Locomotive: I Take Dirty Pictures of Sharapova on my TV Using a Canon PowerShot

Recently I had the pleasure of uncorking a fine bottle of diet RC cola, plopping down on the couch and stuffing my bulbous face with Olestra potato chips, artichoke dip, and the sweet flickers of eastern bloc voyeur erotica, err Maria Sharapova playing tennis. Her moans slathered over me, God bless America played in my head and I slid to the tranquil bosom of effeminate comfort...let the good times roll.

-Locomotive

Multi-Sport, Multi-National Melee May Prove Tennis Stars' Innocence

Semi-bangable tennis phenom Martina Hingis was accused of testing positive for cocaine, then promptly announced her retirement. To quote the lovable Eightball from Full Metal Jacket: "What the motherfuck?!"

But now some light is being shed on the situation. Sources close to LBMS tell us that Andy Reid's troubled son Garrett actually served as a ballboy at Wimbledon for several of Hingis' matches this past summer. Multiple Brits say they witnessed Reid "salting" Hingis' balls with a "white powdery substance" prior to her service games.

The 27-year old Swiss racketeer maintains she has never taken any drugs in her life. When asked to comment on his alleged actions in England, Reid replied, "No shit, really? I thought that was just a dream bro."