Bonilla Ice, Ice, Baby

As Talespin was to Ducktales, we present the puck version of NBA skeet:

Mets Pitcher Crosses Species Line, Gambles on Cocks

Pedro Martinez, Marichal and Carlos Delgado were filmed observing a cockfight in the Dominican, where it is legal. If you have a problem with this, perhaps you'd feel better knowing that Perrrrro used to gamble on a more humane version of the sport.

Unfortunately, the Mets pitcher hasn't been able to replace his little cocksman/guimigo to enter the ring since the tiny bugger's unfortunate passing in '06.

What the Motherf**k?!

HBO's Inside the NFL is being cancelled after more than 30 years on the air. Tonight will be the last episode.

Cereally, is the Suns GM behind this move? What gives here?

We May Need An Advent Calendar (With Booze-filled Chocolates) For the 2 Weeks of Super Bowl

DJ Jazzy Stizzle, aka The Commish, is a fresh-faced and bushy-topped contributor to LBMS. He enjoys playing in dynasty mode with piss-poor collegiate programs in several NCAA video games, and e-mailing drunken sports banter at 4 a.m. Here, we present The Commish's first installment: a dilemma in Bruinville.

The Bruin Democrats were deliberating whether to have a meeting [Super Bowl] evening and this is how I responded to a guy's idea of holding it at 7:

The game itself won't be over until at least 7 and between the post game show, trophy celebration, AND the locker room interviews we're realistically looking at after 10. We're talking about a great American Holiday here people. Superbowl Sunday (notice how both Superbowl and Sunday are always capitalized... That's because it has been adopted as an informal national holiday in our writing, and therefore in our civilization.

Dare I say it has been incorporated into the American race in a visceral way? This is Amurrica! We don't go bowling on Superbowl Sunday and we sure as shit don't get together and make decisions, organize, and banter about politics on Superbowl Sunday. {questionable Big Lebowski reference} And as a political organization I feel it is imperative that we do exactly what other political organizations and politicians do; raise money. I'm only partially joking but there's no way we're holding a fundraiser on a holiday with the magnitude of this one. We might as well throw a black and white gala on the very ground Jesus was crucified on.

I mean, you know Jesus is up in heaven sitting in a recliner made of clouds, drinking beer and eating pretzels in his bathrobe made of angel feathers, preparing to watch this game. Do we possess the audacity to collect checks from donors, let alone have a meeting, on a day when we know JC is looking down on the stadium that his father's leftover resources enabled man to create? (Can I just say how happy I am that the big guy left so much marijuana laying around the planet...it's grown and used everywhere! Truly an amazing plant.)

We're going to have an extremely hard time justifying this whole meeting thing to the big G.O.D. no matter who or what that may be in your belief set. See I like football so I like my Jesus to appreciate football. But I digress...Shall we observe the holiday? Dispense your thoughts.

Report: Pats Have Acquired More Footage Than 'Planet Earth' Production Team

In the ongoing taint (the dynasty) festival, rumors are now stirring that Belichick and the Patriots filmed the Rams final walkthrough before their 20-17 victory in Super Bowl XXXVI.

Perhaps if Mike Martz hadn't been getting off to his 30-straight pass play offense, he'd have noticed a lingerer with a camera surveying the practice session.

Peeper or no peeper though, give the ball to Marshall Faulk more than 17 times and the title is yours, Mikey. And Brady is stuck dating Sears cotton underwear models.

Pats spied before SB XXXVI upset [FanNation]

Spreading Ourselves Thin: There Will Be Blood Edition

*Potential spoiler alert for those who haven't seen the film.*

We have avoided Around the Horn and most Sportscenter Super Bowl updates the past couple weeks, and as a result are feeling fresh going into the large contest in Glendale this Sunday. Since there is only one game for us to handicap, and we're hoping that the game will parallel P.T. Anderson's superb picture, we'll try to synch up some lines from the film and where they will apply on the field at UoP stadium. (And it really isn't too far of a stretch to envision Belichick as Daniel Plainview, or Manning as Eli Sunday.) Needless to say, we're hoping for a 60-minute, empire-building rivalry betwixt the two, ending in a bowling alley blood bath the Patriots not convulsing like Merriman at midfield.

*Peyton Sunday tips Belichick on the Giants gameplan*

Belichick (upon discovering Arizona Cardinals sweatshirt-turned jizzrag found on sidelines): What is this? Why don't I own this?

Belichick (after Eli conducts a 20-yard drive resulting in a Tynes missed FG): That was one goddamn helluva show.

Eli (to Shockey, who has been furiously attempting to pump up the crowd by swinging a dead bald eagle around his head on the sidelines): Do you think God is going to come down here and save you for being stupid? He doesn't save stupid people, [Jeremy].

Belichick (summoning the celebratory pour of fetus blood red gatorade after the win): Give me the blood, Lord!

Eli (to passafire, after overthrowing Plax by 10 yards): And as long as I have teeth, I will bite you!

Belichick (in Coughlin's ear, during post-game midfield handshake): One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

Belichick (to Eli, during post-game handshake): You're not the chosen brother, Eli. It was [Peyton] who was chosen. You see, he found me and told me about your [gameplan]. You're just a fool... I did what your brother couldn't. I broke you and I beat you. It was [Peyton] who told me about you. He's the [true product hawker].

*Eli bursts into tears*

Belichick: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You're just the afterbirth, Eli... You slithered out of your mother's filth... They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when [Peyton] was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli, but a band of sows? [This game] has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.

*Belichick beats Eli to pulp with Lombardi trophy on NFL logo at midfield, puts on Super Bowl XLII hat and smiles for camera*

Belichick: I'm done.

On that note, our pick: PATRIOTS (-12) over Giants. Enjoy the game everybody!

Scholarships Are For Sellouts

If ESPN is to sports what MTV is to music, then that would make the Patriots like 'Making the Band.' And Belichick like Puff Diddy, right? Maybe this indy sports fan can clarify for us.

Me: So what do you like, college football?
ISF: Meh, it's better, but not by much, most of the players are selling out by taking scholarships, and the good ones just sell out even more when it comes time to get drafted by the big labels... er... teams.

Keeping score is for The Man. On that note, we'll be back later today with a Super Bowl Spreading Ourselves Thin.

A Conversation With An Indy Sports Fan [College Humor]