Lord, Beer Me Strength

Fear the (Well-manicured goatee) Beard

2011-09-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

When it comes to Brian Sabean my guru tells me I shouldn't hate anyone, it gives them too much power, too much time in my head. But my guru is a pussy. I tried the Zen approach, and it failed miserably. I used to imagine Sabean as a good natured, beer league softball manager. A work-a-day guy who puts in long hours at the job to take care of business and his family. But on game nights He likes to let his proverbial hair down in the parking lot of his local rec league softball field, getting schlitzed on Coors Light and the occasional puff of reefer from his friend Bill, a freelance graphic designer.

There's an interesting mix of players on Brian's team because he's a welcoming man, as long as you have "solid league experience" and no discernible athletic gifts, you're on the team! After-all, the game's not that hard...

Abandoning my beer-league softball narrative of Sabean I have increased my understanding of the man greatly and now can only assume one of two scenarios: A) He is an aging buffoon, trying to rid himself of a festering awareness of his own mortality by signing (himself metaphorically) in the form of a steady stream of aging middle infielders who will show they world they still got it! Or B) He suffered PTSD from Bonds' retirement in 2007, inciting anterograde amnesia which has compelled him to think it is perpetually 2007...Edgar Renteria is an All-Star short-stop for the St. Louis Cardinals, Carlos Beltran (also an All-Star) just hit 33 home runs, drove in 111 and stole 23 bases, Pat Burrell hit 30 home runs, Barry Zito won 16 games, Miguel Tejada hit .296, Aaron Rowand blasted 27 home

runs...and Sabean lost his mind.

If the Giants want to win another World Series (while Tim Lincecum is alive) they have can either fire Sabean, or, save up for a time machine...

-Locomotive

Of Greetings and Goodbyes, And SunChip crumbs

2008-11-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

Apologies to our faithful audience (in my case, Murph, and in his case, me) for the eerily similar performance to Plaxico Burress that's been put into the site lately (not to be confused with the '07 version).

Really, like Emilio, we've surely had some great ideas to return to the limelight. Typing 150 words or so and slotting in a hip/ironic picture is often times more difficult than the quadruple deke or rounding up Fulton and the old crew.

For now, just trust that our intentions to write more are pure, and that our next real post has a solid chance to come out before D4: Running Afowl. So until then, maybe write into your neighborhood movie exec to get this baby fast-tracked, or green lit, or what have you:

Coach Bombay (i.e. me) is skating on a frozen pond in slow motion, sort of reflecting on his life like he always does, and then the ice cracks and he falls in. For a second it looks like he's going to drown, but then you see someone extend this hockey stick into the ice-cold water, and the camera zooms up, and it's Charlie (i.e. Charlie Conway, my protégé). He saves me. He's old now and has a beard. And he says in this really gravelly voice "Ducks fly together" and I nod at him and then the team gets back together to play in the Olympics. Then "Whoomp! (There It Is)" starts playing.

How about a slow quack, for old times sake?

When Life Gets You Down... [The Onion]

Stalking Chase: An Admirer on Tracks

2008-08-05T14:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Chase Utley,

Thanks for ripping twenty eight homers with your short, jerky swing. Your VORP is like that of John Lennon, there is only one.

It’s time for you to find a Hollywood publicist and a public vice. Spend your nights outside Philly’s finest strip joints with Stephen Jackson, firing automatic weapons into the air, slurping Grey Goose on the rocks and snorting cocaine off Destiny’s backside. Let your hair down Chase, we wanna see your dark side.

The way you flick those wrists makes me wonder if you’re into S&M.

-Locomotive

Favre Faxes Dulcolax Prescription

2008-07-29T18:20:00.001-07:00

Quinn Contemplates 'Catching' Professionally

2008-07-26T12:25:00.000-07:00

BEREA, Ohio -- As the Cleveland Browns begin training camp at their practice facility in Berea, the previous ruminations of a potential quarterback controversy may be ending soon. Former Notre Dame star quarterback/gay dating ad poster child, Brady Quinn, said he may follow his former touchdown target into a different profession.

"Jeff [Samardzija] is playing baseball and having a blast," Quinn told reporters Friday. "I've been doing some research and found out that the game has a position for me. It's not only socially acceptable for a guy to be a catcher but well respected."

Browns management declined to comment on Quinn's possible career switch.

"If I could join with the Chicago Cups [sic] I'd be able to catch while [Samardzija] pitches," Quinn said. "Just like back at the dorms in South Bend."

LBMS Book Club

2008-07-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

The struggling American economy is slowly eliminating the high school sports landscape, leaving one Pulitzer winner in search of a new game, and a new breed, to exploit. That man is, of course, Pulitzer Prize winning reporter H.G. Bissinger.
Secular religions are fascinating in the devotion and zealousness they breed, and in Oregon, under-eight soccer has its own "rabid" hold over the faithful. H.G. Bissinger, a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist, enters into the spirit of one of its "most fervent shrines": Cedar Mill, an upper-middle class suburb in the comfortable confines of Northwest Oregon, where the Brockman D.D.S. Tooth Fairies have managed to compile the most smiles and least on-field urine stains in state annals. Indeed, as this breathtaking examination of the town, the team, its coaches, and its young players chronicles, the team, for better and for worse, is portrayed as the town; the communal health and self-image of the latter is minsinterpreted as being linked to the on-field success of the former. The 2007 season, the one Saturday Afternoon Orange Slices recounts, was not one of the Tooth Fairies' best. Bissinger's effect on the community--and the players--was explosive. Written with exaggerated style and unnecessary, borderline libelous, passion, SAOS offers an American snapshot in deeply blurred focus; the picture is not always pretty, but the image is hard to forget.

Country Singer Whispers Sweet Nothings in Dallas Goaltender's Earhole

2008-06-30T20:48:00.000-07:00

File this one in the 'timely posts' section of your Carl Monday Memorial library, for we've recently come to discover that Dallas Stars backup goalie Mike Smith ~~gave dome to a dude~~ has a dude on his dome - and apparently it's supposed to be former Padres auditionee Garth Brooks. *Insert Brooks' song title pun and/or Brokeback joke here*

This is a special precedent Smith has set here. We can only hope it leads to Dominik Hasek stenciling a shirtless Eminem onto his old, sexually neutral red helmet when he once again pounces out of his retirement rocker.

Shaq Sentenced to Death for Rap Song

2008-06-24T18:19:00.001-07:00

Handicapping the College World Series Final

2008-06-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

The championship series of the CWS begins this evening in Omaha and pits the number four regional seed Fresno State Bulldogs against the number eight national seed Georgia Bulldogs.

Picking the winner is normally a quite easy task, as the the school with the tougher mascot has won every year since 1998 (Trojans over Sun Devils; in reality, a devil will corrode the soul of even the strongest-willed warrior, but USC happened to prevail in the baseball matchup ten years ago).

But considering this year features a battle of mascots of the same breed, an anomaly that hasn't occured in the CWS's 61-year history, we'll need to analyze the logos to uproot our answer.

Fresno State (above, left) pros: Bulldog assumes a strong, wide stance and yields Popeye-calibur forearms; compensates for jowels with chiseled body; pigeon-pawed, giving it a steady center of gravity; looks like the milky cousin of that demon dog from Ghostbusters.

Georgia pros: Battle-ready intensity, complete with prototypical Bulldog underbite; razor-sharp spikes on collar; cap, although erring on the circus-tent side looks-wise, implies a more advanced baseball capacity than it's nude-domed FSU counterpart; wrinkly (savvy); bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating rabies.

Fresno State cons: Cross-eyed, mouth agape; rounded, bulbous spikes on collar; bright-white teeth, smooth face, indicators of pampering, thus lowering kennel cred.

Georgia cons: No body; apparent cauliflower ear; red, blood-like substance above collar, evidence to decapitation as reason for lack of body; bloodshot eyes, possibly indicating the dog is high.

Consensus: Even though the signs point towards a Fresno State win, we can't rule out a mascot that has chomped at opposing players in the past. Georgia in three.

Parker Becomes Second Woman to Score Basket in WNBA Game

2008-06-23T10:38:00.000-07:00

V(o)ulgar(is) Profits Via Vaticination

2008-06-15T18:31:00.000-07:00

If you follow the tournament poker circuit at all you may be familiar with Haralabos Voulgaris. In his televised WPT final table from a few years back, he came across as a man with an icepick of an intellect but an arrogant douche index spiking higher than Bob Costas at a journalistic integrity convention.

Apparently though, this guy has been making a living betting NBA games the last few years and has compiled quite the statistical database to predict scoring outcomes. Henry Abbott of TrueHoop caught up with H-Voulg and discussed the man's grueling game logging, his million dollar profits, as well as his thoughts on wig-hawking Morrie-level mobster Tim Donaghy.

Very interesting read, and in the duo of interviews Voulgaris comes across as intelligent as we figured he was and, until the very last paragraph, somewhat humble.

Gambling is of no interest to me, I "gamble" on two things: poker and sports. Neither of which is actually a gamble, because my edge in both is rather large.

As is, probably, his time spent talking to pretend people on his cellphone while waiting alone outside the ropes at Vegas nightclubs.

Wait, pound is tic tac toe, right?

2008-06-05T07:47:00.000-07:00

In tribute to the Lakers-Celtics beginning tonight and uh, Magic Johnson. And the Arrested Development movie slated for 2009.

Former NHL Star Turns to Lucrative Balancing Biz

2008-05-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

Theodore Fleury, who used to make a living amusing fans as a toothless gnome on ice, has switched his racket to entertaining minor league baseball crowds with in-between inning ball-on-bat balancing acts.

Pedro Applying the Ultimate D-Stamp

2008-05-26T13:23:00.000-07:00

With the MLB amateur player draft quickly approaching, and the G-men to have their highest selection since 1997, we've been taking extra interest in the talent pool.

Pedro Alvarez of Vanderbilt is touted by most as the cream of the crop, the knees of the bees, the Omar of the rip 'n runners. And really, the only chance of him falling to five is the Boras factor. Which is fine since Justin Smoak is a switch-hitting 'Cocksmith of Teixeiran power and average and would be a morpheus fit in SF (especially since he totes a glove that would be as close to Snow as the Bay Area has seen since JT departed.)

Ped-Al and An-Vil, though, as corner infielders would surely comprise the best 3-4 haymaker combo in an MLB lineup since... Chipper and Teixeira?

Two-Thirds the Innings, Four-Thirds the F*cking Fun!

2008-05-19T15:10:00.000-07:00

Evin "The Locomotive" Murphy finds time to belt out taint-tingling prose for LBMS from his real estate office in Laguna Beach, CA. In this edition, The Loco waxes nostalgic and beats down kids for snack-bar-bucks-redeemable foul balls at the local little league ballyard.

When you’re in your early twenties and you ride a desk for a living there’s only one thing that gets you through the grind. For me that one thing is little league baseball.

I think about it all the time; the snack bar gummy worms, taking grounders with your friends, wondering when you’ll be big enough to put one in the seats.

My nostalgia for America’s pastime prompted me to conclude that I should join a hardball team; lather my senses with big league chew, manicured grass, bean balls, beer bellies and polish sausage. Plus, it will be something to break up the monotony of my memoirs, which currently read: “Day 7940: Jacked off again...”

Play Ball!

Moral for High-School Sophomores: Wear Giants Gear, Potentially Get Laid

2008-05-19T10:14:00.000-07:00

Looks like Tommy's showing a little love for the only team that would have scored less than the Pats did in Super Bowl XLII.

On a serious note, it's refreshing to see a superstar sporting an SF cap in public. Our appreciation increased a few figures on the totem pole for Brady. We're that easy. Fortunately not as easy as the 15-year old giving him the f*ck-me eyes though.

WNBA Desperate, Tries Honesty For New Campaign Slogan

2008-05-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

We conclude that their therapist advised them on this maneuver. Or maybe, the league is simply going through its blunt-honesty phase of menopause.

WNBA: Expect Great

For just one night let's not be co-workers, let's be co-people

2008-05-11T15:57:00.001-07:00

Barkley got Burgundy'd last week by EJ on the TNT set. Later that evening Chaz consumed five pulled pork sandwiches and a litre of potato salad from the post-show spread, and was reportedly heard telling the Turner production staff to not "act like you're not impressed."

In other Anchorman news, apparently Will Ferrell and director Adam McKay will reunite for a sequel as soon as they take care of their current projects. Though tingling vibrations of Caddyshack 2 and Dumb and Dumberer just shot down our spine, we remain optimistic.

We Wonder If Bloatsburgh Has a Park This Nice; And Whether The Beets Have Played to a Sold-out Crowd There

2008-05-11T13:03:00.000-07:00

As Giants fans who have been to PNC Park, we don't take kindly to those that favor Pittsburgh's confines to the Bay Area's. However, the above picture single-imagedly closed that gap betwixt the two a couple rosin bag-widths worth.

A gem of a yard no doubt. Though we'd prefer to be sitting down the first-base line than underneath Jason Bay's taint, as photographer Gene J. Puskar so selected.

For those, however, who aren't quite sold on the slight superiority of ~~Pac BellAT&TMonster?~~ SBC over PNC, try drinking Iron City lager out of an aluminum bottle after a frothy cup of Anchor Steam on draft. It's like chasing angellic breast milk with demonic outhouse sludge. Figuratively.

Or maybe we're just bitter the G-men can't buy, or barter with clubhouse blow-up dolls, a win in that god forsaken yard.

Undershirts are for the Cowardly

2008-05-11T08:35:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to the Mad Dog on picking up his 350th career win last night. The most enjoyable part of that experience for us was the post-game press conference. We could listen to Maddux talk for hours on end.

From the reptilian tongue movement, to the commencing of each sentence with "you know, ahhh...", to the prolonged smiles after his jokes, giving the impression he just took a few bong loads in the training room; ~~our~~ women's hearts melt.

He dresses up in golf attire to watch tv, and he's got just the right sprinkling of Lumbergh in his speech delivery to put you in a peaceful trance.

Or perhaps we just enjoy watching him address the masses with the notion that maybe, given enough time behind the mic, he'll start rambling about his alleged brown deliveries on rookies' uniforms, or leg urinations in the shower.

Because if you're a young player, there's no better way to begin a career than to be blessed with the notorious Mad Dog coating.

Maddux beats Rockies for 350th win [MLB.com] (Click the press conference link just above the story's text for a sampling)

Beane Defends Recent Thrifty Waiver-work: 'Construction Workers Currently Undervalued'

2008-05-07T17:26:00.000-07:00

Always Crashing in the Same Teal Car

2008-05-05T15:46:00.000-07:00

One of the best hockey games ever happened to be one of the longest hockey games ever. Which also happened to be one of the sharpest daggers to the balls that a Sharks fan has taken, ever.

Like grass dampening in the rain, or us bolting to the computer after a provocative late-night infomercial, another promising San Jose season has come to a disappointing end.

So as we bid adieu to yet one more underachieving playoff campaign, we honor the fifth-longest game in NHL history -- (Robert) Frost on ice, if you will -- with a poem of the shortest variety.

Red 42... Blue 68... set, hut, hut, Haiku!

Nab. Turc. Magic show.
Big hits rammed. Seven frames spanned.
Gulp whistle, (you fucking) zebra.

Mrs. FIGJAM and the Sightly Swede

2008-05-04T09:07:00.000-07:00

Mrs. FIGJAM: It's stupid that just because my husband is jealous of Tiger that we can't hang out on our knees and wear matching knits all the time.

Mrs. Woods: LOL, I know, right! Forget the boys for once.

Mrs. F: Wow Elin, I'm glad you see it that way. Let's hold hands.

Mrs. W: Uhh...

Mrs. F: Come on chica, I want to feel your supple Scandinavian skin. Take your hand outta that sweater! Lol.

Mrs. W: Heh... I think I'll just leave it in actually.

Mrs. F: Well can you at least take off those darned glamour shades. Maybe we can try a butterfly kiss!

*awkward silence*

Mrs. F: My husband and I share bras.

Mrs. W: Check, please.

What's the Most You've Ever Lost on a Coinflip? The Shot at an Improbable Comeback

2008-05-03T10:47:00.000-07:00

With Joe Pavelski's overtime goal Friday night to push the Sharks to a game six against Dallas, a game seven, and ultimately a game one of the conference finals for the teal and black (and orange), is now conceivably graspable.

Coming back from a 3-0 deficit is difficult, as proven by the thousands (hundreds?) of teams who have failed to do so in sporting seasons' past.

In the Sharks instance: the white, foggy haze enveloping their eyesight after the series' first three games has proven not to be heavenly clouds of a death confirmation, but gobs of white out smeared over their retinas.

And now, with the series at 3-2 and headed back to the Large Fourth Letter of the Alphabet, that white out is chipping off with each Dallas goal overturned.

It's within grasp. Game six feels like a coin flip to Sharks fans, and should the metal circle land favorably, game seven a momentum-fueled lock. No jinx-mo.

So a message to "Teal Town" going forward: don't get eaten by a shark. Because we now have a 50/50 shot at meeting a well-rested powerhouse in the conference finals.

Philosophical Punditry and Substance Abuse

2008-05-03T08:27:00.000-07:00

Here we are in the dungeon of capitalism, and the election is getting weird. In a race to the toilet, ESPN and its cast of goons are outdone only by the current political landscape of goofy sophists and charlatans, two men and a woman addicted to lust, anger, denial and the big fix.

Praise to allah and death to capitalism. It's murky waters we swim in. If Welfare, medicaid, medical, SSI, ESPN and streaming pornography aren't sufficient to bouy someone of your intellectual fervor, the dream is gone. White picket fences, aging spouses and a giant hole in your soul don't have the appeal that they once did.

Some find solace in the translucent orange bottles of presecription meds, booze, vats of cocaine or a manic late-night frenzy of Skoal and party poker. Your chasm is expanding and the anesthesia of adolescence is wearing off.

Time to turn inward and harvest your sorrow. Piss on the flames. Tear your hair, shred your clothes, ejaculate on your existential dilemma. Douse your groin with talcolm powder and run wildly through the streets. Our time has come.

Assalamlakum.

-Locomotive

Bang Bus On Ice

2008-04-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

Here it looks like we have Fulton laying out Averman.

Or actually that could've been Merriman in the dark jersey, receiving the minor-league hockey equivalent of getting tucked into bed. What a wallop.

Thanks to Wyshynski and AA for the vid.

LBMS Films Presents: Forgetting Brandon Marshall

2008-04-24T16:40:00.000-07:00

From the producers of The 40-Year-Old Quarterback and Knocked Up By Travis Henry comes a comic look at one guy's arduous quest to grow up and get over the heartbreak of losing a blossoming elite receiver -- if he can only make himself start Forgetting Brandon Marshall.

Struggling fantasy owner Peter Bretter (Jason Segel, How I Met Your Mother, Freaks & Geeks) has spent four months idolizing his wide-out, Denver Broncos star Brandon Marshall (Brandon Marshall, Central Florida). He's the guy left cleaning up television shards and accidentally omitted from post-game interviews. But his world is rocked when the non-keeper league’s season ends and Peter finds himself alone.

After an unsuccessful bout of fantasy baseball and an on-the-job nervous breakdown, he sees that not having Brandon may just ruin his life. To clear his head, Peter takes an impulsive trip to Oahu, where he is confronted by his worst nightmare: his ex-player and a gaggle of drooling, prospective new Marshall fantasy-owners, sharing his hotel! But as he torments himself with the reality of Brandon's potential new team, he finds relief in a flirtation with Calvin (Calvin Johnson, Georgia Tech), a talented off-season resort employee whose large hands and tremendous athletic ability tempts him to rejoin the world of off-season draft preparation. He also finds relief in several hundred embarrassing, fruity cocktails.

For anyone who has ever felt it move after a sleeper-turned-star's touchdown comes a heartfelt look at fantasy male relationships -- featuring Wes Welker, Tony Romo, Santonio Holmes and Minnesota D. Part romantic comedy, part guy-yearning yarn, Forgetting Brandon Marshall is the world’s first borderline gay romantic comedy.

Overheard From the Guidance Counselor's Office

2008-04-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Nice job by the ever-charming Matthew Berry (aka Talented Mr. Roto) recapping the last decade (and beyond) of developments in fantasy sports. We’ve been partaking for about 12 years now and one thought has remained a fixture on our mental mouse wheel for quite some time.

Along with bartending on a tropical isle, becoming a fantasy sportsmith tops our list of desired career choices. We often envision ourselves turning heads as a renegade industrialist; combining attributes of the stock trader, the medic, and the scout; and perhaps even parlaying the potential revenue river into our own line of business-casual bathrobes.

But every time we try to chalk up a conceivable game plan, managing dozens of franchises in every possible sport, we’re left disheartened at a projected $5,000 annual income. And that’s assuming we can win 25-percent of the leagues we enter. Dag.

It looks like we better slip back into a Hawaiian T and start practicing our Strong Island ratios.

All Iassogna, And You Porked the Mutt

2008-04-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

Four-year veteran major-league umpire Dan Iassogna, ladies and gentleman. Slicing and dicing Matt Chico's WHIP.

Uhh... maybe Dan was just fist pumping in celebration of Escobar's blazing speed. Either that or he was in fantasyland donkey punching an imaginary Jessica Biel.

Wow.

Vid courtesy Awful Announcing

Now I Mean You, Crank That Gary Glitter

2008-04-22T21:59:00.000-07:00

A few Calgarian calls by the refs could not stop the crustacean Roenick, above top right, from feasting on the supple buttocks of the firecrotch Kiprusoff, above left, in the Sharks' 5-3 game seven victory over the Flames Tuesday night.

Two goals and two assists for the old timer make it eight points in six career game sevens. Fantastic. This asshole used to irritate us to no end as an outspoken douche for other teams, but now that he is a Shark, we understand the words he has spoken. He has spoken. Jeremy's shhpohkenn, yeeaa-aaaa-ee-yeahhh.

Cotton-Mouthed King Wishes You Happy April 20

2008-04-20T20:11:00.000-07:00

Lebron provided White Castle sliders, Hostess donuts, blazin' buffalo and ranch flavored Doritos, and peanut butter to all in attendance at the sold-out Quicken Loans Arena for the annual event.

C-Brew Burned by the Flame of the Double Dragon

2008-04-20T19:31:00.000-07:00

We missed this from a few nights ago but Corey Brewer put a nice little exclamation point to the WTF that was the Timberwolves season. Not only does he stuff himself on the breakaway dunk but he gets his rebound and misses the rim completely on a putback.

Yeah, we'd say that's the household-chore equivalent of shattering a dish and then picking up the ceramic shard and accidentally gouging out your eye.

Minnesota: Where net conservation happens.

Thanks to Basketbawful for the vid.

Things To Do In Denver When Driving Krunk

2008-04-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Since we're feeling a little frisky tonight, we thought we'd pull some NBA playoff predictions out of the bottom of this wild turkey. Literally, these picks were retrieved from the gullet of a bucking bird, scribed on tiny, fortune-cookie sized slips. Here are the first couple matchups:

1. LA Lakers vs. 8. Denver Nuggets
If I'm George Karl, I'm replacing my dancers with 12 young women who look like this. And then I'm ordering my ~~opponent~~ son to helm the wheel of Melo's Mercedes. Then I'm going to masturbate furiously in the locker room before each and every game, project my essense on the team whiteboard, and hope the jizm resembles a new, creative, gameplan with which to not get swept.

Denver is spunky and they've got the talent to win a few games in this series. However if Karl doesn't follow those above-mentioned steps to the tee, they don't make it to next weekend (game two). Lakers in five.

2. New Orleans Hornets vs. 7. Dallas Mavericks
Earlier this year we wagered a friend $1,000 that 49ers behemoth Patrick Willis was headed for Canton. We'd be willing to place a bet of the same stakes that Chris "Basket" Paul is on his way to Springfield, or wherever the NBA hall happens to be. He's phenomenal. He could take four WNBA players and they'd give any five the Special Olympic squad throws on the court a run for their money.

Can't pick against Dallas here though. Just can't. Want to. Can't. Don't want to see Cuban's manzere strap jostling loose of his shirt-jersey from a DDR-esque celebration after a Hornets missed crunch-time free throw. But that was too easy to picture. Mavs in seven.

More predictions coming before the playoffs begin, we would assume.

Please Sir, I Want Some More

2008-04-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

The Portland TrailBlazers would like to submit a Guinness entry for shortest time between half-court alley oops.

Call it the Cal-State Stanislaus offense, call it what you will. But damn will Port be sexy with Oden and another lottery baby thrown in the mix next season.

Bay Area Diagnosis Negative: Smoke 'Em If You Got 'Em

2008-04-15T17:56:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I woke up and realized the Giants are driving hard for the number one pick (Ed. Note: They're too scrappy for that nonsense.), the Warriors (with the exception of Monta) collapsed on the court, the Niners are fundamentally weak, the A's are moving to Fremont, Kobe Bryant is going to win the MVP, Orestes Destrade is getting more face time than Peter Gammons, I need to do my laundry, pay my taxes and invest in some household paper products but with diesel stroking me over a barrel to the tune of $4.25 a gallon, or $75 a fill up, I can't afford paper towels, or my preferred 2-ply Charmin ultra soft luxury liner toilet tissue.

I tried a coffee shop to numb the brain. Nice people, good prices, live music, delicious lemon bars. It worked for two consecutive days but then what? I need sport! Where is it? Don't tell me about playoff basketball. I would rather dig out my old MS-DOS computer and play wheel of fortune. Man vs. machine, good vs. evil, Vanna White's pixelated tits, a human struggle.

Unless something shifts, I'm headed towards a Limbaugh lifestyle. Horse sized doses of Oxy-Contin, turquoise inflatable rafts, Hawaiian Tropic, Cubans the size of your forearm and my iridescently-clad fruit bowl clearly stating my cultural indifference. No more yuppies, no more teeny boppers, no more fat people. I don't care about your petty psychological needs. I don't care what your boyfriend said to so-and-so, or how many lbs you've lost on your new diet, or what's in your 401k. I don't care how hard you studied for your fourth period chemistry test. I don't care if you're on your period. Fuck off and find your own pool, I live alone.

-Locomotive

Exclusive ESPN Report: Network Still Licking NFL's Plumbasket

2008-04-14T19:34:00.000-07:00

ESPN News Services

ESPN reports that ESPN, the worldwide leader in sports, will announce tomorrow, on ESPN the Tuesday, that the network will still be airing National Football League games in 2008.

Stay tuned for 24-hour coverage of ESPN/NFL schedule-release analysis beginning at midnight, on ESPN's 66-platform network of networks.

ESPN's Bob Ley reports that tomorrow, ESPN.com's featured comment will stay: 'WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH' for the duration of ESPN the Tuesday.

A Thorough Bending Over

2008-04-12T11:54:00.000-07:00

It took us a while to get over the non-gimmick, non-image philosophy over at Fire Joe Morgan, but we've cautiously made the turn. It's a little scary to read a blog that gets by on just solid content alone.

The fact that one of the head writers is Mose Shrute however is just a beat-tastic plus.

Go take a look at how FMJ spatula whips some sense into an "old school" baseball mind. Or should I say quote, unquote old school?

Heady Days [Fire Joe Morgan]

Crisp, Cool, Clean-cut Laughs

2008-04-11T22:36:00.000-07:00

We've been in a bit of a Kenji Johjima-esque funk lately, for that we apologize. We've been posting more often at our sister blog -- which happens to be 100% SF Giants related in content -- more often the last month but we're sure LBMS is in for a fresh infusion as the temp. gets hotter.

And by that we mean we'll be whipping the Locomotive to speed up his conveyor belt to get you more burlesque tales of sport as typed from the back-corner of a Peet's coffee house with one hand down his pants and the other one giving his balls as a high five.

But for right this moment, try not laughing out loud to this ensemble of ~~furries~~ mascot miscalculations.

See more funny videos at CollegeHumor

Super Nintendo Chalmers Delights the School Children

2008-04-08T07:38:00.000-07:00

Jittery stone-fingered free throw attempts in crunch time. Way off the top of the backboard bank shots as the clock shot expires. Fast break after fast break in the closing minutes. And as good of a tying bucket as has been in recent memory.

What a contest!

Oh, and go here if you want to relive the final five minutes another five times or so.

I'm A Free Born Man of the USA

2008-03-17T07:56:00.000-07:00

We realize we're pretty lazy right now when it comes to getting posts up, so here: how about a 24-footer to win the Arnie Invitational by Eldrick, who has now won all 5 tournaments he's entered this year*.

Oh yeah, it's St. Patrick's Day so go drink a green beer and listen to some Pogues.

*This is getting out of hand. Let's make this guy drink a few boilermakers before each hole to even things up a bit. At this rate, Mickelson's sports bra company is never going get off the ground if he's unable to get any limelight.

Bruce Bowen Will Take Candy From Your Baby and Gouge It in the Eye With It

2008-03-13T13:30:00.000-07:00

Proponents of defense in the media love this dirty motherfucker. Players, we'd imagine, want to stab him in the temple.

Imagine this guy runnin' loose in the WNBA? He'd be cookin' boston pancakes, tying Cincinnati bowties, and heating up Alabama hot pockets on those poor, defenseless players. Disgusting.

It's a damn shame that no one in the Association can throw a decent punch. I guess we'll just have to root for a Carmelo bitch slap or Van Gundy ankle tug to teach this guy his lesson.

Thanks to With Leather for vid.

USC Will Not Retire Lil' Romeo's Number

2008-03-11T14:30:00.000-07:00

LOS ANGELES -- University of Southern California athletic director Michael Garrett announced Tuesday that incoming basketball recruit Percy "Lil' Romeo" Miller will not, under any circumstances, have his jersey hung from the rafters at the Galen Center.

"Even if the kid were to make me say 'uhhh na na na na,'" Garrett said. "His projected 1 point and 2 turnover per game output would not get his number close to qualifying for retirement."

The proclomation came on the heels of North Carolina announcing that its All-American junior forward Tyler Hansbrough's number is set to be retired at the conclusion of the "bug-eyed bulldog's" collegiate career.

"It may seem premature, but it needs to be known," Garrett added. "So my advice to the Snickelodeon lobby is to lay off myself and our entire athletic department."

Miller was performing a concert for the Girl Scouts of America at press time, and could not be reached for comment.

Quarterback Green Returns to Rams, Will Share 'Locker room' With Broccoli

2008-03-10T15:54:00.000-07:00

ST. LOUIS -- Oft-concussed veteran quarterback Trent Green signed a three-year deal to return to play for the St. Louis Rams Monday.

Green was informed by coach Scott Linehan that the contract is valid only under the conditions that the 37-year-old dress in the team's locker room "annex".

"Greeny won't ever be invited in with the team or out onto the field, per se," Linehan said. "Rather he'll need to remain in the kitchen next to the cabbage."

Linehan also added that out of respect to opposing defender's knees, and Green's capacity to live, the former Pro Bowl slinger will be kept refigerated along with the other edible parts of plants.

"Drrdsa jghhe jee hh eiwepp," Green stated. "Gsdjk."

The Most Anticipated Sunday

2008-03-07T16:00:00.000-08:00

We aren't talking about the Super Bowl.

Nor Selection Sunday on the 16th.

That's right Herc and Carver... we are talking about the series finale of The Wire.

David Simon, Ed Burns and some of the other main writers penned a great piece for TIME about America's war on drugs. Highly recommended reading.

Also, if you're looking for thoughtful and analytical discussion on the show, here are some breeding grounds for provocative thought:

Heaven and Here (written by Free Darko's Bethlehem Shoals and several other contributors)

The House Next Door (Extremely in-depth Wire entries written primarily by Time Out New York television critic Andrew Johnston)

Tim Goodman's Blog (The SF Chronicler's episode deconstructions are always an enjoyable read)

Only 53 more hours for us West Coasters until launch!

Red Hawk Down (And Bleeding From the Nostrils)

2008-03-06T18:00:00.000-08:00

PGA Tour "player" Tripp Isenhour, against his caddy's advice, left his musket in the bag and went with the lob wedge to nail a protected migratory bird from 75 yards out while filming an instructional golf video.

But don't worry PETA, the skull-crushing sticksman has the situation rectified:

Isenhour said his family has adopted three cats from a local shelter.

Man, this guy is even better than a Sour Warhead-stuffed, ADD-riddled elementary school kid at conflict resolution.

Let's go ahead and get this Tripp fellow a neon orange jacket and drop him at ol' Ted Nugent's ranch to test his merits in his natural sport. Because with two missed cuts out of three Nationwide tour events, Isenhour would be better off putting with a cannon than his flat stick.

Isenhour, charged with killing bird, says 'I am an animal lover' [ESPN]

Spring Chickens Begin Springing Out Of Offseason Eggs

2008-02-28T17:50:00.000-08:00

Camp games are underway in Florida and Arizona, and our whistle for the cowhide has officially begun to moisten.

As pictured above, P Diddy -- sans gun -- was in uniform for the Mets, who bageled the Cardinals 7-0; The Giants were doubled up by the Cubbies, as Kevin Correia got truly goatcreamed; and the Sawwwwxx looked facking ferocious against stiff opposition.

A gaggle of other games, monitored for fantasy purposes, went down as well: Ryan Howard, Braun, and Granderson each went yard; Joe Blanton got lit.

All in all, we're sure an absolutely great day for fans ~~collecting skin cancer~~ baskin' in it down at their respective team's camps.

Full Scoreboard

How Do You Say Boom Shakalaka in French?

2008-02-28T15:42:00.000-08:00

Not sure which is better: the save, or the headless dombroski dance that follows.

We're The Brews, Sportin' Anti-Swastika Tattoos

2008-02-27T18:40:00.000-08:00

A Coloradoan Jewish school's basketball team may have to forfeit the regional championship game due to the contest's scheduling conflict with Sabbath.

Herzl/Rocky Mountain Hebrew Academy's boys team could be headed for a regional championship on Saturday, March 8, if it wins one more game Thursday. But the Denver school's religious beliefs prohibit students from playing on the Jewish Sabbath between sundown Friday and sundown Saturday.

What is viewed as a problem for many, is actually a blessing for the dual-sported athletes at the Hebrew Academy who, by forfeiting Saturday, would be able to rest their wrists for the more heralded State Dreidel Spin-off scheduled for Sunday.

Sabbath conflict may stop Colo. Jewish school's playoff run [USA Today]

Slogan It Out, Pt. III

2008-02-27T13:10:00.000-08:00

Rapid Fire, presented by Stephen Jackson

2008-02-27T11:30:00.000-08:00

♠ Cards manager Tony LaRussa announced Tuesday that he will continue last year's second-half trend of batting his pitchers eighth in the order. LaRussa later added that he will be extending his "scotch inning" from batting practice through the seventh.

♠ Patriots running back Kevin Faulk was cited for marijuana possession at a Lil Wayne concert in Lewsyanna last Friday. We knew LSU's all-time rushing leader wasn't the most elusive of backs, but wow, that's like getting tackled by the punter who tore his hamstring on the kick.

♠ And sometimes we just have to let THE ONION speak for us: 'Cupcake Used in NBA Slam-Dunk Contest Inducted Into Cupcake Hall of Fame.'

High School: The Amuse-icle

2008-02-26T11:24:00.000-08:00

An Oregonian prep hoops tandem executes the ol' full-court bounce pass alley-oop.

Thanks to The Big Lead for the vid.

Has Your Runs Output Been Arrested? Call Bonds, Man

2008-02-25T15:40:00.001-08:00

Whispers have been heard from several MLB teams (most recently Tampa) contemplating the possibility of rickshawing in Barry Bonds for the 2008 campaign. After all, it's pretty tough not to mull over the notion of bringing in one of the game's all-time greats to play for your team, and awkwardly cross-dress at your spring camp.

As any man who truly loves his profession would do, Barry will work for anyone with a checkbook. Yep, #24's godson has expressed interest in ~~participating in Viking Warrior~~ playing baseball in Japan.

However this ends up... whether Barry's clearing fences for wrinkly-balled narcoleptics, or tiny balled martial arts enthusiasts, it'll be good for baseball.

And don't worry Japan, although his head and temper are giant, and his backne may resemble a scaley, reptilian epidermis, he will not engulf you in flames.

Rays have discussions about Bonds [CNNSI]
Blackballed Bonds has eye on Japan [Metro Times]

The More You Know...

2008-02-25T10:40:00.000-08:00

Did you know that Krzyzewski is pronounced 'Jejevski,' not 'Sheshefski?' Thanks to John Feinstein's A March to Madness, now you do! Ba da dum da dum dum da da da dum.

Lasorda Back to Buffet, Dugout

2008-02-20T17:22:00.000-08:00

Hall of fame skipper /Vladimir Guerrero bat magnet Tommy Lasorda is returning to the dugout. Yep, the ol' chubster will be leading the Dodgers into exhibitionist battle for eight split-squad games in Florida this March.

The move is win-win for both the Los Angeles organization and coach: LA is looking to improve its spring training record, and Tommy is looking to consume his weight in post-game spread baco bits.

Lasorda back on bench, briefly [CNNSI]

That Guy's Gonna Need a Shot and a Beer

2008-02-20T07:46:00.000-08:00

It doesn't get any more romantic than proposing marriage at half-court.
Video courtesy College Humor

Tejada Denies Even Drafting Mitchell to Fantasy Football Team

2008-02-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

KISSIMMEE, Fla -- Houston Astros slugging shortstop Miguel Tejada told reporters Tuesday that not only could he not discuss questions about the Mitchell Report, but that his lawyers have even advised him to steer clear of confirming whether Scott Mitchell was on his fantasy football team, 'Miggy Pops,' in 1995.

"Tejada smells guilty to me," ESPN fantasy writer Eric Karabell said. "Mitchell passed for over 4,300 yards and 32 touchdowns in '95. Why he would deny that just doesn't make too much sense to me and my ilk."

Tejada emphasized to the media members in front of his locker that unlike McGwire, he does want to talk about the past, and unlike Sammy Sosa, he is able to speak English.

"I'll admit, I did have Herman Moore and [Johnnie] Morton that year," Tejada said. "I have no comment on Mitchell."

Rook Gets Got; Burgundy Peppers Izzo

2008-02-17T14:07:00.000-08:00

Savvy ~~wife-beater~~ veteran Brett Myers and company convince rookie Kyle Kendrick he's been traded to Japan.
Ron Burdungy gets to the bottom of the Izzo/dwarf theories.

Thanks to X-Mas Ape at Deadspin for top, AA for bottom.

An Off-Day in the Life of Jeff Van Gundy

2008-02-14T11:46:00.000-08:00

3:35 a.m. *Screaming in sleep* That's not a foul! If a 2 can't punch a 4 in the adam's apple in the paint, this aint basketball!

7:05 a.m. *Pours coffee, takes sip, slams mug down on counter and shatters it. Wife shakes head at breakfast table.* That's a good no-call, honey.

7:55 a.m. *Reading sports section of newspaper* Wow, they really oughtta switch to 12 for a foul-out. *Attempts to turn page, shreds paper in half*

9:15 a.m. Hmm, which sports coat should I wear today? *Proceeds to hang on coats and swing to-and-fro in closet, tears down beam.*

11:20 a.m. *Doorbell rings, Mrs. JVG walks toward door to answer. JVG hip checks her into the grand piano and reaches for door knob* Now that's how you box-out!

11:21 a.m. *JVG opens door, receives package from UPS. Breaks pen while signing name, smacks driver in face with clipboard* You gotta hand it off strong in traffic.

1:05 p.m. *Watches Fever Pitch*

2:50 p.m. *Calls Mike Breen* Hey Breeny, you should check out this new tune I just discovered. It's called 'Sweet Caroline!' *Slams phone down, cracks receiver*

3:05 p.m. *Watches Never Been Kissed. Cries. Punches himself in eye with kleenex*

5:00 p.m. *Watches MMA fight* Wow, this is some strong fundamental defense. You don't see enough spine-elbowing in the Eastern Conference anymore.

6:35 p.m. *Mrs. JVG give JVG warm milk bottle, puts on 13 Going on 30.*

8:15 p.m. *JVG applies Mint-flavored Crest to brush* Hey honey, check out this great technique I use to get on top of the high-screen set by my canines! *Proceeds to knock out four teeth brushing*

8:20 p.m. *Mrs. JVG inserts syringe of horse tranquilizer to JVG's neck* Goodnight sweetie!

Sampson Wouldn't Last Two Weeks in Bawlmore

2008-02-14T11:28:00.000-08:00

Indiana basketball coach Kelvin Sampson shows once again he's no more adept at doin' business than Prop Joe's dipshit nephew. You gotta know not to talk shop over the phone, not even with texts.

In the words of Stringer Bell, Samsonite know he gon' have to eat the charge on this one.

Come on coach, are you kidding us? Excessive text messaging to recruits? How do you think the likes of Coach K and Roy Williams have been ruling the roost so long without getting busted by MCU? Cell phones are for setting up in-person meets, tops.

Although Sampson should land on his feet, hopefully coaching at some off-brand ~~gang~~ school like Eastern Tennessee Tech within the next few years. We only hope if he continues to use the cell that he at least develop some type of picture messaging code, ala Vondas-Marlo.

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeyiittt.

Image via BoilerSports.com

Leitch Will Not Be Muscled By Bristol

2008-02-13T13:15:00.000-08:00

ESPN may have been able to pressure YouTube into pulling videos of Ron Bermandy's off-air antics, but Deadspin's Will Leitch, already having had the worldwide leader's blackball treatment, is doing a public service - he's got 'em all in one spot.

So enjoy now, or enjoy later. No pressure, no shot clock to worry about. You can go ahead and take that extra pass or that extra deux-deux-deux before watching.

Note: We like to imagine Berman doing the voice over for those VW bug "Da, da, da" ads from back in the late '90s.

Also, one of the first things you are taught in television broadcasting is to not say anything stupid when you are mic'd up, on-air or off. You will be held accountable. It's like the Schwami has never fucking worked in TV before!

ESPN Reacts To Berman Videos, Takes Them Down Off YouTube. But Worry Not. [Deadspin]

Join Us For Jack McDuff Karaoke Hour, presented by Moonshine

2008-02-11T15:30:00.000-08:00

When we first heard of the four-letter's Ultimate Highlight "tournament" we were initially excited. The fact that JFC Berman would be hosting wouldn't stand in between us, and mild enjoyment.

Upon watching, however, we soon tried to comprehend why the original (classic) radio calls weren't being heard, but rather Berman making up his own voiced-over renditions!

To quote the man himself: Jesus Fucking Christ.

This is precisely the type of instance about which we've been known to sing "Hot Barbecue."

One tiny step for text-message spawned voting, one large step for Kige Ramsey becoming our sole faucet for sporting news and information.

Popovich Cries Foul on Gasol Trade, Soils Diaper

2008-02-09T10:25:00.001-08:00

Spurs head coach Greg Popovich spoke out against the Pau Gasol/Laker deal Friday. Sources say with injured French guard Tony Parker missing time, Eva Longoria has been steadily gaining influence over the coaching staff with each passing day.

No word from commissioner David Stern on the matter, nor will there ever be one.

A call was placed to the San Antonio Metro Waambulance early Saturday morning, team officials report.

Gasol trade sparks war of words [CNNSI]

The Chris F**king Berman Creative Process

2008-02-09T10:16:00.000-08:00

Apologize for the back-to-back video posts. Well, not really. Via 'The Balls' at Deadspin.

... And Just Under Sports Reporting, is Blogging: Merely a Half-Step Above Prostitution

2008-02-08T13:45:00.000-08:00

This is from earlier in the week, but we don't watch much SportsCenter these days. And anyways, as we always say, two birds in the bush...

Man, college basketball just won't be the same without Bobby. We would be able to settle for Mike Gundy hitting the hardwood though.

Thanks to Eleven Warriors for leading us to the vid.

Did Marv out-perform Buck on 'The Snatch'? YESSSS!

2008-02-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

Since Joe Buck's call of David Tyree's infamous Super Bowl snag sounded like he was about to throw down his headset and start crying, we wanted to see how our man Marv Albert played it over the radio waves.

It was one of the most exciting SB plays ever, and at least Marv jacked up the intensity over its course. Although no memorable lines were recited from Albert, at least the enthusiasm was there.

"What a play!... What a play!" is probably the only thing we'd have come up with as well. Tough to capture such a miraculous moment on radio.

Buck, we know you like to sound professional, but next time please don't take Nantz's lead and openly stroke the Pats.

Super Bowl Highlights [Westwood One]

Bonilla Ice, Ice, Baby

2008-02-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

As Talespin was to Ducktales, we present the puck version of NBA skeet:

Mets Pitcher Crosses Species Line, Gambles on Cocks

2008-02-07T13:30:00.000-08:00

Pedro Martinez, Marichal and Carlos Delgado were filmed observing a cockfight in the Dominican, where it is legal. If you have a problem with this, perhaps you'd feel better knowing that Perrrrro used to gamble on a more humane version of the sport.

Unfortunately, the Mets pitcher hasn't been able to replace his little cocksman/guimigo to enter the ring since the tiny bugger's unfortunate passing in '06.

What the Motherf**k?!

2008-02-06T11:45:00.000-08:00

HBO's Inside the NFL is being cancelled after more than 30 years on the air. Tonight will be the last episode.

Cereally, is the Suns GM behind this move? What gives here?

We May Need An Advent Calendar (With Booze-filled Chocolates) For the 2 Weeks of Super Bowl

2008-02-03T10:40:00.000-08:00

DJ Jazzy Stizzle, aka The Commish, is a fresh-faced and bushy-topped contributor to LBMS. He enjoys playing in dynasty mode with piss-poor collegiate programs in several NCAA video games, and e-mailing drunken sports banter at 4 a.m. Here, we present The Commish's first installment: a dilemma in Bruinville.

The Bruin Democrats were deliberating whether to have a meeting [Super Bowl] evening and this is how I responded to a guy's idea of holding it at 7:

The game itself won't be over until at least 7 and between the post game show, trophy celebration, AND the locker room interviews we're realistically looking at after 10. We're talking about a great American Holiday here people. Superbowl Sunday (notice how both Superbowl and Sunday are always capitalized... That's because it has been adopted as an informal national holiday in our writing, and therefore in our civilization.

Dare I say it has been incorporated into the American race in a visceral way? This is Amurrica! We don't go bowling on Superbowl Sunday and we sure as shit don't get together and make decisions, organize, and banter about politics on Superbowl Sunday. {questionable Big Lebowski reference} And as a political organization I feel it is imperative that we do exactly what other political organizations and politicians do; raise money. I'm only partially joking but there's no way we're holding a fundraiser on a holiday with the magnitude of this one. We might as well throw a black and white gala on the very ground Jesus was crucified on.

I mean, you know Jesus is up in heaven sitting in a recliner made of clouds, drinking beer and eating pretzels in his bathrobe made of angel feathers, preparing to watch this game. Do we possess the audacity to collect checks from donors, let alone have a meeting, on a day when we know JC is looking down on the stadium that his father's leftover resources enabled man to create? (Can I just say how happy I am that the big guy left so much marijuana laying around the planet...it's grown and used everywhere! Truly an amazing plant.)

We're going to have an extremely hard time justifying this whole meeting thing to the big G.O.D. no matter who or what that may be in your belief set. See I like football so I like my Jesus to appreciate football. But I digress...Shall we observe the holiday? Dispense your thoughts.

Report: Pats Have Acquired More Footage Than 'Planet Earth' Production Team

2008-02-02T11:00:00.000-08:00

In the ongoing taint (the dynasty) festival, rumors are now stirring that Belichick and the Patriots filmed the Rams final walkthrough before their 20-17 victory in Super Bowl XXXVI.

Perhaps if Mike Martz hadn't been getting off to his 30-straight pass play offense, he'd have noticed a lingerer with a camera surveying the practice session.

Peeper or no peeper though, give the ball to Marshall Faulk more than 17 times and the title is yours, Mikey. And Brady is stuck dating Sears cotton underwear models.

Pats spied before SB XXXVI upset [FanNation]

Spreading Ourselves Thin: There Will Be Blood Edition

2008-02-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

*Potential spoiler alert for those who haven't seen the film.*

We have avoided Around the Horn and most Sportscenter Super Bowl updates the past couple weeks, and as a result are feeling fresh going into the large contest in Glendale this Sunday. Since there is only one game for us to handicap, and we're hoping that the game will parallel P.T. Anderson's superb picture, we'll try to synch up some lines from the film and where they will apply on the field at UoP stadium. (And it really isn't too far of a stretch to envision Belichick as Daniel Plainview, or Manning as Eli Sunday.) Needless to say, we're hoping for a 60-minute, empire-building rivalry betwixt the two, ending in ~~a bowling alley blood bath~~ the Patriots not convulsing like Merriman at midfield.

*Peyton Sunday tips Belichick on the Giants gameplan*

Belichick (upon discovering Arizona Cardinals sweatshirt-turned jizzrag found on sidelines): What is this? Why don't I own this?

Belichick (after Eli conducts a 20-yard drive resulting in a Tynes missed FG): That was one goddamn helluva show.

Eli (to Shockey, who has been furiously attempting to pump up the crowd by swinging a dead bald eagle around his head on the sidelines): Do you think God is going to come down here and save you for being stupid? He doesn't save stupid people, [Jeremy].

Belichick (summoning the celebratory pour of ~~fetus blood~~ red gatorade after the win): Give me the blood, Lord!

Eli (to passafire, after overthrowing Plax by 10 yards): And as long as I have teeth, I will bite you!

Belichick (in Coughlin's ear, during post-game midfield handshake): One night, I'm gonna come inside your house, wherever you're sleeping, and I'm gonna cut your throat.

Belichick (to Eli, during post-game handshake): You're not the chosen brother, Eli. It was [Peyton] who was chosen. You see, he found me and told me about your [gameplan]. You're just a fool... I did what your brother couldn't. I broke you and I beat you. It was [Peyton] who told me about you. He's the [true product hawker].

*Eli bursts into tears*

Belichick: Stop crying, you sniveling ass! Stop your nonsense. You're just the afterbirth, Eli... You slithered out of your mother's filth... They should have put you in a glass jar on a mantlepiece. Where were you when [Peyton] was suckling at your mother's teat? Where were you? Who was nursing you, poor Eli, but a band of sows? [This game] has been had. Nothing you can do about it. It's gone. It's had. You lose.

*Belichick beats Eli to pulp with Lombardi trophy on NFL logo at midfield, puts on Super Bowl XLII hat and smiles for camera*

Belichick: I'm done.

On that note, our pick: PATRIOTS (-12) over Giants. Enjoy the game everybody!

Scholarships Are For Sellouts

2008-02-01T10:40:00.000-08:00

If ESPN is to sports what MTV is to music, then that would make the Patriots like 'Making the Band.' And Belichick like Puff Diddy, right? Maybe this indy sports fan can clarify for us.

Me: So what do you like, college football?
ISF: Meh, it's better, but not by much, most of the players are selling out by taking scholarships, and the good ones just sell out even more when it comes time to get drafted by the big labels... er... teams.

Keeping score is for The Man. On that note, we'll be back later today with a Super Bowl Spreading Ourselves Thin.

A Conversation With An Indy Sports Fan [College Humor]

The Night After Leather Left Him...

2008-01-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

Via Deadspin, of course.

I'm Here For the Gang Bang

2008-01-30T20:14:00.000-08:00

Somewhere in Los Angeles... Johnny Drama is engorged.

Thanks to With Leather for the pic

Coming In At No.11... King Tut's Mummy

2008-01-30T16:00:00.000-08:00

Brian Sabean has the patience to play chess against a corpse. Check out this Baseball America claim...

"A former eagle-eyed scout who helped build the Yankees' late-1990s dynasty, Sabean says he's committed to rebuilding San Francisco's farm system and churning out homegrown position players to match the constant stream of pitching talent the organization has produced. The Giants haven't signed a player who has developed into a homegrown all-star since drafting Will Clark with the No. 2 overall pick in 1985."

Get him out of the front office and back on the beat, please. And what is this crap about Joe Crede? Are you kidding me? Average white player if ever there was one...didn't he hit sub .250 last year?

Can't wait until 2011 when the A's new yard opens up in Fremont. Giants are more like an Elks club than a baseball team...BINGO!

-Locomotive

Top 10 Prospects: SF Giants [Baseball America]

Jesus vs. Big Ern, Who Ya Got??

2008-01-25T11:23:00.000-08:00

Not sure why anyone thinks this would be a close match. McCracken is a professional bowler, one of, if not, the best in the world. He gets paid to bowl. Hell, he's got a fuckin' rose in his ball. Jesus on the other hand, even though at the top of his local league, is an amateur bowler. He doesn't get paid to bowl. He molests children. We'll set the line at McCracken -40.

Miami Tries Hand at Game Show

2008-01-25T11:11:00.000-08:00

Stop the Mock, Can't Stop the Mock! (Sorry)

2008-01-24T21:40:00.000-08:00

Although we like to pretend as if NFL news doesn't jam our brain fuller than Antonio Alfonseca shockering a bowling ball, we just can't resist a Mock Draft (this goes especially true in August for the fantasy varieties.)

SI's Donny ~~"Cake Eater"~~ Banks is the latest to magnetize our mind.

Thanks to some Sabean-esque wizardry, the Niners had to give up number 8 to the Pats, but do get 29 from Indy. There are a lot of great looking wideouts worthy of a first-round pick: Malcolm Kelly, Manningham, Doucet? If SF could hook one of those gunga-galungean playmakers, that'd be a warm feeling (and not the kind of warm feeling we got from all the Jameson's we had to drink to culp with the realization that the 9ers were gonna take Smith no. 1).

Let the Game Begin [CNNSI]

Locomotive: I Take Dirty Pictures of Sharapova on my TV Using a Canon PowerShot

2008-01-23T00:45:00.000-08:00

Recently I had the pleasure of uncorking a fine bottle of diet RC cola, plopping down on the couch and stuffing my bulbous face with Olestra potato chips, artichoke dip, and the sweet flickers of eastern bloc voyeur erotica, err Maria Sharapova playing tennis. Her moans slathered over me, God bless America played in my head and I slid to the tranquil bosom of effeminate comfort...let the good times roll.

-Locomotive

A Brief Update On Our Recent Impotency

2008-01-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

As some of you might have been the able to tell, the writer's strike has impacted LBMS with the equivalent force of a stone gargoyle falling from a skyscraper and landing on a kitten.

For this, we apologize. We hope to be back up again daily soon. Oh, and for some sports content... umm, go bet on New England.

Kyle Korver Goes Nothin' But Net With Teenagers in da SLC

2008-01-11T14:10:00.001-08:00

Hey Girl. You're lookin' fine. What do you say we head back to my hotel room and stroke the 3-ball. I'll even let you put your hand in my cookie jar.

What's that? Aw, nah babe I am on the team. Yeah, why don't you come over here and tug on the tiny bill of this crip beanie I got from the streets of Philly. That's g-talk for Philadephia, gorgeous.

Don't worry, these 2% wine coolers will set the mood, girl. Baby I got enough money to get drunk in Utah. I'll go grab a few cases.

Here, why don't you come over and sit on my knee, and drink the B&J straight out of the ridge of my busted nose.

Yeah, don't sweat it. I can put on the new Jonas Bros joint. Come here boo, let me cuddle you like this Spalding. Then later I'll go beyond your arc and drill you from downtown.

Hah, just kidding hun, we'll go slow. Wanna get engaged?

Spreading Ourselves Thin: Arrested Development Edition

2008-01-10T15:30:00.000-08:00

After sandpapering off the edge of the regular season with consecutive 1-5 weeks, we were a little hesitant to get back on the gamblin' bone pony. But, last Thursday we did have the savvy to trudge through Miss Cleo's dangle-beaded door, ~~perform cunniling~~ exchange "services," and next thing we knew we had ourselves a perfect wildcard weekend against the spread.

Well, today we stand in a meadow during a thunderstorm, flying our aluminum kite, in hopes of shocker-ing ourselves and others with back-to-back 4-0 playoff marks.

Seahawks (+8) over PACKERS: "O-kay, who'd like a banger in the mouth? *giggles* Right, I forgot, here in the States, you call it a sausage in the mouth." "We just call it a sausage."
It's pretty easy to envision Josh Brown playing the role of Mrs. Featherbottom and announcing that he just 'blue himself.' JB took a large step with his new wardrobe, and really the next logical career move is to push the envelope even further. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

As good as the Seahawks looked on defense last week, we can see them winning this one outright. But we're gonna pick the Pack to edge Seattle by a slim margin, if only to delay the annual Favre retirement-talk schtick just a little longer.

Jaguars (+13.5) over PATRIOTS: "I'm an ideas man, Michael. I think I proved that with 'Fuck Mountain.'"
Belichick is a man of many innovative ideas on defense. But the Jags have the ground game to munch the clock and keep this game within single digits. Now, if Billy can get Gob to loan Senior Seau his Segway for this contest, it might be a different story.

COLTS (-9) over Chargers: "Hey, guy. They tell me you're the actor who plays Marta's brother, Tio." "Como?" "Oh, you're gonna be in a coma alright."
"Yardstomper" Haynesworth tried to put little bitch Rivers into a coma last Sunday when he bulled through the line before the play started. We're not saying we want Philip in a coma per se, just put into his place: first on his ass, repeatedly, then home for the offseason and back to date-raping community college sorority skanks. Bob Sanders, make it happen mang.

Indy covering Sunday is the Kryptonite U-Lock Lock of the week: A healthy receiving corps for Manning with whom to shred. Norv and Rivers are both on the road, in a playoff game, with artificial crowd noise erecting the decibel meter's needle like Maebe stroking George Michael's inner thigh. And Jesus is on the Colts' side! Ding, ding, ding. It's time to double up the bank account fellows.

NY Giants (+7.5) over COWBOYS: "Let me tell you a little story about acting. I was doing this Showtime movie, 'Hot Ice' with Anne Archer, never once touched my per diem. I'd go to Craft Service, get some raw veggies, bacon, Cup-A-soup... baby, I got a stew going."
Wade Phillips had to rush to the refrigerator before he could finish that last sentence. And he's gonna need a bushel of bearclaws come the fourth quarter to ease the stress of this doozy. Giants will play 'em very tough, but Big D squeaks away.

As always, if you want to go 4-0, you've gotta be swillin' the O.E. 4-0s every game. Call it the make-it-rain dance, if you will.

Enjoy the games everybody.

Falcons Want Carroll; Stepson Wants Flour Baby

2008-01-09T16:00:00.000-08:00

Arthur Blank and the Falcons are interested in hiring Pete Carroll away from USC and the song girls. But due to the fact that little Petey is better suited to stroke a dead parakeet's duct-taped head than to head coach pro ball, he'd be guano crazy to take the gig in Hotlanta.

You could say it'd be the job-selection equivalent of the sapsucking stepson's sideline ball-grabbing soirees.

Andre Kristacovitchlalinski, Jr. Kicking for You Seattle

2008-01-09T14:09:00.001-08:00

Aww, how cute. Seattle kicker Josh Brown will wear heated warm-up pants to help defrost his genitals at Lambeau when the 'Hawks take on the Packers this Saturday in an NFC Divisional playoff.

JB is clearly concerned of shrinkage in the snowy conditions and would like his unit to still be able to fit into his blow-up doll's inflatable vagina for a lockerroom quickie.

Lose the electric hiphuggers and grab some pine, kicker. That way you may at least have a shot at getting your pine grabbed by one of the Green Bay cheerleader alternates in the stadium tunnel after the game.

Like Febreezing: Worst Case Scenario is It Won't Reek as Much

2008-01-08T17:41:00.001-08:00

Towards the end of the 2006 season the Niners offense got those pickaxes swingin' and touchdown gold was beginning to look inevitable. Then, their offensive coordinator trapezed down to San Diego, and as a result 2007 was not dissimilar to sifting for gold with a used prophylactic.

But now, San Francisco has hired Mike Martz, former Matt Millen employee and alleged* Joe Cullen accomplice, to take over the offense. At the minimum we expect Mikey to get the O to at least find a nugget of fool's gold in the pan every now and then. Is 17 points per too much to ask?

One thing we can guarantee though of the challenge-minded newcomer is that because he won't have red-flagging authority, it's going to be awfully difficult for him not to carry scissors on the sideline, snip a square off his windbreaker and toss it onto the field after various O-line bed defecations.

*Spreading indecent exposure rumors about our new O-coordinator should glaze our offense with a coat of wiliness and unpredictability. At the very least the nudity potential will keep Belichick's camera zoomed out a little further when pilfering signs. The edges in the NFL still do indeed reside in the details.

Scrantonicity Was His Tertiary Plan

2008-01-08T11:18:00.001-08:00

The Dallas Mav's TV color guy Brad Davis auditioned to play the singer of the wedding band in Old School. He failed, and fortunately for us, he chose to go the sporting route:

Via AA

Our second clip comes from a Mavs-Hawks game on December 28th via Sports By Brooks. Mavs' announcer Brad Davis apparently says, "When he has to full court press and grab and hold and everything else. And it gets to a point sometimes where the referees just get tired of f**king calling fouls on them.” You be the judge!

Hey Brad! We fuckin' need ya now tonight. We fuckin' neeeed you more than ever!

No (Fish) Guts, No Glory

2008-01-07T11:18:00.001-08:00

After watching Saturday's Seahawks/Skins NFC Wildcard matchup, it's become apparent to us that the amount of fish tossing just isn't prevalent enough during national broadcasts in Seattle.

Why settle for just one before the game starts? The more dead fish soaring through the air, the merrier, we say.

So please, producers, next time heed us on the advice and cut to a spiraling salmon shot every time:

♠ Shaun Alexander carries the ball.
♠ A Hasselbeck mustache sequence airs.
♠ Starbucks gets mentioned.
♠ Holmgren starts eating the playchart.

Beautiful, Sweet, Bloody, Playoff Foosball Witch Yo Friends

2008-01-04T02:21:00.000-08:00

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh duking it out in the ketchup swamp this Saturday is the only playoff game of the weekend that is both: a) up for grabs, and b) not featuring little Elijah. Hence, it is obviously the most compelling game of the quadratic wildcard round, the deep-fried calamari of appetizers, if you will.

The Jags, both with their victory at Heinz a few weeks back, and the constant shaft stroking of their toughness by the sports media, have been sexed up to 2.5 point favorites on the road (of course a plethora of Pitt injuries equate in here as well).

Our gut reaction was that ~~K-Ville~~ J-Ville should win this game by outmuscling the body builder, outhaymaking the Butterbean, outmasturbating the teenager... in essence, outPittsburghing Pittsburgh with "smash mouth" football.

But maybe we're so quick to pick the Jags because we believe they have a better shot at defeating New England. We've already seen the Steelers try their slingshots against Goliath; they got goatreemed, nearly tripled-up, in week 14. Or maybe we like the Jags because they don't have an ass-chinned, flaming yellow-flanneled mascot that was hired out of a Village People cover band.

As good of a season as Garrard has had, and don't get us wrong, it was damn good and underrated, he's never done anything in the playoffs. Aww actually, shit, Big Ben hadn't when the Steelers won the Super Bowl two years ago (but if Garrard plays as poorly as Roethlisberger did at Ford Field he won't be getting bailed out by the refs, he will be back to his offseason gig).

Neither team lacks big-play capability, although Pittsburgh has the vastly superior receiving corps. Neither team lacks a ground game, although Jacksonville has both a bowling ball and a whiffle ball in their backfield. The sans-Willie Steelers will miss that motherfucker's shiftiness.

Hell, at this point we feel like a fruity feline chasing its tail, only without the catnip high. We can't drum up a strong enough argument for either side. And believe us, we're not putting our money where our mouth is (it's the sole game on which we aren't wagering).

The hitting will be the hardest. The turf will be the sloppiest. The occurence of devastating knee injuries the most bountiful of all of this year's playoff games. Whichever team has the purest "mudder" geneology will win it. That's all we know. That's what makes this game so exciting.

Pigskin crotch meter for Saturday evening: a rigid, 45-degree SCHA-WIIIING!*

*We're pretty sure even registered NFL hater Locomotive's junk will be rigor mortis for this one's duration.

Making Cadillac Margaritas Out of Lemons

2008-01-03T16:20:00.001-08:00

Bad news for Kige and the Titans nation headed into Saturday's AFC Wild Card game against the Chargers: First, they found out tight end Bo Scaife will not be playing due to excessive absinthe intake on NYE (lacerated liver). And now, leading "receiver" Roydell Williams is out for the season after getting his foot stuck in the team's cafeteria conveyer belt (broken ankle).

Assuming Vince Young avoids a falling anvil or piano from above, he should at least be good to go this weekend.

But now, rather than being able to throw to moving scarecrows with stone mittens, VY will have to do his best completing passes to moving, KY jellied-up, vertical slip-n-slides.

At least VY to KY has an aurally pleasing ring to it. And hey, we're pretty sure neither Peyton nor Eli has advertised for vaginal moisturizer yet!

So Vince, don't worry about losing to that little bitch Rivers this weekend. We see you having a long, lubed, pleasurable, and profitable offseason.

Nolan to Focus Operations on True Talent in '08

2008-01-02T14:22:00.000-08:00

To the dismay of some, and to the delight of women and gays, Mike Nolan will be sticking around with the 49ers for the 2008 season.

In a compromise with ownership, Nolan will forfeit his dictotorial personnel decisionmaking power, turning GM duties over to Scott McCloughan.

In a compromise with San Francisco players and fans, Nolan will change his title with the organization from head coach to team stylist.

LBMS's Least Disgraceful Moments of '07, Presented by Summer's Eve

2007-12-31T16:39:00.001-08:00

Major League Baseball gets head, full-body, conscious. Jump.

Our main Mangino eats, blocks sun: the movie. Jump.

When mutes attend football games, let there be crowd noise. And oh yeah, let there be no skippage. Jump.

Who knew the moon had an ACL to tear? Phil Knight didn't, and he's gonna want a refund. Jump.

When watching playoff baseball just isn't enough, you and Pete may stay occupied. Jump.

The NBA's public relations team. On anabolic angel dust. Jump.

Taking you behind the scenes of the wheelchairless Stephen Hawking of general managers. Jump.

Jimmy Clausen will take your daughter to prom. And then eat your bagel bites. Jump.

Roger Cossack would like to analyze your indecent exposure case. Jump.

Nifty special effects on the baseball diamond. Jump.

Meet Purple Jesus' core-of-the-earth counterpart. Jump.

Barry Bonds played the game of baseball well. For this, we thank him. Jump.

One fine day in the city. One terrible day for 9er fans. Jump.

Where the best show on television, baseball, and constant masturbatory mentioning happens. Jump.

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH! Jump.

Just for mediocre measure, we'll give you some of our other favorites of the year.

Movie: Gone, Baby Gone. No Country is a close second. We have a feeling that There Will Be Blood will be up in this eschelon as well once we are able to see it.

TV Show: The Sopranos. Somewhat closely followed by Conchords, Dexter, maybe Weeds.

Album: Porcupine Tree - Fear of a Blank Planet

Song: "No One" by Alicia Keys. Not guilty. Just a goddamn pleasure.

Coffee bean: Hawaiian Hazelnut

Olive: Mezzetta's Colossal Sicilian

Kige Ramsey report: This one.

Crossdressing boxer pictoral: Oscar de la Hoya

Thanks for reading everybody. LBMS is looking forward to a ~~prosperous~~ new year and wishes you a happy one as well!

Our resolution is to eliminate the drunk dial from our arsenal.

Patriots Proprietor's Passionate Pursuit of Pussy-Palleted Necktie Perfection

2007-12-29T20:31:00.001-08:00

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J. -- A lotta records fell in New England's 38-35 win over the New York Giants Saturday night at the Meadowlands, perhaps most notably, the largest pink necktie collection.

Patriots owner Bob ~~Ryan~~ Kraft made his 25th straight appearance in front of a national audience wearing a pink tie, increasing his lead over the next closest competitor: Richard Simmons, with one.

"It's an interesting record to hold," Patriots receiver Jabar Gaffney said. "My advice to Mrs. Kraft: From now on, use laundry detergent, not Pepto-Bismol, to do the wash."

Neither Kraft, nor Simmons, could be reached for comment.

We Have A Vaginal Cleanstastic Winner, and Its Sights Are Set High

2007-12-29T15:47:00.001-08:00

The LBMS ~~masses~~ dozen have spoken, and we have housed a new corporate sponsor for the next bowl game.

Hell, it doesn't even have to be a new bowl game. We can just wait out AT&T until they fold, and pounce on sponsorship for the Cotton Bowl when it may get upgraded to the BCS legion in 2011!

That ol' Texas Jerry will probably be using douche products for facelifts in the year 2011, that could be Summer Eve's in! But we're only one man, with only one dream. Make it happen JJ.

Thanks again to all who voted, a new poll will be up shortly.

I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends

2007-12-28T16:20:00.001-08:00

It appears ESPN has fired its alliterative slogan writing staff, and lazily begun relying on car company PR think tanks. We're sure by now you're familiar with their New England Patriots/Lexus [Passionate] Pursuit of Perfection gem. Well, here are the rest of the worldwide leader's car-motto-turned-NFL-team descriptions that have yet to be unleashed upon the Bottom Line:

Cincinnati Bengals (via Toyota): Moving Backward

Miami Dolphins (via Nissan): Shit_

Minnesota Vikings (attn: Fred Smoot, via Dodge): Grab Life by the Double-Headed Dildos

Kansas City Chiefs (via General Motors): We Are Professional Grade Horse Manure

Baltimore Ravens (via Chevrolet): An Offensive De-evolution

Slogan It Out, Pt. II

2007-12-27T20:09:00.001-08:00

Rodney Roy Beck Award Finalists

2007-12-27T17:57:00.001-08:00

The end of 2007 is nearing, which means we need to put our butter gloves on and churn out a cumulative descending list or two. Blue ribbons, gold trophies, pearl necklaces... all will be handed out to those deserving, in award season here at LBMS.

Our first category is in loving honor and memory of our favorite arm swinging, fu-manchu'd, Iowa Cubs parking lot trailer host: Sir Rod Beck.

Without further adieu, we present the Top Mustaches of 2007.

3. Josh Brolin's, in No Country
Travis Hafner lumbered around Texas with his little blow gun in search of this fantastic piece of upper-lip roadkill. A 'stache so victorious, had Mike Nolan grown one of its caliber in September, the 9ers would be giving away the 11th overall pick rather than the 8th.

2. Stan Van Gundy, head coach Orlando Magic
When he's not advising the drunk, nude, scootering Verne Troyers of the world, he is watering and mulching the dictatorial dragon beneath his nose. Gundy may have the wispiest 'stache of the present trio, but that's just because he's ~~pornographical~~ economical.

1. Daniel Day-Lewis's, in There Will Be Blood
That baby packs enough sinning punch to give Mother Theresa the urge to headbang to Burzum. Also, it's presence gets you a lifetime of free sarsaparilla at the local bowling alley.

Padres Agree to One Year Deal with Broken Dreams

2007-12-26T13:43:00.001-08:00

The San Diego Padres signed that Ferrari tape rewinder from that partially molded box in your garage to a one year, $1 million contract.

You know, that sleek-looking silver thing that was so promising back in '97 but has never been fully capable of rewinding a VHS all the way from end to start, and fucks up DVDs that you try to get it to service.

Technological scouts agree the mechanics of its spinning cylinders appear flawless, but they always end up chewing your tapes. Now, it will be chewing up about 15 innings in the NL West during the 2008 season.

Padres sign Prior to one-year deal [CNNSI]

Christmas Morning at the Petrino's

2007-12-26T13:03:00.001-08:00

5:58 am.
Junior: Oh boy, it's Christmas! I can't wait to go see what Santa brought me! Dad promised it'd be a shiny new fire truck and a Game Boy Color!

*Junior runs downstairs to check under the tree. Much to his surprise: no presents, just a note taped to his stocking.*

Robert Petrino's son;

Out of respect for you, I am letting you know, with a heavy heart, I resigned today as the Father of Your Family. This decision was not easy but was made in the best interest of me. While my desire would have been to finish out what has been a difficult life for us all, circumstances did not allow me to do so. I appreciate your hard work on your times tables and wish the best. I will be sending you and your siblings child support in the form of one (1) Lunchables Pizza pack per week. Also, Santa Claus is not real.

Sincerely,

Bobby Petrino

*Lawyer Milloy nurtures the boy in a nearby rocking chair, crosses out 'Bobby Petrino' and writes, in red pen, 'Bastardizer.' Junior cries*

Patrick Willis Fun Facts

2007-12-23T19:28:00.001-08:00

Patrick Willis leads the NFL in tackles, by a lot.

If not today, then definitely by this time next year, Patrick Willis will be the best player in the league.

Patrick Willis can outrun an ostrich, and out-destruct a wrecking ball.

Urban Dictionary is considering changing the 'skullfucking' entry to 'Willising.'

Patrick Willis can make a vice grip fumble just by staring at it.

Kellen Winslow Jr. is a "soldier," Patrick Willis is an army.

Patrick Willis can snap Chuck Norris' leg by teabagging the firecrotch's roundhouse kick.

If There Is Hope, It Lies in the Proles

2007-12-21T18:24:00.001-08:00

The demand for more user interaction on LBMS has been so rapid a river, so strong a stream, so wet a waterfall, it could fill up a medium to large-sized thimble in just a matter of weeks. Hence, we give you the brand new, sparkly, red Radio Flyer of a feature: The Weekly Poll.

In the initial installment, you the people will decide the next corporate sponsorship of an NCAA bowl game, because the Papajohns.com Bowl and GalleryFurniture.com Bowl sound more dated than the Rose Bowl at this point. College football needs a fresh new infusion.

Now, the Twogirlsonecup Bowl is a little awkward on the ear, so we've eliminated that from contention and given you four choices. The voting booth can be found in the Northeast corner of your screen. Go ahead and vote, because remember: He who controls the past, controls the future. He who controls the present, controls the past.

NOW TESTIFY, UHHH!