports never seem to present anything, you know, relevant, and his delivery resembles that of a menopausal crochet specialist condoling her widowed friend whose fish just died.

Monday night while interviewing Todd Helton he kept asking the same question over and over while awkwardly restraining himself from cupping Todd's baseball satchel. Here's a paraphrased portion of the chat after the Rockies' pennant-clinching victory:

Gomez: Todd, how can you explain your incredibly hot beard...I mean winning streak? And don't thay you can't exthplain it!
Helton: I can't explain it. etc etc
Gomez: But how would you explain it? (Helton rolls his eyes and contemplates the risk/reward of cracking a champagne bottle Coors Light can over Pete's head)

Jesus, it's just embarrassing to the viewers and, we'd think, to ESPN to watch him work. This guy must have polaroids of John Skipper fellating a donkey in a Bristol bathroom. No other explanation for why he's still around. Pete would be better off incorporating some '20s slang into his broadcasts than staying the course. Ah, apple sauce! I'm all wet.

It's Pronounced 'Football Game in Irving'

We don't go out of our way to rag on the worldwide leader, and we understand that it's a staple of the sports media to fabricate cute phrases for upcoming events - after all if you simplify the story down to capsulated pill form it luges down our gullets easier. We get the concept, but it should be stopped.

Last weekend the rave was gutcheck Saturday, and now, the duel in Dallas is the poison. Considering the beginning of the sports week was extremely slow (no baseball mon-wed), it's understandable to overhype a mid-October NFL game which features: two unbeatens; a 90s dynasty vs. 00s dynasty; and head coaches who appreciate a fine sweat suit (Belichick by choice, Phillips by need of the Krispy Kreme waistline expandability).

But the duel in Dallas? Come on espin. We get that the game is being played in an area of the country where spur-strapped men used to customarily pace off before pistoling each other. And that alliteration is always auspiciously awesome. But couldn't you have avoided the cliche-ish sounding phrase? Don't you get paid to do so? At least limit its mentioning to just one per Sean Salisbury stutter.

We are willing to give Bristol U. some slack for now though. However, if one more Stuart Scott poetry jam airs, we'll have to, well, do this.

MLB Playoff (Pants) Forecast: Wet with excitement

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Santa Cruz, CA. Here, we present his MLB Division Series predictions (plus a bonus of 2 other guest jokenosticators):

ALDS
Anaheim Mighty Angels of Los Angeles vs. Boston Red Sox
Of the eight playoff teams, Boston scored the second most runs in the regular season (trailing the Yanks) and sported the best regular season ERA (3.87), significantly less than the second lowest (Cubs) at 4.04. I not only predict a first-round beat down for the rally monkeys, I believe that an Angels loss is the key to the entire offseason.

After the Angels have been vanquished, the calls for A-Rod can officially begin. Who would rather have a $30 million/year (Latin) MVP shortstop than marketing guru Arturo Moreno? Selling A-Rod jerseys, posters, pins, pennants, prophylactics, lamp shades, high thread count cotton sheets and antenna balls to the AMALA faithful will be too much for Moreno to resist. A-Rod will sign for $300 million over ten years and marketing-induced priapism will strike the Anaheim owner for the duration.
Locomotive Lock: Boston in 4.
Bones Foley, CP Radio: Boston in 5.
Editor's Pick: Boston in 5.


NY Yankees vs. Cleveland Indians
ESPN's expert panel, which should be limited to: Gullet Gammons, Harold Reynolds and studio host Karl Ravech (Ed. Note: Ravi's rug does get more exciting come October!) unfortunately consists of Gullet, Kurkjian, Stark, Steve Phillips, Steve Phillips, Neyer, Olney etc etc. Their vote of 7-3 goes in favor of the Indians. Lay off the hard stuff, "experts." I can guide you away from the fog of your rapidly emptying martini glass to the stats that matter...

In head-to-head competition this season the Yankees got our their XL brooms, cleaning up the Reservation with a tidy six-victory sweep. Not a single game was decided by one run or less. Four out of their six victories, the Yankees feasted on the fresh buffalo kill that was the so-called "dominant" Indians pitching staff: winning by five (twice), seven, and nine. The experts counter, 'but Big Flanks Sabathia didn't throw a single one of those games!' True, CC (D-Train Willis on a seven-year ho ho diet) did fail to make it away from the buffet to the hill in any of those six starts against the pinstripes but don't despair: the Yankees hit a crisp .284 against lefties this year.
Locomotive Lock: New York in 4.
Bones Foley: Cleveland in 4.
Editor's Pick: Cleveland in 4.

NLDS
Chicago Cubs vs. Arizona Diamondbacks
The only enjoyment to conceivably come out of this series would be a candid camera expose of Carlos Zambrano's purported voodoo rituals. Since I have to make a pick...Arizona in 5. Why would I pick an Arizona team which was outscored and hit a syphilitic .250 in the regular season? Because Alfonso Soriano and Derek Lee have batted .233 and .208 in their respective postseason careers. Plus, Soriano's recent home run tear is just as likely to hinder his playoff production (swinging for October dinger glory has been his bane) as it is to ensure it. Regardless of who wins this series they will advance to the next round as the worst team remaining in the playoffs.
Bones Foley: Arizona in 4.
Editor's Pick: Chicago in 5.


Colorado Purple Triceratops' vs. Philadelphia Phillies
Nothing fancy about this series (Ed. Note: actually we fancy Troy Tulowitzki vigorously. Plus, the Rox have a truly fearless leader.) Ryan "Rhames" Howard and his Phils should triumph over the silver bullets in a five game offensive bonanza which promises to be the most entertaining series of the round. (Ed. Note: 32 words?! Looks like the 'Motive's arthritic middle fingers began acting up so he postage-stamped this last one in.)
Locomotive Lock: Philadelphia in 5.
Bones Foley: Philadelphia in 4.
Editor's Pick: Colorado in 4.